Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

I'm luckier than you and living comfortably at the moment. Can cope with small unexpected house repairs etc but not having expensive holidays every year. My adult DC have not had help with house deposits and for meals out etc sometimes I pay but not always.

Exactly! I can afford to treat my children to whatever they want (within reason). If I had 3 children then I wouldn't be able to so much, and if I had more than that I definitely wouldn't be able to.

There's a problem with the question. No, you haven't failed financially. But people who genuinely can't afford £1 to charity also haven't "failed financially". Neither have people living on the streets. You might not be as lucky as some people. It's not about failure. So when pp says she'd be gutted if she couldn't afford £1 to charity - I agree, so would I. That does not mean anyone is judging you as a failure. People package up privilege as success far too often. And the opposite too.

I'll add that I paid my parents rent once I started working. It was the norm round our way.

Goodness there are some real idiots
on this thread tonight.

i’ve worked within Housing , social care and welfare benefits for the last three decades in varying different jobs.

What I can tell you is there is a huge proportion of people who cannot afford to bankroll their children as they grow into young adults.

Many children from age 16 are expected to contribute towards the family income. For example, if they get an apprenticeship pay a small amount towards their keep to their parents. This isn’t saved but used day-to-day on actual household needs..

Others get part-time jobs whilst in education so they have money to actually buy the things that young people want to.

They grow up young and realise the realities of money.

A lot of these families are working full-time some are homeowners, some rent but all struggle day-to-day to maintain their bills.

Extras such as days out and meals or takeaway are budgeted for. Getting the bill is split as necessary.

No you have not failed. You are real and sadly not alone in feeling this. It’s tough!

As for me. I’m already dreading my oldest child finishing college next year because I’m going to lose a huge amount of money. ( to us) in terms of the top what we get from some benefits and maintenance from his Dad. I do not envisage that he will be able to get a job and contribute that level of income towards keeping him here. Add to that another child has wishes to go to uni in next 4 years so we will lose support for her too, but also be expected to contribute towards uni costs.

All of this whilst maintaining a family home for her to return to. My husband and I work full-time in professional jobs and on paper you would think how do they qualify for benefits but we do because of our extremely high rent and that is in social Housing!

There is no money extra for driving lessons buying cars for them. I’m earning more year on year. Just got a 3k pay rise in a new job but our commitments still outstrip our wages. It’s tough!

Does my bum look big in this?Oh, i've been meaning you to tell you karen babe your bum.It looks big in everything you've been.Wearing, and we've all been talking about it.

Yeah this poster was out of line. Sorry they said that.

I was on the thread about adult children, I actually said about taking rent and saving it, but that was because the woman in question had them living for free so didn’t seem to need the money.

Letting children live at home for a small amount or no rent is probably what the majority would hope for, but I don’t think it is even close to the reality for everyone, and I don’t think it would benefit all young adults anyway. The adult children on the previous post clearly weren’t benefitting from it because they were unable to live alone and returned to their childhood home.

If you need to charge rent to your adult children then that’s not a failure of any kind, it will teach them to respect what you can give them and to learn to stand on their own two feet. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I wouldn’t feel bad that you can’t always treat your children - I think the sadder thing is that they aren’t regularly treating you! I’ve fully financially supported my mum since I was a teenager and so effectively pay for everything (even if she does ‘treat’ me out of the money I give her - still sweet in my eyes), and have dropped potential boyfriends who haven’t put their hand in their pocket to take out their parents but are happy to take from them.

Sometimes, life has a way of kicking people in the teeth no matter how hard they work or how carefully they think they've planned.

I recall realising that my husband's kids had no real idea of the economic reality for many people.

I'll give them their due, they both did well for themselves coming from a family that did encourage them. However, they only remembered the middle class lifestyle with two working parents, not the hard times.

They both finished up in careers with expense accounts etc and would habitually order expensive bottles of wine when their dad was paying for a meal and so on.

@Cantering87

MN is not really representative of the UK as a whole

On here you are only an "average earner " @60k a year and you think nothing of dropping a few £K on a frock and a holiday for the family is easily 10K

I dont move in those circles - although my DH works to a multi millionaire :)

His daughter gets more from the state in benefits then we earn jointly. There was a time when we did earn well and she was struggling so of course we picked up the tab , but now? Not a ruddy mission

Have you failed? Possibly in the sense that you haven't explained to your kids that you dont have the money to constantly pick up the tab. But other then that - not at all

When I first started work - my wages were £42.50 Bus fare was the £2.50. I had to give £20 to the house for keep. DH started as an apprentice £17.50 a week - his dad took £10 and when DH kicked off, he was shown the door and told to go find somewhere else where all meals, laundry, electric , oil etc could be found for £10

All these mums saving their kids keep to hand back to them, what's that actually teaching the kids other then the parents are cash cows, that they can spunk their own money and go running back to bank of mum and dad ?

You can answer people’s questions without making them feel like total shit.

My impression is that many people on Mumsnet have a comfortable middle class lifestyle.

I'm from a working class background and don't really recognise the family lifestyle that I see on here. However, I did have a decent job when I was working and was better off then.

I'm now retired and widowed and still adjusting to my current financial circumstances.

I remember when I was in the staffroom of a school where I worked, hearing other teachers discussing going for coffee and cake with their pals when they were senior pupils. There's no way that I could afford that as a senior pupil, until I got my Saturday job

Fair enough. I find it really depressing people that some people, choose to kick others when they are down rather than try to offer empathy or at the very least simply choose not to reply if they don't have anything of actual worth to contribute.

I mean how sad must someone's life be that they choose to go out of their way to use their time to just be a dick to a complete stranger? Or maybe they are just completely starved of any attention in their actual lives that they relish even negative attention from strangers?

Either way, it's really depressing to think of people like and how tragic their lives must be.

Yep id flinch at the pound habit not thst it couldn't be spared but that its a £ i might of needed. Hard to explain

What on earth is making you so unhappy that you felt the need to post that?