Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

This.

That sort of works if you don't actually read what the OP wrote:

Where am I going wrong? Is anyone else just getting by? Not broke but not able to be overly genius with money? My disabled son put £1 in a charity box yesterday without checking with me and I felt really gutted. Then I felt so guilty because it’s charity for goodness sake, I should be at a point in my life where I can do that

That's not begrudging, it's a legitimate reaction when money is tight - count the pennies. She has to keep an eye on every outgoing. Her later guilt shows a good heart and her pain is that she's in the position where she has to be vigilant about what appear to be small amounts of money.

The word 'begrudge' only makes sense if someone can afford a thing in the first place, and the OP said she immediately felt guilty, which clearly indicates her initial reaction was a gut reaction based on a feeling of not being able to afford it, not some considered selfish decision not to ever give to charity.

Accusing the OP of a moral failing, of some kind of lack of charitable generosity, clearly makes no sense in this context, where the question is about whether or not it's usual to feel so stretched that £1 in a charity box produces that gut reaction.

@Cantering87 I don’t think you’ve failed financially because you have a roof over your head, afford your bills and eat good food as you say. What I do think you may be failing at is telling your adult DC it’s now time for them to cover their own costs. They’ll soon get used to it. If they can’t afford to, then don’t go out with them, just have a cuppa and a chat at home.

Its just your oldr kids don't understand what your bill are and they would spend money differently.
When I was in a house share paying rent, going on holiday, going out every weekend etc I thought my parents must be loaded.
It didn't occur to me that my heating bill was split between 4 housemates and all the other bills
I used to wonder what my parents could spend their money on because they didn't drink or go on holiday.
And of course I hadn't a clue of the cost of raising the younger kids who were still at school

What do you earn annually @Cantering87 ?
Do you have a lot of outings?

Did she say how many she has? Must be at least 3 in any case. People have 3/4/5 kids then wonder why they're broke!

She's not alone in thinking that it sounded as if you did begrudge it. That was how it read.

No one can answer this because everyone has different spending habits and what is normal for one is a luxury for another. It's all about prioritising.

Without knowing your exact income and outgoings, nobody can comment.

Disgusting 🤢

Your children must be quite spaced out in age if you have grown up children and then one younger than 10. So when a lot of people would be becoming more financially comfortable you had another baby?

How many children do you have? You can only spend what you have so if you don’t have enough then you need to explain that to your older children. Invite them to yours for lunch or tell them you’ll come and see them? Don’t spend money you can’t afford to spend.

You said nothing wrong in your original post. I think some later posters haven’t seen the first bit where the OP attacked you, and have only seen your later responses to that. I’m sure there will be others who don’t see a problem either 💐

It really depends on perspective.

Would that make me feel like I'd failed (for which I'm reading "could have made better choices along the way") if I felt like that in my 20s? No - my life was a real struggle then, when I was basically hanging on for dear life and nothing I tried seemed to work.

25 years later, after working like crazy to make up for the poor quality of the decisions I'd made back then for a couple of decades as well as coping with the constant shots from outside our house...yes, I'd feel like I'd failed if I was still struggling.

This isn't judgement; it's acknowledgement of the fact that any judgement has to take into account the circumstances you started with and how you got here from there. If, looking back, you can't see any better way to have handled every choice along the way, then...no, you're not a failure. Hell, even if you can think of a few things that could've been dealt with more effectively with the information you had at the time, then just treat them as teachable moments.

I'd say that you could only consider it a financial failure if you've consistently made the worst choices possible. I suspect that's not the case.

Absolutely this. Thank you for wording this so well x

It's pretty depressing that your idea of a good time is baiting people asking genuine questions about money if you ask me. But you do you pal.

I think you need to find your voice.

When we were discussing what to have for tea (last night's leftover bolognaise or fish fingers) my son hopefully said "or takeaway" and I told him no. We are going on holiday in a caravan tomorrow (a treat from my parents that we couldn't have afforded) and I explained on holiday we will get fish and chips one night and probably go out one night but we will be taking sandwiches down the beach and cooking the other nights.

My son is 16 and I told him we can't afford to spend £500 on holiday buying fish and chips down the beach every day etc this year. That we might get a tray of chips as his brother with special needs won't eat a sandwich but it won't be lunch time fish and chips as we need to budget this break. In past years we have been able to buy fish and chips at the beach regularly (after being lucky to not pay for the holiday) but this year we can't.

If you are feeling annoyed when you have paid for things and then the person does things that you couldn't afford then you have paid for things that you didn't really want to pay for. I think you need to tell your adult kids that unless you have invited them out for a birthday or similar then you will each pay for your own. If they can't afford it then they should say and you will bring a treat and a flask to share in the park or invite them over for tea/cake at home. Repeat this when you make the plan "we are OK to pay for our own - yes?"

You have also said you hope they don't order expensive things as you are paying and again I think you need to speak up so if you are paying say "This pub has curry and a drink offer £12 on Wednesday do you fancy it? I'll pay the £12 but any extra you'll have to pay yourself". There is nothing wrong with encouraging your kids to look for value or to respect your money.

If you are managing to pay your bills, care for your child who is still at home and have the odd treat then you are doing very well.

I earn similar to my husband and no way I could manage on my wage alone. We also have a child with special needs and tag team his care so it's difficult to work more as one of us needs to be available for him - so managing your childcare alone you are amazing.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging your children, particularly your adult children to respect you and your money.

Yes but money is an issue so it’s ok to say this and mean it. My DM is not well off and, once we were earning, there was no question of us expecting her to always pay. In fact she now never pays.

What are your bills like? My aunty lives alone and we found out that she was paying something like £80 a month for her internet and was also on water rates (more like 4 times what she should pay) She wastes money in ways like this. Her internet bill should be more like £25 a month!!

My parents also waste so much money on branded food.

I buy far too many clothes.

We all waste money in different ways.

If you said that you have a decent job, where is is going?

Basically, if you've grown up quite poor and you've also had financial responsibility for your household £1 is not just £1 , it's milk, it's bread, its fruit, and that's something you never forget. No matter 6 figure job, no 6 figure job. Amazing wife who's also got money or no. Amazing wife? So if my kid was to track a pound in a charity pot, and I wasn't expecting them to do that, I might flinch, does it mean I can't afford it? It's not the pound, it's what the pound meant to me for most of my life until this moment. You don't just forget how much £1 means to you unless you've been in a situation where £1 means a lot to you, and it's no judgement on all the ladies here that are commenting, because I think there's some real polite direct inquiries about a situation, and are the circumstance, that must be completely alien to some of you and you know what I'm glad I'm glad you don't understand the £1 thing. My children, they're not going to understand the one pound thing.So other than the one person that's been an absolute pleb, I think this is quite a decent fair and balanced conversation, and both sides make absolute sense to me.