Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

You need to work on your adult DC’s expectations. When I hit harder times 10 years ago, my three DC were in their mid-20s. We started using Splitwise when we went out so that we shared costs equally. It’s only fair to do this surely? You’re not a cash machine!

You should take your own advice then.

You have been unnecessarily unpleasant to the OP and it doesn't show you in a good light.

You are obviously one of those 'I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and I am now a millionaire' posters. You could have sympathised with OP's situation and offered practical advice. You chose to insult her to make her feel even worse about herself.

There is no book of rules. Just because a few people on the internet claim they do x or y , it doesn’t make a new rule for anyone else. I have young people at home in their mid twenties, so I just charge rent, end of. They’re old enough to contribute in life. I charge enough for a weekly cleaner, too, because they don’t get round to doing it!

Why would you need therapy for this.
I think it’s a pretty human response to feel annoyed that you’re paying for others who can afford to pay for themselves whilst you’re struggling.
And to then feel guilty because they’re family and you wish you could afford it.
It makes perfect sense to me.

I really think you should just talk to your adult children, they may just be continuing a long established pattern without really thinking about it.

I think things cost more than they used to - even McDonald's isn't a cheap trip out (and actually sometimes other chain type restaurants can be cheaper if you have younger kids so like your 10 year old with kids eat free offers).

I think regarding your adult children, can taking them out for lunch be seen as something for special occasions like birthdays and perhaps part of their gift?

It's hard though to know anyone's situation - I am always amazed at what I see some people do when in my mind they surely can't afford it, but maybe they just use credit cards or have others pay for it (for example going on holidays where their own parents are in a position to pay and cover taking their child and grandchildren).

Although it's also difficult to make comparisons as people have different priorities. There will be some people who say they have no money yet put money into savings each month. So people are just making different choices over how to live their lives.

To answer your question OP- noone I know who has adult children living at home allows them to do it completely free (nor takes money from them, only to save it up for later). I live in a typical middle class area and most of my friends are the same bracket.

I am at the age where lots of us have kids at university age and of course, we dont charge them rent if they are studying but I know of noone who would do this if their kids are now full time working adults. Why on earth wouldnt they contribute to the family bills if they are capable adults?

Rent amounts can vary but they are all expected to contribute something. When I was in that situation at that age, I was also expected to contribute towards living costs. Personally, I think it's good from a budgeting point of view, and preparation for later life.

OP, I've read your posts and it sounds like you're pretty amazing! Always worked, went back to study, raised a number of children and still have some at home and were able to be generous enough not to charge the older ones rent while they were at home. Honestly, on your own, that's pretty damn amazing.

I came from a similar home. We didn't have a lot, I can remember getting the odd food hamper from a church and how much that helped mum. She was also on her own, did cleaning and whatever unskilled jobs she could find to keep us afloat and buy a home eventually. I stayed at home during uni and she didn't charge me rent, I moved out at 22.

I've also worked hard, done pretty well. If mum was still here, she'd be proud. I've always worked full time, no paid maternity leave, so back to work when each of my kids was very little. We are definitely better off than mum was, our kids have had a pretty good life and we didn't charge them rent because we didn't need to.

Kids though, they sort of come to expect things that aren't always realistic. They want to be treated as 'grown up' but they are always happy for the bank of mum and dad to pay for outings. Now, we are in a position to do this, but I don't want them turning into ungrateful twats, so despite the fact that I could afford to pay, I don't always pay. When I do pay, I will sometimes message one in particular to remind them I'm not paying for the most expensive item on the menu. Even though we are lucky enough to afford to be generous, I don't want to be crazily wasteful either.

Ours have learnt from this. Sometimes we will get food and they get their own drinks and they will offer to grab us a drink too. If I'm going to lunch with one of them, I will probably pay 4 times out of 5, but sometimes as we sit down to order, I'll just tell them that lunch is on them today. I'm mindful of them in return, so I do this somewhere that I know also won't break the bank for them and I also don't order anything ridiculously expensive.

I like the idea that someone else shared, about going to a place with a bit of a fixed price option or a lunch special etc too.

It's easy for young people to be oblivious to the struggles of others, so they need to be reminded and taught to consider others. Even when you've nailed this as a parent, they can still forget that 'others' includes their own parents and our generosity shouldn't be taken for granted. Our generosity doesn't come with strings attached, but nobody likes to feel like they're being taken for granted, even if they can afford it.

As someone who has been through some very lean times, it feels good to be on the other side of that, but I haven't forgotten what it was like at times.

Keep going, you sound great! Hopefully the kids will all grown up and leave home eventually and the cost of living will ease for you too.

... and those somewhere in-between ...

You forgot the Singles!

I paid board when I was younger. My mum was a single parent. Tbh at the time I didnt even question it. It was the norm.

I will be charging my kids board when the time comes. Im not poor but im not well off either, even if i was I would still charge them.

Life if expensive and they need these type of life lessons.

MN is made up of people on min wage OR with DHs on 100k plus jobs... 😀

Mumsnet is a crazy place to compare yourself. Me and my partner both have good well regarded jobs and we will never be able to pay my kids rent etc, nor would I want to. In terms of your post, if I had a property big enough I'd let them live there but they'd be paying for food/ bills etc. But I hear people on here paying their kids rent in London while they get themselves settled! Something is normos will never relate to lol

There's something that occurs to me frequently.

Money was always tight when I was growing up, but my mother's mantra, 'Look After The Pennies And The Pounds Will Look After Themselves' is never far from my mind. It's utterly true.

Believe it.

Each to their own.

Utter bollocks

OP has been unaccepting of some advice that she had asked for which we'd kind of expect She was dismissive and totally over-reactive in this case. The 'Thanks for calling my life depressing' was totally self absorbent. I think that this poster was really quite patient.

Oh come on - this is a classic Mumsnet pile on- -to the OP- -so we all feel superior!!

Give over mate Why did you even post? Was it to be rude and a bit smug?

I thought the same.

OP has been unaccepting of some advice that she had asked for which we'd kind of expect She was dismissive and totally over-reactive in this case. The 'Thanks for calling my life depressing' was totally self absorbent. I think that this poster was really quite patient.

I would hope that adult children would have an understanding of the general state of your finances, but maybe this is a family by family situation where some talk about money, and some don't. For example, I have a rough idea of my dad's pension, my mum's wage + pension from previous role, some of their bills, and I know their mortgage is paid off. I've had a ballpark idea of this since my early 20s, and am in my mid 30s now.

I had some housing and employment issues and ended up living with them on and off through adulthood. I always happily paid keep, even though they didn't "need" it. I knew I was lucky to live there.

You're implying OP has been nasty to that poster, can you point out which post you mean as I'm not seeing it?

You are not a failure. I would be in exactly your position if my husband and I split up.

I grew up in a family where money was extremely tight and my DPs were very careful about spending. As teenagers we DC got jobs (Saturday jobs, delivery rounds, babysitting) and never expected our parents to pay for any luxuries. As adults we would never have dreamed of asking for money. We just accepted that was the norm. I had much richer friends, but I just accepted that they were and we weren't.

DH was the same. My DPs are more comfortably off now, but I would still not expect them to treat us all the time. DMIL is not as well off, so we try to treat her more.

It's the way you say things. I hope you have the emotional intelligence in real life to realise that and speak accordingly.

Do you claim DLA for disabled son? Might help if you're struggling and it's not means tested.

Well said. I am financially ok at the moment but remember what it was like being in debt, so I still treat my money in the same way, and find it hard to spend money on certain things. I remember going around the supermarket with £5 to buy food for the week (admittedly this was 20 years ago!). I don’t have children though so it’s easier as I only have to manage my own finances and don’t have the extra pressure.

When I was in debt/on a lower income I couldn’t even afford to put into colleagues birthday collections etc and that was awful and I certainly didn’t have money to give to charity.

To the OP, you haven’t failed, but comparing yourself to others will never end well. Also I would check out moneysavingexpert - it’s a great website if you haven’t already heard of it.

I'd imagine that you perhaps haven't seen the OPs previous response to this poster.