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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Over Nephew's Wedding?

143 replies

MommaGriff · Yesterday 18:57

My gorgeous nephew is getting married (twice) but I have had a falling out with my brother over it. Not sure if I ABU or he is though. Nephew announced wedding last year, getting wed this year, initially registry office with 2 witnesses, with a celebration in September with guests. My sister and I were delighted with the news and received invites for her and her husband and myself and my daughter to September wedding at a large manor house about 7 hours away. 2 day event, ceremony and shindig on the Saturday for around 160 guests, then relaxed 'hangover recovery day' on the Sunday. Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family. So, sister and I looked at local accommodation. Cheapest was £150 plus per night per person. (£1200 total accommodation) So, we have decided to take a day unpaid from work on Friday, drive to hotel about 45 minutes away from venue for £160 total and then go to wedding, drive home through Saturday night which would mean missing final hour of the night do. The meal is a Greek gyros van and so pretty casual event. So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose.
My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc. I feel that with the significant cost and work issues, my sister and I have really tried to do what we can to get there and honestly, if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run. Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding. I genuinely don't think my gorgeous nephew will have a problem. He is so chilled out. But, AIBU? Should I have taken the hit financially? I work in education and so any term-time holiday just isn't possible! Daughter starts secondary school on the Monday too.

OP posts:
Franklinlove · Today 14:53

MommaGriff · Today 13:22

I think because King's Lynn is a bit of a bigger place so has the Premier Inn option. Local to the venue it is more independent B&Bs/Air B&B which are more expensive. BIL would rather drive up over Saturday night, he and my sister are secondary school teachers so they, along with my daughter have first day back on Monday.

Show quote history

Why haven’t you booked accommodation before now? It’s only 3 weeks away

Franklinlove · Today 14:45

italianmountains · Today 14:00

Kings Lynn is in North Norfolk, not Dorset. If you were to drive between the two counties it would take between 4 and 5 hours, so I am a little confused. Having travelled the country extensively for work and pleasure, there is always a Premier Inn somewhere and I have never paid more than £250 a room (that sleeps 4 people) and that's usually in major cities when an event is doing on. Travel Lodge even cheaper.

Yes it’s all a bit sketchy on the truth details isn’t it

Franklinlove · Today 14:44

So if we were all to say you were being unreasonable… what then? By the sounds of it you can’t afford anything more so….

AImportantMermaid · Today 14:37

HideousKinky · Today 13:58

Why is accommodation at the venue reserved for friends not family?

What’s that got to do with the OP’s question? It’s clearly the B&G preference.

Nearly50omg · Today 14:34

A 14 hour drive and a party - it’s not a wedding is it! - the weekend before your child starts school is the last thing she needs!! Put your child first and tell nephew and brother it’s not going to work and their party 7 hours away is ridiculous and you’d have happily come to the wedding in May but you weren’t invited despite being family which should have been prioritised over their drinking mates.

outerspacepotato · Today 14:32

as I do believe it is the couple's special day, they should have the event they choose and are paying for.

They had their special day back in May. They've been married for months now.

Spending a ton of money and 14 hours travel the weekend before your daughter starts school just enables entitled people.

ByUniqueViper · Today 14:22

You've respected their guest choice in May, and their guest accommodation choice in September, so your brother should respect your choices.
He mustve found someone to talk to in May other than you and your sister, so he can do the same again.
Surely there is some closer accommodation than 50 minutes away from the venue though?

Delphiniumandlupins · Today 14:22

JanBlues2026 · Today 13:57

You are not being unreasonable that there is a hell of a journey for you.

I agree with some other posters that maybe staying in a cheap hotel halfway would break up the journey, even if it was just a couple of hours from the venue - you could stay over the night before, have breakfast, get ready and travel the remaining two hours, then you would only have two hours to travel back to that hotel after the wedding and complete the journey in the morning after having a good night sleep. You could even make another stop for lunch on the way home.

Or even stay in two different hotels, one to split the journey and one nearer the venue, but both sensible prices.

BeKhakiReader · Today 14:20

Surely you can afford a second night in the cheaper hotel. It’s ridiculous and quite unsafe to do that big drive one day and then again the following night. I think you’re all being a bit petty to make a point and I’d be telling you not to bother coming at all if I was the groom.

Driving through the night won’t leave anyone more refreshed than a sleep and setting off at 8am the next day.

SweatySpider321 · Today 14:14

italianmountains · Today 14:00

Kings Lynn is in North Norfolk, not Dorset. If you were to drive between the two counties it would take between 4 and 5 hours, so I am a little confused. Having travelled the country extensively for work and pleasure, there is always a Premier Inn somewhere and I have never paid more than £250 a room (that sleeps 4 people) and that's usually in major cities when an event is doing on. Travel Lodge even cheaper.

I assume OP is trying to be discreet but then slipped up mentioning Kings Lynn. I can see why she might want to be -her family don’t come out looking great in this while thing

SweatySpider321 · Today 14:13

If your brother is that fussed he can pay for or subsidise the accommodation. £1,200 is ridiculous for accommodation (my whole wedding cost £1,500). He’s lucky you are going at all, as it sounds like a load of nonsense especially the bit about the May wedding.

italianmountains · Today 14:00

Kings Lynn is in North Norfolk, not Dorset. If you were to drive between the two counties it would take between 4 and 5 hours, so I am a little confused. Having travelled the country extensively for work and pleasure, there is always a Premier Inn somewhere and I have never paid more than £250 a room (that sleeps 4 people) and that's usually in major cities when an event is doing on. Travel Lodge even cheaper.

HideousKinky · Today 13:58

Why is accommodation at the venue reserved for friends not family?

JanBlues2026 · Today 13:57

You are not being unreasonable that there is a hell of a journey for you.

I agree with some other posters that maybe staying in a cheap hotel halfway would break up the journey, even if it was just a couple of hours from the venue - you could stay over the night before, have breakfast, get ready and travel the remaining two hours, then you would only have two hours to travel back to that hotel after the wedding and complete the journey in the morning after having a good night sleep. You could even make another stop for lunch on the way home.

TheSquareMile · Today 13:44

@MommaGriff

I'm confused, OP!

You said that the event is in Dorset, but have mentioned accommodation in King's Lynn.

Original poster
MommaGriff · Today 13:22

Easterchicken · Today 13:17

I don't understand why your accommodation is so high when the accomodation the night before is so cheap

Can't you just get an Uber back to the hotel your staying at the end and miss hangover day as clearly family aren't that important to nephew and his wife as it's reserved only for friends

Edited

I think because King's Lynn is a bit of a bigger place so has the Premier Inn option. Local to the venue it is more independent B&Bs/Air B&B which are more expensive. BIL would rather drive up over Saturday night, he and my sister are secondary school teachers so they, along with my daughter have first day back on Monday.

OP posts:
Easterchicken · Today 13:17

I don't understand why your accommodation is so high when the accomodation the night before is so cheap

Can't you just get an Uber back to the hotel your staying at the end and miss hangover day as clearly family aren't that important to nephew and his wife as it's reserved only for friends

Original poster
MommaGriff · Today 11:00

OneNewEagle · Yesterday 21:00

Why weren’t you and your DS invited to the wedding in May?

So, I don't know and don't want to ask really. However, paternal side of Nephew's immediate side is just my brother, my sister, myself, brother in law and my daughter. However, my Nephew's Mum (ex sister in law) is one of 5, who each have lots of children and on the bride's side, this is also extensive. Both parental units are separated with some step relations involved for the bride on top of sisters and their partners. I don't think any aunts/cousins were at the first wedding. My nephew has been with his other half for over 10 years and the groomsmen/bridesmaids have known them both right from their first date. I totally feel that their friends have way more 'history' with the couple. I also believe that the initial registry office plan was not a cover-up, and potentially just became more. Hindsight will possibly show they should have stuck fast to original plan of 'legal bit' followed by traditional celebration but everyone has the day or days they want and can afford and that is not really the issue for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaGriff · Today 10:34

MyArtfulGreySloth · Today 01:01

I wouldn’t go. Also, why do you keep calling him your “gorgeous nephew”? 🤢

Ha! Not gorgeous as in I fancy him!😆 Just a lovely soul. He is kind, totally not mercenary or selfish and I absolutely don't feel ill will as I do believe it is the couple's special day, they should have the event they choose and are paying for.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaGriff · Today 10:27

SleepingStandingUp · Today 00:54

So yo u expect BIL to drive 7 hours Friday, get up at a sensible time Saturday for the wedding then drive from 9 pm - 4 am.

Honestly I think THAT is utterly unreasonable

Show quote history

No, I certainly don't expect BIL to do that! He has suggested this as that is what he prefers to do and we will share the drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaGriff · Today 10:18

Backedoffhackedoff · Yesterday 21:11

I’m not saying it does. But when what you’re saying is, as you suggest “I’m not coming because I don’t want to spend my
money on it” its a slightly different excuse really isn’t it?

Show quote history

But that isn't what I am saying! I am saying that I am going, I will be at the vow renewal/ceremony and then there for all but 2 hours of evening do. I will be there for 10 hours. My issue is whether I am being unreasonable or is my brother in finding this not enough.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoteenagers · Today 09:37

At my wedding (which was 70 people incidentally and not at all intimate) my aunt announced (rather crossly) that she and my cousins didn’t like discos so they left at 8pm. It wasn’t a big deal - up to them. They lived just under an hour away. Although we did feel slightly sorry for my cousins who were 19 and 16 at the time and I suspect would have quite liked to stay for the party.

To be kind to your brother I suspect that your nephew - lovely as he is - has completely prioritised his friends and at the first wedding your brother barely knew a soul and felt out of place. Which must be a difficult experience at your own child’s wedding. Having you and your sister there would solve it this. But it isn’t your problem to solve - it is a discussion for him to have with his son,

Recklessismymiddlename · Today 09:19

A lot of people from different religious backgrounds, have to be legally married, in a U.K. register office, as well as their religious ceremony, (my sibling and in laws did) but I take it the op isn’t talking about that here…

personally I’d look for somewhere halfway, so the drive wouldn’t be as long, for your brother in law.

user293948849167 · Today 09:00

SunshineAndFizz · Today 08:20

If you can only afford to stay one night - I’d 100% stay on the night of the wedding. Getting up early to drive there for 12pm is a million times better than driving all through the night. Plus you can enjoy the day after event too.

I’m sure there’ll be a country pub or service station on the way to the wedding you can get changed in - get changed an hour or so before you arrive if it’s remote.

It’s not though when you have to leave home at 4am to get there in time and have nowhere to get changed before the wedding!

user293948849167 · Today 08:57

Do what suits you OP. Sounds like you’re only missing the final 2h of the wedding party and the “hangover recovery day” nonsense anyway?
Your DD is the same age as mine if she is starting secondary and I don’t think she’d last until 11pm at a wedding anyway- and i would want her to have a proper nights sleep on the Sunday too.
You could look for an Airbnb or premier inn again to stay the Saturday night though to avoid such a long drive home after a whole day at a wedding. If it was close enough you pop back in to say goodbye on Sunday morning but I don’t think that’s essential when you live so far away.

I would be annoyed about the “intimate wedding” of 60 guests too. My brother and SIL did the two wedding thing but their actual ceremony was them and 2 witnesses so nobody was annoyed!