AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

OP, you say you have no free time but you both will have pockets of time. It's so important to work out what that time is being spent on. It's equality of time, not how much money you are bringing in.
So - does DH take a lunchbreak? What does he do during that time? What do you do during yours? What about his commuting time, if you WFH do you get any sort of opportunity to leave the house before or after your working day?

What is one of you doing while the other puts kids to bed?

What do you both do after the kids bedtime?

I wouldn't be surprised if your DH isn't one of those who says he doesn't take a lunch break or is still working after hours, but actually spends little pockets of time scrolling on his phone or taking a leisurely shower/toilet time etc. It sounds petty but, as a mum, when every minute seems to matter it is so hard to accept that your other half gets mental peace and can call his time his own outside of the working day!

I felt very similar to you (albeit no income disparity and no counter-argument from my husband re his longer work hours). We now alternate who does bedtime and who cooks, and each night my husband is responsible for sorting dishwasher/cleaning up kitchen surfaces. While he does that, I do all the packing of bags and prepping lunches/other bits of admin. We've still not got the balance right, but it brought me down from boiling point and I feel the penny is slowly dropping in regards to the imbalance as I am occasionally allowing stuff to "fall apart" to show him just how much I am juggling, which has led to some good conversations.

Snap! I do have children of my own too and tbf my DP does most stuff for his children (my step-children) and certainly does all the school stuff etc. he just asks me about it and it drives me insane that he doesn’t remember and now I have the extra mental load of remembering their school schedules and extra-curricular activities as well as my own kids one’s. He will organize things if pushed but mostly has a care-free attitude to life and does things on a whim (like saying let’s have a BBQ yesterday at 4pm with no idea if we even have the stuff in for one). For our holidays it’s always me planning it all as we simply wouldn’t have one if it was down to him.

I think unfortunately this is pretty normal in most households. But doesn't mean its ok. Women are now expected to work full time but still do everything at home and its just ridiculous.

Personally I think if he does bath and bedtime thats quite a decent chore that you cooking every evening looks fairly balanced. But I totally get how horrendous the school admin etc feels. I did every single drop off and pick up (bar one or 2) for the first 3 years my eldest two were at school. It made more sense as I worked part time and down the road from their school, but i made sure I put my DH as first point of contact. He does all school related admin...paying for trips..school meals etc and that made a big difference. When I started working more he has had to do more and now does around 40% of the pick ups.
I cook most evenings (he does 1, sometimes 2 a week) and I also food shop but we plan the meals together.

He also does all pick ups and then does bath and bed times when he’s home so it’s not like he expects OP to do all the childcare either. This is just 2 adults with busy lives and small kids both feeling stretched

I’ve just seen the bit where you said you’re uncomfortable with joint finances due to your family history. Absolutely have your own personal bank accounts and finances, that’s vital for your financial security and general safety. However, what I was suggesting is that all the money goes in one pot to begin with, all the family/household expenses come out, and then you should have a standing order set up from the joint account where you both receive an EQUAL amount of personal money per month into your personal accounts. It should be enough for personal spending and for you both to have personal savings, investments, pension etc.

I smell someone who has never gone it alone, or you'd know the vast difference in the mental load of the OPs description of their distribution of labour.

@DeathNote11
The op has said that her husband does the majority of the cleaning, all the household maintenance and the household admin. Does that make it seem likes he's getting such a great bargain?

It's normal in a lot of families, but it doesn't mean it's fair. You're both working full time but you're having to absorb more labour at home because he hasn't compromised his career by having to factor "childcare flexibility" into his list of options. It's a massive source of inequality & one of the reasons women with aspirations are refusing to have children. Why should we limit our options & do 20hours a week more labour? Far easier to throw an extra 20% £ in to the pot. If it wasn't for your extra labour he wouldn't have that 20% because he'd be in a job limited by "flexibility". So don't you dare feel "grateful" for that 70/30 split, he's getting an absolute bargain.

I don’t think either of you should be framing your financial situation as “he pays X% of…”. IMO you shouldn’t even know how much you each contribute to the bills etc. in terms of a percentage. The point is you’re a family and a team, you’re both working hard for your family, you’re both working long hours in terms of the paid and unpaid work you both do. I prefer the set up of having a joint bank account where both partners salaries (and any other income) are paid into and then all family & household expenses come out of that account. Research shows that men’s income increases after they have children and women’s decreases, you’re not on a level playing field in terms of your earning potential so it’s unfair of him to hold that over you and it’s not a helpful way to frame the situation.

Then you need to deal with the unpaid labour. You both need to contribute to the unpaid labour that goes with running a household and raising children. If there is unpaid labour to be done outside of yours and your DH’s working hours then you need to divide that up between you. Play to your strengths. In our house I definitely do almost all the anticipating, planning, organising, research type tasks. It does seem to come more naturally to me. My DP is better at routine based tasks so he is in charge of bins, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, car stuff, washing dishes, bathroom cleaning (plus ad hoc DIY & garden maintenance). I do laundry, other cleaning and everything else that goes into running a home and family life. Look into ‘Fair Play’ system by Eve Rodsky - there’s a book and a card activity, it really helped us make things fairer when we moved in together.

Do give him opportunities to learn how to do tasks that you might automatically do though e.g. packing the kids bag for a day out or planning their meals & snacks for the day. It’s easier to share the load when you’re both equally competent.

I work PT and look after our toddler on my NWDs and DP works FT. We take turns doing morning and bedtime routine with DS. We share childcare at weekends. It’s not always perfect, I can still feel the pressure of the mental load sometimes but we adjust our home/childcare responsibilities depending on what’s going on in each others lives (stress, illness) and just try to be understanding and fair to each other. It sounds like you’re both tired and overwhelmed, try not to make it a competition, you’ll find it easier to reach a solution if you’re both compassionate to each other and try to discuss things calmly.

Not the same situation at all.
You are with a complete loser.
These are not your children and you are being used.
It's really sad to read posts like yours where nice women clearly lack any self esteem.
You are his skivvy aupair AND you are pay for it too.
Unbelievable that this is all you think you deserve.

To me the issue isn't so much about whether it's evenly split, or if one person is doing more, but the fact you told your partner that you're struggling to cope and that was met with defensiveness and hostility.

What he contributes financially has nothing to do with the mental load split in the household and isn't really a valid argument from him. Is there a way to take the finances out of this conversation - for example all earnings go into one account, bills come out of this, as well as personal spending / savings etc. I think separate finances can serve a purpose but can also create a strange power dynamic whereby one inevitably feels they 'contribute more', confusing other conversations about family life. Do you feel able to list every single job that needs doing and sit down with him to go through it - taking into account both working patterns and what feels feasible. If this isn't a conversation he is open to, maybe some kind of mediation or marriage counselling would be helpful if this is something you benefit from?

You can’t expect him to suddenly be good at it if you’ve taken on everything up til now though. So start with asking him jobs that are immediately essential (e.g feeding hungry kids who will pester him themselves if he doesn’t do it vs cleaning). Send him on a food shop so he knows the type of thing you buy before he graduates to writing the list and doing the shopping weekly.

we are in a similar situation work wise. But at home we share the load in a way that works for both of us. I do most of the kid admin and childcare/bedtime/ baths/taking to clubs. He does the shopping, cooking and cleaning.

Scale back. Pick easy meals to cook and clean up after (one pot, tray bake etc). Make the same things on rotation so you don't need to think about it. Tell him to do his own laundry. If the kids are on packed lunch put them on school meals if you can. After school clubs only when it's childcare related. Can you afford a cleaner? If he has a problem with eating the same things all the time or washing his own pants tell him you're making things easier for you and he'll need to step up.

momwell.com/invisible-load-inventory

This was quite helpful for my husband to see all the invisible stuff I was doing.

Thank you for showing me that it’s not just me! I am so particular about everything, always have been, I’ve always liked things being a specific way and I like my systems because they’re great 😂

Have you considered a weekly ‘planning meeting’. When my kids were smaller and needed more organising we used to do this. Once a week or so, usually at the weekend (I work shifts so it was flexible) I would get dh to sit down with me and a cup of tea/ glass of wine, with a planner page and we’d go through what was going on for the week, including joint meal planning, and then agree who was doing what.

It helped me a) feel like there was more of an understanding of the smaller tasks that actually made up the week b) the load became more shared and c) gradually he took more responsibility for various jobs because they were planned to him each week. It may or may not work for you, but might be worth a try.

I sort of see it from both sides. In my marriage I am definitely carrying the mental load for the family and I try to offload to my husband a lot but even I struggle with the whole 'it's easier just to do it myself'. But my husband does probably most of the cooking and all of the washing up / clothes washing / putting away etc. The reason I struggle is because my job IS more demanding and I travel for work sometimes. My husband WFH all of the time and has a very flexible schedule. And that's not always reflected and I wish he respected that more. So I do think that needs to come into play too.

Personally I would look at your chunks of time per day for each of you doing things and assess how much 'free decompression time' you both get and that's what you need to try and balance so you both get equal. Working long / stressful hours doesn't mean he can't do anything...but it might mean he can't realistically take on 50% of the household tasks and mental load. We have hello fresh type bags for our meals each day which is the only way I share some of that mental load of what to cook and don't have to make sure he's doing the right thing! Meal planning would work the same so you could delegate without needing the do the mental load of guiding him... I know it's so hard to delegate and not keep the mental load portion.

And why not have a joint account, all money goes in, all spends come out and that way there is no point scoring over who pays more for what.

You have said he does the bulk of the cleaning, the household maintenance and the household admin as well as paying for 70% of everything.
Is it just the food shop and cooking that is a bone of contention? Why not do an online shop and have it delivered?

He sounds awful, sorry. My DH isn't perfect but I wouldn't be able to live with what you describe here.

So if he pays for the food and thinks you should do the rest (plan, shop, cook etc), who pays for the nursery/childcare bills and the children's clothes etc? Does the same apply here? You could always suggest to swap who pays for what if that helps organise his thoughts a little more?

This is basically me. CONTROL FREAK😂 DH does do a lot with them all but I admit that I like doing things my way especially with cooking and the laundry.

https://amzn.eu/d/02Jqa08w

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky