AIBU to say no to a friend’s last minute plans?

It’s so hard managing relationships with child free friends when you have little ones!
if it makes you feel any better I’ve had to decline lots of last minute invites out as the childrens needs do ultimately come first, as-long as your sticking to plans that are made in advance and still socialising theres no harm done,
she will know this deep down and if she doesn’t now, if she ever has children she’ll get it then x

You are right and she is in the wrong. And its not just because she doesn't have children. I have family and friends who don't have children and they wouldn't turn up unannounced or msge me frequently with last minute plans and get the hump if I often had to say no. She will either get bored and disapear from your life or you need to explain your life and routine better. Some people who's life is less chaotic or busy to others for whatever reason just don't see whats right in front of them for many reasons, the obvious is just not there for some people, it has to be explained and pointed out. Once you have done that if she continues its time to back away, keep her at arms length and only on your terms. See her when the children are in bed or you have a rare moment to yourself....if you feel like it. A real, decent friend will understand and respect this. 🙂

Of course it’s okay to decline the invite. When you do, why don’t you ge proactive.

‘Sorry Suzy, can’t do tonight , but how about meeting on Thursday at the cafe?’

When you have children, your priorities change, and it’s quite normal for the nature of friendships to alter.

If I have friends ask to come round at a certain time, I will let them know its tea time etc so I dont let them affect our family routine and they have to fit in with us. I have small children so if they want to come round then that's what they are letting themselves in for

My brother does this, and I’m always saying no. He does have kids, but he’s just got a more spontaneous personality than me (‘fancy the park in 20 mins?’).

Eventually I had to have a conversation with him and explain I like to plan things, give more notice and get things booked in advance. He’s slightly better now, and if I do ever have to say no it’s ’sorry, can’t make that work today, you know me, I need more notice’.

I would tell her you love to hang out but need more notice to make it work, at least while the kids are little.
If you give her a timeframe, ie ' I can hang out with 48h notice ' it might make things easier.
It's so easy to lose friendships when you have little ones taking up your time, but if the s friend is worth it, id try and find ways to make it work.
What if you invite her around, in the first place, but for after the kids are done for the day, or early of that works better around bed times?

When you chat, you need to grumble regularly about life being like a military operation these days, that there’s no room for spontaneity because every minute is accounted for. If you’re lucky enough to get to the end of your jobs before bedtime, you just love a quiet ten minutes when no one is talking to you.

I don't like last minute plans, I'd usually respond with another suggestion though rather than a blunt no, so I'd say 'sorry, I can't do today, how about next Sunday?'
I've got a couple of friends who prefer last minute plans and it stresses me out too, one of them has anxiety and doesn't like to plan in advance so I get it and I do try and have some compromise but we do see each other a lot less since I had DC.

Last minute plans with kids (I don’t have any) are a nightmare! Most of my friends with kids need notice (as do I) so they can get the other parent to babysit, have the routines sorted out. I’d just reiterate to her “I’d love to come out but last minute isn’t doable for me, so can we just make firm plans?”

why is the friend in the wrong rather than them just having different preferences and lifestyles? she hasn't actually done anything to be judged right or wrong for other than...gasp....suggest hanging out with a friend. The idea that she's annoyed with OP for saying no is just OP's assumption and could be completely wrong.

OP just speak to her! Say, 'sorry, I feel like I'm saying no all the time, but with the kids and everything it's really hard for me to fit things in last minute. If you want to book something in you know I'll always try and make it, but atm I do need at least 3 weeks notice!'

tbh to me it sounds less like she's annoyed at just the last minute thing but that she seems to be the one making most, if not all, of the effort in the friendship generally. Is she mainly the one organising the stuff you do attend as well as making the last minute suggestions?

If you can't give her more time, that's fully understandable and you don't need to feel guilty, but equally she's not being unreasonable to feel a bit upset (if indeed she does, as I said we don't actually know that). Maybe just making a bit more effort and being pro-active suggesting things to do occasionally will make a lot of difference.

She's your friend, and presumably you want a friendship that works for both of you - can you talk to her about this? Without making a point about her being child free, explain what works for you and what doesn't. Maybe suggest something that does suit you and see if she's OK agreeing to the arrangement.
If she comes over, say you only have an hour - if that's not enough time, defer the meeting.
Without clarity it sounds like you'll just end up annoyed with her, she won't really understand why and the friendship will gradually disintegrate.

You sound insufferable about child free people

None of this is selfishness.
I really think the onus is on your friend to cop herself on a bit and take into account, when in the mood for company, that you (like any woman in your circs) have pressing family concerns 24/7, not mention needing decompression moments alone, and can no longer drop everything and flop on the sofa with her for a pissed-up Netflix binge into the small hours.