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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU Over Nephew's Wedding?

184 replies

MommaGriff · 07/08/2026 18:57

My gorgeous nephew is getting married (twice) but I have had a falling out with my brother over it. Not sure if I ABU or he is though. Nephew announced wedding last year, getting wed this year, initially registry office with 2 witnesses, with a celebration in September with guests. My sister and I were delighted with the news and received invites for her and her husband and myself and my daughter to September wedding at a large manor house about 7 hours away. 2 day event, ceremony and shindig on the Saturday for around 160 guests, then relaxed 'hangover recovery day' on the Sunday. Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family. So, sister and I looked at local accommodation. Cheapest was £150 plus per night per person. (£1200 total accommodation) So, we have decided to take a day unpaid from work on Friday, drive to hotel about 45 minutes away from venue for £160 total and then go to wedding, drive home through Saturday night which would mean missing final hour of the night do. The meal is a Greek gyros van and so pretty casual event. So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose.
My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc. I feel that with the significant cost and work issues, my sister and I have really tried to do what we can to get there and honestly, if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run. Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding. I genuinely don't think my gorgeous nephew will have a problem. He is so chilled out. But, AIBU? Should I have taken the hit financially? I work in education and so any term-time holiday just isn't possible! Daughter starts secondary school on the Monday too.

OP posts:
SweatySpider321 · 08/08/2026 14:14

italianmountains · 08/08/2026 14:00

Kings Lynn is in North Norfolk, not Dorset. If you were to drive between the two counties it would take between 4 and 5 hours, so I am a little confused. Having travelled the country extensively for work and pleasure, there is always a Premier Inn somewhere and I have never paid more than £250 a room (that sleeps 4 people) and that's usually in major cities when an event is doing on. Travel Lodge even cheaper.

I assume OP is trying to be discreet but then slipped up mentioning Kings Lynn. I can see why she might want to be -her family don’t come out looking great in this while thing

SweatySpider321 · 08/08/2026 14:13

If your brother is that fussed he can pay for or subsidise the accommodation. £1,200 is ridiculous for accommodation (my whole wedding cost £1,500). He’s lucky you are going at all, as it sounds like a load of nonsense especially the bit about the May wedding.

italianmountains · 08/08/2026 14:00

Kings Lynn is in North Norfolk, not Dorset. If you were to drive between the two counties it would take between 4 and 5 hours, so I am a little confused. Having travelled the country extensively for work and pleasure, there is always a Premier Inn somewhere and I have never paid more than £250 a room (that sleeps 4 people) and that's usually in major cities when an event is doing on. Travel Lodge even cheaper.

HideousKinky · 08/08/2026 13:58

Why is accommodation at the venue reserved for friends not family?

JanBlues2026 · 08/08/2026 13:57

You are not being unreasonable that there is a hell of a journey for you.

I agree with some other posters that maybe staying in a cheap hotel halfway would break up the journey, even if it was just a couple of hours from the venue - you could stay over the night before, have breakfast, get ready and travel the remaining two hours, then you would only have two hours to travel back to that hotel after the wedding and complete the journey in the morning after having a good night sleep. You could even make another stop for lunch on the way home.

TheSquareMile · 08/08/2026 13:44

@MommaGriff

I'm confused, OP!

You said that the event is in Dorset, but have mentioned accommodation in King's Lynn.

Original poster
MommaGriff · 08/08/2026 13:22

Easterchicken · 08/08/2026 13:17

I don't understand why your accommodation is so high when the accomodation the night before is so cheap

Can't you just get an Uber back to the hotel your staying at the end and miss hangover day as clearly family aren't that important to nephew and his wife as it's reserved only for friends

Edited

I think because King's Lynn is a bit of a bigger place so has the Premier Inn option. Local to the venue it is more independent B&Bs/Air B&B which are more expensive. BIL would rather drive up over Saturday night, he and my sister are secondary school teachers so they, along with my daughter have first day back on Monday.

OP posts:
Easterchicken · 08/08/2026 13:17

I don't understand why your accommodation is so high when the accomodation the night before is so cheap

Can't you just get an Uber back to the hotel your staying at the end and miss hangover day as clearly family aren't that important to nephew and his wife as it's reserved only for friends

Original poster
MommaGriff · 08/08/2026 11:00

OneNewEagle · 07/08/2026 21:00

Why weren’t you and your DS invited to the wedding in May?

So, I don't know and don't want to ask really. However, paternal side of Nephew's immediate side is just my brother, my sister, myself, brother in law and my daughter. However, my Nephew's Mum (ex sister in law) is one of 5, who each have lots of children and on the bride's side, this is also extensive. Both parental units are separated with some step relations involved for the bride on top of sisters and their partners. I don't think any aunts/cousins were at the first wedding. My nephew has been with his other half for over 10 years and the groomsmen/bridesmaids have known them both right from their first date. I totally feel that their friends have way more 'history' with the couple. I also believe that the initial registry office plan was not a cover-up, and potentially just became more. Hindsight will possibly show they should have stuck fast to original plan of 'legal bit' followed by traditional celebration but everyone has the day or days they want and can afford and that is not really the issue for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaGriff · 08/08/2026 10:34

MyArtfulGreySloth · 08/08/2026 01:01

I wouldn’t go. Also, why do you keep calling him your “gorgeous nephew”? 🤢

Ha! Not gorgeous as in I fancy him!😆 Just a lovely soul. He is kind, totally not mercenary or selfish and I absolutely don't feel ill will as I do believe it is the couple's special day, they should have the event they choose and are paying for.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaGriff · 08/08/2026 10:27

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2026 00:54

So yo u expect BIL to drive 7 hours Friday, get up at a sensible time Saturday for the wedding then drive from 9 pm - 4 am.

Honestly I think THAT is utterly unreasonable

Show quote history

No, I certainly don't expect BIL to do that! He has suggested this as that is what he prefers to do and we will share the drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaGriff · 08/08/2026 10:18

Backedoffhackedoff · 07/08/2026 21:11

I’m not saying it does. But when what you’re saying is, as you suggest “I’m not coming because I don’t want to spend my
money on it” its a slightly different excuse really isn’t it?

Show quote history

But that isn't what I am saying! I am saying that I am going, I will be at the vow renewal/ceremony and then there for all but 2 hours of evening do. I will be there for 10 hours. My issue is whether I am being unreasonable or is my brother in finding this not enough.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoteenagers · 08/08/2026 09:37

At my wedding (which was 70 people incidentally and not at all intimate) my aunt announced (rather crossly) that she and my cousins didn’t like discos so they left at 8pm. It wasn’t a big deal - up to them. They lived just under an hour away. Although we did feel slightly sorry for my cousins who were 19 and 16 at the time and I suspect would have quite liked to stay for the party.

To be kind to your brother I suspect that your nephew - lovely as he is - has completely prioritised his friends and at the first wedding your brother barely knew a soul and felt out of place. Which must be a difficult experience at your own child’s wedding. Having you and your sister there would solve it this. But it isn’t your problem to solve - it is a discussion for him to have with his son,

Recklessismymiddlename · 08/08/2026 09:19

A lot of people from different religious backgrounds, have to be legally married, in a U.K. register office, as well as their religious ceremony, (my sibling and in laws did) but I take it the op isn’t talking about that here…

personally I’d look for somewhere halfway, so the drive wouldn’t be as long, for your brother in law.

user293948849167 · 08/08/2026 09:00

SunshineAndFizz · 08/08/2026 08:20

If you can only afford to stay one night - I’d 100% stay on the night of the wedding. Getting up early to drive there for 12pm is a million times better than driving all through the night. Plus you can enjoy the day after event too.

I’m sure there’ll be a country pub or service station on the way to the wedding you can get changed in - get changed an hour or so before you arrive if it’s remote.

It’s not though when you have to leave home at 4am to get there in time and have nowhere to get changed before the wedding!

user293948849167 · 08/08/2026 08:57

Do what suits you OP. Sounds like you’re only missing the final 2h of the wedding party and the “hangover recovery day” nonsense anyway?
Your DD is the same age as mine if she is starting secondary and I don’t think she’d last until 11pm at a wedding anyway- and i would want her to have a proper nights sleep on the Sunday too.
You could look for an Airbnb or premier inn again to stay the Saturday night though to avoid such a long drive home after a whole day at a wedding. If it was close enough you pop back in to say goodbye on Sunday morning but I don’t think that’s essential when you live so far away.

I would be annoyed about the “intimate wedding” of 60 guests too. My brother and SIL did the two wedding thing but their actual ceremony was them and 2 witnesses so nobody was annoyed!

Likeiloveyou · 08/08/2026 08:39

But, this isn’t actually a wedding…

Itsallsostressful · 08/08/2026 08:38

OP 60 guests with 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen is not intimate by any stretch That is not an excuse for not having you at the original wedding...sack it off !

Besidemyselfwithworry · 08/08/2026 08:37

My view would be if your brother is so bothered you’re there then the accommodation on site should have been reserved for family…..

if he didn’t do this then this in all on him now really amd he has to accept whatever you choose.

ViciousCurrentBun · 08/08/2026 08:36

They lied about the actual ceremony in May. I just wouldn’t go. Both the Brde and Groom had a say in who to invite at that. Your brother survived the May wedding all on his lonesome he can survive again. Awful behaviour on their parts, all of them.

They are relying on the old blood is thicker than water angle, blood can clot and kill you so bugger them.

Changingplace · 08/08/2026 08:33

If family were that important they’d have invited you to the actual 60 guest wedding.

If family were that important they’d have allocated accommodation at the venue for the (unnecessary) additional reception.

As they’ve done neither I’d tell your brother you’re clearly not that important, it’s too far/complicated/expensive and not go.

They already had a 60 guest wedding, now a 100 guest party, what next a 200 guest event next year? It’s ridiculous why people can’t just get married and be done with it.

AImportantMermaid · 08/08/2026 08:31

I actually just wouldn’t go to this. It’s not the actual wedding - it’s just a party seven hours away at a really inconvenient time of year. It’s more important to them that their friends are staying over than family so I really wouldn’t waste all that time, money, and effort just to be a second tier guests.

You’d be better off offering to take them for a nice meal when you see them next, or just sending a nice gift. Your brother can huff and puff as much as he wants but it’s not his call.

LivingTheDreamish · 08/08/2026 08:21

I also wouldn't go. Do people really have two "weddings" now one after the other? You are perfectly entitled to be miffed at not being invited to the real wedding. Your daughter has a big day on the Monday, it's a long drive involving you taking unpaid leave, and your brother is still being arsey about it. Your nephew won't be that bothered one way or another. Just skip it OP.

SunshineAndFizz · 08/08/2026 08:20

If you can only afford to stay one night - I’d 100% stay on the night of the wedding. Getting up early to drive there for 12pm is a million times better than driving all through the night. Plus you can enjoy the day after event too.

I’m sure there’ll be a country pub or service station on the way to the wedding you can get changed in - get changed an hour or so before you arrive if it’s remote.

Thepossibility · 08/08/2026 07:52

I wouldn't even go. It's not even their real wedding. I would've made the effort for their real wedding. My whole wedding was 60 people total and it really wasn't that small.