WWYD HELP! Move near work or hometown support as a single parent?

Another thing that might be worth considering op is meeting with a careers coach. I met with one because the line of work I was in required 3 nights a week until 11pm and I knew it wouldn't be sustainable long term. That helped me figure out a good sideways move into an associated sector and now I do my travel within my working hours which I negotiated upon being offered the job as well as the salary. I did the 3 nights which was less than ideal for about a year and a half until something more suitable came up locally. It would have been easier if I'd stayed in the larger city I worked in before but prices would have been higher, I'd have been skinter and I'd have had absolutely zero downtime which is really really important. So I'd still go option 2, you can do the commute for a while and at the same time keep looking for something more suitable locally. What type of sector do you work in at the minute without being too outing?

Hello I've been in exactly the same position. I have a 2 year old. When I was pregnant my partner left and I lost my job in the city. I owned a house in the city and my family live 2 hours away. I moved in with them and rented out my house to cover the bills and was looking for jobs. A lot of them were 2 to 3 days in the office but I had a young baby so I was considering whether to move back to my house but then you have the childcare issue as you described. I found a remote contract with a company a bit closer in the end but I still had to go into the city from time to time and to the office once a week - generally I was travelling in once or twice a week and sometimes abroad, in which case my parents looked after my child.

In your position I'd lean towards option 2 as well and it's what I've done. I found that doable and better overall. As long as your mum doesn't mind helping out on those days I think that's preferable. Single parents need their support networks like you do at home.

I'm selling my city place and buying near my parents now. I think the rural location and the fact we know so many people is better for my child, plus I've actually got a new partner now. I do think it limits me a bit in job options but what I've thought is I can go back to commuting when my child is older if I need to.

I don’t have your scenario exactly but I chose to change jobs so my commute was shorter. For a short period of time after my maternity leave I had to return to my former place of work but I realised while pregnant that I couldn’t manage the commute and be a single parent. I took a step down when I changed jobs but within a year was back to a similar level with only slightly less salary. I was much happier for it so I would recommend moving closer to your mum but start looking for other job opportunities even if it can’t happen immediately.

I became a single parent at around the same stage as you, with a baby and a 4-year-old. I would say living nearer your family and friends will work out better long-term. You also mentioned you didn’t really want to raise children in the city - that’s legitimate if that’s how you feel.

Think long-term - it’s actually quite challenging moving from nursery hours (which are all day) to reception, which finishes at 3. Some schools don’t let reception kids into wrap around care. There are SO many inset days, sick days, sports days - you might not make every sports day, for example, but your mum could go instead if it’s local. A support system is absolutely vital as a SP and that’s emotional as well as practical - even if you can see friends for a cup of tea or wine at your house, it goes a long way in helping your mental health which is vital for you and everyone who depends on you. That’s my two cents but only you know what feels right. Good luck.

Do remember that nursery days are much longer than school days. The kids get really tired in YR and KS1, so into wrap around if your school offers it, then to Grannys, then home. Start time is later so is she is to yours for 7 am then she wont be out of primary drop off until gone 9. Might be too much for all. My mum used to pick my DC up from primary occasionally (she was 70 and driving). So she needed to be there by 3, so was responsible for tea. My school mum friends were lovely to her but she had none of the camaraderie that I built up.

I would be close to family as your support network will always be in that area whereas you could change job and end up being far away from both. The great thing about a great family network is that they can generally be more flexible, cover illnesses and accommodate early starts and late finishes in a way nursery can’t.

I said Option 2 as i for Option 1, id look very carefully about whether school wraparound is really workable for you. Our after school club finishes at 5.45pm. To account for tube delays etc, i leave at 4.15-4.30pm for my 1hr commute. Sometimes i still get there with 1min to spare 😬 At least with grandparents, you dont need to worry about delays if you get held up on the way home. Could you do your two days consecutively and the DC go to bed at your DMs / get in pjs and get ready for bed there and just get straight into bed at home?

I live 300miles away from all our family support and have a DH who has to work away. Its very challenging at times. Is your DM serious about her offer to help? Not just something said idly without thinking you'd ever take her up?

The fact that it's a nicer location would swing it for me.

Move to the nicest location (which sounds like your hometown) asap, even if it's renting or staying at your Mum's at first whilst you sort out a permanent home.

Best to get moving before somebody remembers he's got a child.

I don’t know your circumstances but is there any chance the other parent would use a prohibited steps order to stop you moving the children away from them?

Ah sorry, I see.

I'd still vote option 2, hope your mum can help with the two days they have to get up without you in the house, or pay a babysitter on the days you are commuting. The other days are more doable for your family.

I'd try to find a house as close to both a secondary school and primary then, so that it is as easy for the kids / your mum as possible.

You've got this.

Are you sure the dcs dad won’t stop you moving?

Oh and also, once you have built up your network in your hometown again, it will be more than just your old friends. You'll have new friends at the school gate, and ime, people pitch in. I had a health thing a while ago and I couldn't do the school run, and people rallied round from my youngest's school.

If your mum is a nice mum, that is invaluable as extended family for your children, especially now their father has bogged off.

You won't need your mum's help with wraparound care for 15 years unless you have more kids. By 10, your kids should be able to get themselves to and from school, as long as you pick one that isn't miles from home.

I voted for hometown choice. Best of luck, OP.

Flexible working request? And option 2.

Im guessing from the 2 hr commute you work 9-5?

Could you request 10-4 2 days a week in the office and then make up those 4 hours on your WFH days? You couldn’t 8.30-5.30 to make up 3 hours and then either drop an hour or try 10-4.30 in office and have your mum on standby to collect at 6?

Probably worthwhile doing the flexible working request and seeing the lay of the land before making a decision as it’ll guide you further to what’s workable and what isn’t.

I voted option 1 because I just cant see how 2 is viable. That's long days for you all, only you know if that really is sustainable.

Could you request shorter working days when in the office and make up the time at home ?

I’d go for option 2. Your mum is not old and an hour a couple of days a week each of the day will be fine. I’d do it if needed ( and have done) and I’m older.

I chose option 2 when in your shoes. What I would say is be prepared for things to change. I had a clear agreement in place with my mum before moving and then it quickly became apparent that the reality was not what she'd imagined and I then had to pay for full time wrap around childcare anyway which is expensive.

Equally, if I need the odd bit of childcare I now have options for that so I can go to the hairdressers, work events, the odd social thing. Which gives me more balance to my life. This is so, so important when you're a lone parent.

7-7 2 days a week is a lot for you but I'd say you are better not setting yourself up to only ever be an employee or a mum, which is what you'd be if you are city based with no supports. You need time to just be yourself as well. So being closer to the supports that enable you to do that is worth its weight in gold. Even if friends nearby can call in for a cuppa when your child is in bed, that's a very important thing to have in life.

So I'd say you need to ask your mum to sit down and have a very realistic think about what she is actually able/ willing to do in terms of childcare so you have a clear understanding of what that will actually look like before you move, cost local nurseries/wraparound and make decisions based on that.

The fact you have friends nearby also means that if your mum is busy a day you might have a back up. I'd be also offering to babysit their kids as soon as you're settled to earn a few favours.

I'd speak to your work and see if you can spread your hours.

It will also be worth speaking to a citizens advice service to check what benefits if any you're entitled to. I got much more help than I'd expected and it's been a godsend.

It's a tough adjustment and initially I found the first year I was really just surviving and living on routine, but a few years in and I'm focusing much more on myself and life feels good again. Time is a great healer.

Would your work let you shift your hours so you do shorter days in office and longer days at home?

I mean in fairness it was more of an Option 3, found a nice market town with. 1.5 hr commute, nearer family but it was more about access to decent schooling, house prices.