To get so stressed about my kids’ car behaviour

Im not a fan of screens, but the only thing that kept mine quiet and sitting nicely at that age was allowing them To watch something on a tablet each in the car with their own headphones. Was an absolute game changer and they lost complete interest in annoying each other or distracting us whilst we were driving. Pick your battles moment.

Unknown to me, my little girl when she was around 5 unbuckled herself whilst I was driving. Unfortunately I had to do an emergency stop as a car was coming too fast out of a junction, in doing so that’s when I found out she wasn’t secure as she promptly hit the back of the passenger seat and fell into the footwell. Words were said, we were both in shock but she never did it again. She luckily wasn’t hurt.

Safety is the only time I shout.

DD was about 18 months - 2 years and discovered she could get out of the car seat. I pulled over, completely lost my shit and refused to move the car until she was fastened back in.

She never did it again, and to this day (she’s 18 now lol!) panics if she’s not fastened in and the car is moving.

Some things are more serious than getting to an appointment on time.

My DS had speech issues and got frustrated when I couldn’t understand him and threw shoes and water bottles at me while driving. A drive to the local police station where I dragged him up the stairs stopped that behaviour cold.

My DD tried it once and I wasn’t near a police station so a smack sorted that behaviour out instantly.

Dangerous behaviour must be stopped cold the first time and is something that cannot be allowed to continue as you experiment what works and what doesn’t.

I’d rather smack my child or scare them silly than have them sent through a windscreen.

Fairly terrifying all the suggestions to just stop in the middle of a country road (hazards don’t make you less of an obstruction and can’t be seen round corners!!) or on the motorway hard shoulder which can be deadly. It’s far more likely you’d be rear ended while causing an obstruction like that than the chances of having an accident while driving sensibly with them unbuckled. Why would you see your children are unbuckled and make your car more likely to crash??

You absolutely can refuse to allow the car to move every single time the kids unbuckle. It is unlawful to drive with them unsecured.
I live rural and you need to start enforcing the law.
Stop.
Make sure car doors are locked.
Give the kids a count of three to be back in seats.
Buckle up and proceed OR
Phone local Police and wait for them.
Have their number ready - from when you all visited the Police Station to be told the law.

You are a danger to all if not in seat belts.
You need to stay home, go home until managed lawfully.

Hope you have a tin hat. But you are right it would be effective.

You do know you will be accused of assault.

5.4.3.2.1.....

Giving them a smack on the bum and saying flying through the window will be 100 times more painful would do it but I dont think thats a popular suggestion 😂

Not harsh. I asked her four times and the only response she gave was huffing and puffing, and the lament that she was the only children her class to be asked to do chores. She wasn't doing the job at that point. I make no apology for being harsh because I was harsh infrequently.

Your child huffed over sweeping the floor and you banned him from the beach for the afternoon? If he was doing the job you basically punished him on his holiday for a bit of chuntering with no chance to do better. Harsh.

OP I've had this issue. I would (try to) stay calm and pull over at he next safe place and tell them that's what I'm doing because it wasn't safe to drive. Then I would stay there until they were buckled in and quiet. Rinse and repeat.

Mine always went nuts in the car. Also hotel rooms. Any confined space basically, until a lot older than yours!

This is a sensible suggestion

I would refuse to take them out together other than absolutely essential trips for a week or two. If it means you are all stuck at home for a while over the school holidays, then so be it. You can tell them what is happening due to their dangerous behaviour. Hopefully they’ll grow out of the stage of being little shits soon.

I feel you as mine have done similar, similar ages though mine are 7 and nearly 5. I don't have any sage advice. My youngest has the same carseat as you. When we took off the lap part and used the normal car seat belt with it, it caused absolute havoc. As soon as the car stopped or I was parking up he would unclip and be climbing all over the car. Or they would be absolutely battering the shite out of each other. So back to the lap belt thing he went and things have calmed down for now (though probably not for long). My oldest is slightly less feral than my youngest (by a very small margin) and has been told not to touch my youngests car seat and not to unclip him ever. If this stops working I will definitely be looking at some of those lock options. Whilst they probably arent safe, neither is the kids being unclipped (and mine have done it on the motorway too) and despite what other posters say, it's not always safe to just stop. So, solidarity!

When my DD3 undid her seatbelt once, it was the only time I’ve actually properly lost it and shouted loud/ harshly. Not that I’m proud of it but she was so shocked by my reaction that she’s never done it again!

I've used the police officer line before. If you're ever at an event with police, ask them to have a friendly word.

Why is 3yo not in a buckle harness seat? That's harder to undo.

Rear face the 3yo and forward face the 5yo. Then it's harder to interact.

Remove TV and any treats.

Set up a treat day out and when they're dicks in the car, go home. Obviously this needs to be planned and you go through with the day out if they behave.

Reward chart for good car journeys with a decent reward after say 20 trips.

This! My niece once unbuckled herself on the A1 and I also drove her to the police station. She was 3. She needed to understand how dangerous it is.

If the issue is on the way home, then consequences are fairly straightforward.

Shout 'Get back in your seat with the belt on now or you will go straight to bed when we get home.'
If they don't listen, when you get home to bed they go and stay there. Very firmly tell them 'You have behaved like a baby who cannot sit in a car seat by themselves and therefore you stay in bed like a baby does.'

Absolutely go loopy at them in every single way you know and super scary and horrible consequences.

Also get them both in ERF seats, as it is much harder for them to get out.
Or have the younger one in an ERF seat in the back and put the older one in the front seat if you get really desperate.

Google to find escape proof car seats for children - there are plenty around that are safe and legal.

Not the cheapest option, but you could try tonie boxes and headphones. If they're more badly behaved on the way home it may be due to tiredness and overstimulation so listening to a story might calm them down a bit?
The stopping strategy does work well but I can see the issue if you're half way down a single width road with high hedges in the middle of the Cornish countryside.......

I think it's probably rather common. Children don't reason like adults.

I got a product called Houdini Stop which was recommended on Mumsnet best buys. A specific product existing suggests there's a sufficient market of people who'd buy it.

Prevention and cutting journeys down to the minimum were the only things that worked.

You can buy extra seat belt buckles. Speak to a car seat specialist shop like car seat ninja.

Obviously don’t do this.

This

And you can’t move one to the front unless you deactivate the air bag in the front passenger seat which is not possible in all cars.

Let them fight. It won't kill them. Unbuckling their seatbelts might kill them. That has to stop. Do whatever it takes even if it means taping mittens on to them.

What's she meant to do with the other if she just takes one

That’s sounds so stressful, mine don’t unbuckle but they are both incredibly loud and this is amplified in the car, especially if they fight. I do have to just pull over until they quieten down because I get so distracted by the noise, it’s dangerous. I’ve also turned around and gone home before on particularly bad days. My older child is getting quieter as she gets older, fingers crossed for the younger one.