AIBU to want a relationship but feel it is impossible to tolerate a man? Anyone else?

I don't need to be in a relationship. The best man I know is my best friend. Everyone says what a lovely guy he is.

I’m 60 and have a string of disastrous relationships behind me which have completely put me off. For the longest time I had no idea why I kept finding myself in these situations. The last relationship ended four years ago and I finally realised the problem was I had no boundaries.

I’m absolutely not interested in dating now, but I came across the Burned Haystack Dating Method the other day and it’s interesting just for the rhetorical patterns you learn to recognise which indicate very early on whether it’s worth having any kind of relationship with a particular person. I recommend taking a look at it.

If I ever do feel like dating again, I should be introducing very firm boundaries and will be able to recognise much much sooner than before, when someone is a d*ck.

Men are humans and therefore fallible. Relationships end and it’s painful, that’s their nature. What exactly do you want, and equally pertinently, what exactly are you bringing to the table?

Staggered by the volume of ‘men - not for me’ themed responses on here. Just stop and consider for a moment … EVERY ONE of the deadbeat, slovenly, selfish, oafish, lazy unhygienic arsehole men under consideration have ONE thing in common - a woman, aka Mother. Give me the boy and I will give you the man, as someone once said. Let she who is without sin cast the first stone … as someone else once said.

Same here. I honestly don’t think I could be bothered to wade through all the crap on the off chance I’d find someone reasonably ok.

I could have written the exact same paragraph almost verbatim. My two daughters (in their twenties) are identical to yours in terms of how the feel about men. One daughter is talking about artificial insemination at some point.

I hear ya sister. I absolutely am at that point, and have been for years. I am now content....just myself and my dog for company....😂

Most men are awful - my DH is, however, a wonderful fair man who after almost 20 years has never disappointed me- he has flaws like all of us but is a genuinely brilliant human being

For most single women if they're lonely there are better ways to beat the loneliness than to take a gamble on a relationship with a man. I think all romantic relationships involve risk but most of us get more cynical with age and experience.

I was lucky enough to have a couple of positive relationships when I was too young to settle down and then got together with my lovely DH at 42. But I had about 12 years in between when I realised how truly awful a lot of men are. I'm very happy with my husband but won't be looking for another man should I lose him. Interestingly, I feel much more open to relationships with women now, should I become single. I do wonder if I suppressed my attraction without even realising when same sex relationships were much less socially acceptable than they are now. Are you sure you aren't bi/a lesbian, @Yrepw? I think the opportunities would be much better!

Oh, give over and read some feminism, for goodness sake!

I completely agree with this. I’ve been with my husband since teens, he is truly one of the good ones. If for whatever reason we were no longer together, I would have absolutely no interest in finding another relationship with a man.

I was married for a long time to the father of my children, who walked out on us. That was many years ago and I didn't look for a relationship while I tried to sort out divorce, moving, finances etc - I felt at rock bottom and as if noone would have me. Since then I've been on dating sites and matched with literally hundreds of men. Not that they were all dreadful, but I realised that there was no way I wanted to live with or wake up every day with any of them. And I don't have to! I have relationships with men I like and only see them when we both feel like it. I love them but only in small doses and don't want to be taken for granted or to argue about lids on toothpaste. My kids are grown up, and I am financially independent. I don't need an 'other half'.
It's possible, of course, that I could meet someone and change my mind, but I doubt it. Most of the hundreds of men I have dated over the years since my marriage have been rather too keen on their own voices, too keen to tell me what to do and think, and rather boring. This is not true of my female friends.

I feel the same but am a bit older than the OP and most of the posters on here. I got myself out of a hideously abusive marriage 20 years ago. After that, I had a couple of relationships, but all were disastrous, and I mainly seemed to hook up with mind fuckers. Men who were so self indulgent that they were incapable of treating a woman with any degree of respect.

I gave up. I am happy with where I am in life (mid 60s). I am also happy within my own skin, (which isn't too saggy). I am me, and individualistic, I'm well educated, have worked in the Arts for many years, and also like to have fun. I engage with people, and I enjoy life. I must admit though, I am envious of many of my friends and family who have a built in playmate, and go on trips, travelling the world with their partners, enjoying retirement.

So - I'm doing it on my own. I am soon embarking on the trip of a lifetime. On my own. It's scary, but it's going to be life enriching. I guess that at the end of the day we have to have to try to build confidence within ourselves.

@Nsky62
on sorry but there is no borderline Asperger’s. You are either asd or your not.

@Arcticienne

Give me the boy and I will give you the man, as someone once said.

The 'someone' credited with that is usually either St. Ignatius of Loyola or the Greek thinker Aristotle, both of whom were men. And there is no real proof that either of them actually said it.

Funny you mention 'mothers' when you speak of how men are formed in their younger years. Do you not give any credit to their fathers? Because if you don't is that perhaps because you think fathers (ie 'men') either don't set a good example or are 'ineffectual'?

And if you think it's because many men are raised in single-mother households that women have more to do with forming their personalities, perhaps you should consider why that is. Not many would choose to raise their children without their father present if it could be avoided.

All men are not inherently bad. But a good deal of them are not worth the effort it would take to have a successful and equal relationship. That's why so many of us say 'never again'. Not because 'all men are bad', just that for many of us they aren't worth the effort. Especially for those of us who had a 'good'un' at one time and have 'lost them', for whatever reason.

Wouldn't the same be true of women in their 40s too?

Yeah I am in that space also. Have zero patience for the calibre of man that seems to be around these days and can’t be bothered either to be honest. Lost all faith, they are a load of losers.

Erm, they also have a father who, in lots of cases, has a lot more influence over his behaviour than his mother.

Are you for real? As others have said, what about the father?

Honestly, this thread has been nuts with some of the responses. Be a lesbian, how about a trans or NB partner. Surely you must be the problem. Lower your expectations.

Erm, no. How about it’s perfectly fine to be on your own and not need a relationship, nurture your friends and hobbies, cherish your own home, love your pets, pursue your goals?

Cant remember who said it upthread, but I agree. I think Gen X are the first to really be embracing this, whether having remained single or becoming single for a multitude of reasons. And I think it’s great that women have more of a choice now, rather than thinking that marriage and/or kids should be the norm. Sadly, I think that this freedom of choice has pissed off a lot of men!

And I don’t understand the Mum’s on this thread saying they feel sad because they have boys. Why? If they’ve been brought up well, have good role models as parents, then why are you worried? Because if they become good men then there shouldn’t be a problem, they won’t be part of the issue. Women are not there to solve the problem of male loneliness ffs.

A female commune? Sounds like my idea of absolute hell. 😂

Just to add, this thread is also coming under one of my pet peeves - a “touchy” subject where the OP has no engagement after their first post.

I’m the same. Love the idea of a relationship but not the reality.

I think an independent, content, peaceful life doesn't leave room for a man that will inevitably disrupt that.
As a woman who had a husband and raised kids, I lived with a certain level of compromise where everyone else was put 1st.
I'm not prepared to go back to that.
You should never say never but I'm certainly not looking for a man

It’s really not. There are endless post just on here alone about men who don’t pull their weight in relationships or as parents, don’t maintain contact with children post separation, leave the emotional load to women, cheat, lie, gamble, emotionally abuse and gaslight their partners.
Domestic abuse rates against women continue to be unacceptably high.
Manospheric views are sadly on the rise among men and young boys.
Of course there are good men out there, lots of them. But there are far too many shit ones, too many for this just to be an OP problem.