AIBU to want a relationship but feel it is impossible to tolerate a man? Anyone else?

Yeah… it’s not going to feel so liberating when you’re miserable and alone at the end of your life.

@ntmdinoi am inclined to agree.

I think there’s 2 things here. Letting go of the idealised relationship vision you have and coming to terms with that loss.

frankly men are just people, it’s not correct that there’s some sort of inherent badness about them. Yes socialisation is poor and emotional intelligence few and far between. But anyone who dates women will also have horror stories.

are you happy to stay single or do you actually want romantic companionship. If yes decide what you want in a partner and BE STRICT. No flexible boundaries, no red flags, no “giving it a go” this might make dates few and far between.

if no. Build a life for yourself that you want, with friends, hobbies and enjoyment. There isn’t only one way to do life or have companionship.

Honestly I think you’re at a tricky age to meet someone. Most “good” men in their 40s/50s will be settled in their relationships now and likely raising children etc.

There will be some who are single for good reasons, but they may come with children. But the majority there will be a reason why they’ve not found someone already or why it hasn’t worked out.

I also think you need to be realistic though. Everyone can be patronising, annoying, hurtful at times. I’m a nice person generally but can be a real cow bag around my period for example. Try not to alienate people or fall down the “men are bad” rabbit hole, as you’ll be missing out on the positive life you could have. Men can be bad, yes definitely. But women can also.

Well if all you've had have been bad relationships then of course you'll think like that. Your opening sentence means relationships are not for you anyway. There are just as many "good" men out there as there are "good" women. But the good ones get picked early on, and the "bad" one's get left behind. Works both ways though. The good women also get picked early on. So what's left is the "bad" ones, all complaining about eachother and how there are no good one's left.

If you don't want a relationship, don't have one. You can live alone. It's fine.

I agree with this, and the poster who pointed out there will likely be a large number of discarded Gen X men in the pipeline as we come up to retirement age and decide we would rather make this part of our life journey single.

Totally agree with you. I’ve never wanted children, but did like the idea of marriage and partnership. Now, I am very happily single with a full and satisfying life. I’ve accepted that the majority of men are crap and add nothing to your life.

I love being single. I've been married twice, to decent men, but I just don't want to make the compromises being in a relationship involves. I love doing what I want when I want more than anything a relationship could ever give me. It did take me almost five decades to figure this out.

This. I could have written this about my 36 year marriage.

I mean not really. Its women realising they dont need to put up with the poor behaviour of (most) men and can manage just fine by themselves. I think us aging Gen X are the 1st population who can truly embrace this. And our Gen Z children can truly live it. Liberating for women.

There are great men out there, I have wished for 25 yrs since my divorce for one, no one I could ‘settle’ for, ( tried too much) of how you come my ex had borderline Asperger’s unbeknown to me, at 37, and a decade of trying to make it work.
i left him and my sons, he wouldn’t leave me.
Knew then I could never have a man who wanted children, or live with theirs.
Given your attitude, be mindful of how you come across, be kind.
Right now battling mid stage changing Parkinson’s at 64, struggling to adapt

You don't need a man to have a full and happy life, and I actually envy you your freedom, but if you want a relationship, have one but don't live together. That way you get the best of them, but don't have to put up with the crap bits!

This is definitely a you problem.

Same, but for me I was divorced & a single parent in my 40s. Relationships were not on my radar as I just did not want to involve myself with a man, I'd been battered, literally & metaphorically in my marriage and couldn't imagine finding a man that was truly decent. And then along came DP. Our set up may not be conventional (we don't live together as both have ND teenagers who we've chosen to put first, always) but it's in the long term plan.
Even now, there are very few men I truly feel at ease with & I'm pretty sure that if DP hadn't appeared I'd still be single x

This. For goodness sakes’, they’re apparently both happy and transmasc women weren’t invented yesterday.

OP, fwiw I felt how you feel and discovered lesbianism at 39.

In my world, you're not unusual. Many of us have discovered peace & men are mutually exclusive, and you can't put a value on peace. Lonely old men are going to become very common as gen x start retiring. That toxic mix of care needs & male entitlement is not stealing my hard earned retirement.

There are some awful men out there, but the problem is if you start to believe all men are awful then it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy and you only attract those men. I have a friend who says all men cheat, and somehow every man she dates cheats.

Try writing a list of all the traits you want in a partner. The important stuff, character stuff. It will help you screen out bad behaviour and focus on what you’re looking for.

I can completely relate to how you’re feeling. After breaking up with a pretty terrifying guy who just embodied toxic masculinity I remember wishing I was a lesbian and even for about 5 minutes changed my online profile to women! Then realised after a couple of swipes that I am, unfortunately, very very straight.

I’ve been with my lovely DH now for 6 years. They are ok there xx

Are your expectations maybe too high? Are you looking for the perfect man who will make your dream come true or someone who just fits perfectly into your existing life? Because he doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as the perfect man (or woman). I don’t believe in soul mates or happily ever after. But my life is better with DH in it. We don’t really argue that often, we do bicker about silly things (for example he doesn’t make the bed in the morning or open the curtains - doesn’t see the point. Drives me potty) But he’s not perfect, neither am I and we have a great life. Life is messy and imperfect, if you’re expecting the Disney movie/romcom perfect partner for you you’re never going to find him.

Honestly if anything happened to my relationship with DH I just wouldn’t bother. At max I would see someone who would never ever live in my house and maybe meet up once a week. I think you can be in a committed relationship without children and without living together. With kids it’s very difficult but without kids it’s often an ideal set-up for women.

It’s your post that’s objectionable. What ski off your nose is it of their relationship works and they are happy?

Nobody is without faults. The thing is to find someone whose faults you can live with and whose good points outweigh them.

I have a relationship that’s basically Living Apart Together.

Been together since 2021.

We live 40 mins apart and have our own homes, our own lives and hobbies during the week, and we spend weekends together and go away on holidays too.

He normally comes to me.

Its not all or nothing. I'm 10 years into a relationship. We have nights out, weekends and holidays away, brilliant sex and sometimes whole weeks go by when I dont see him cos work and (separate) kids. Its a pretty great set up. We help and support each other but are not always right there and in each other's space. We're each responsible for our own houses, bills, kids etc so no resentment. It needs both people to want that level of contact but it works brilliantly.

I don’t really understand why you have persuaded yourself you need to be in a traditional relationship to be happy when you’re clearly thriving without one?

It sounds like you still have a kind of muscle memory of how people expect you to live.

You know you are doing better than you would be if there was a man on the scene. You just need to train your brain to catch up!