Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

I think lots of people are in the same boat these days. If your adult children live elsewhere then they shouldn't expect you to pay when you meet up.

Finances are hard as a single parent. My exh never worked so child maintenance for two dc has been £7 a week from his benefits for fourteen years.

I used to get tax credits and they made a big difference to my finances but my dc are over eighteen now.

Re the meals out, I have stopped them and told everyone we only go out for birthdays. I did take one adult child out recently to a lovely cafe they wanted to go to just for coffee and cake and it cost me £26!

I think there’s a difference between “I’m financially comfortable and just want to charge my children rent on principle” and “I’m struggling to get by and really need the money”.

It would be unreasonable to charge them a large amount, but if you genuinely need the income (I.e. they’re eating a lot of food or using a lot of electricity) then it’s fair enough. If you’re charging them, say, £150 a month, could you save £25 of that for them? Even that would go a long way when they come to buy a house, you’d cover some of their fees. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing.

Equally with going out, when you arrange for a coffee then say “I’m skint at the moment, can we pay for our own?” I’d be very surprised if they said no to that? Or, as someone else said, arrange for a nice lunch at home that doesn’t need to cost much

@Justgorgeous
FGS its a damned if you do, damned if you dont
Op asked and got a perfectly reasonable answer
Its absolutely depressing , totally but as usual its the defensiveness, crabs in a bucket mentality

Am I poor ?
Yes
Omg how dare you !

I find this thread so sad. It reminds me of a time I was teaching and one of the kids was crying on no uniform day. I bent down next to him to tell him not to worry and he said "it's all my fault, dad asked me if I wanted to use the pound to buy bread or have the no uniform day and I chose the bread as I was so hungry". It broke my heart then and there.

OP if I was your kid, and I knew you were struggling like this, there is no way I would not do anything. Not just coffees and lunches, but money into you account every month no questions asked for you to do what you want with. I'm not rich by mn standards. And if my husband had a problem with it, I d tell him to stfu. There is no way I'd let my mom struggle when I had money.

Only if you let them. I’ve got DSs 26 and 18, the eldest lives with his GF. We are clear about whether we are treating eldest or not, and will do the same with the youngest when he’s off our hands. You need to have a hard conversation with yours.

Think before you type. You never know, your life may become more perfect.

I'm with you on this, OP. Mumsnet seems to be full of parents who are looking for any possible excuse to throw large amounts of money at their adult children, even when those adult children are in their thirties or forties. But if adult children have a job or are able to get one, then I think they should in the main be expected to pay for themselves. Being an adult means being responsible for yourself and for your (not yet adult) children. Our being older than them also doesn't automatically mean that we are earning more than they are or have more available cash (in your case you are paying for younger children). I think you need a sit down conversation with your children, to discuss what they can reasonably expect from you.

That was very sweet and kind of your son to make that donation.

Did you feel that you couldn't afford the £1? You probably could. Just once.

Or don't you believe in charity?

Are you a saver or just struggling to the end of the month.

I have known really stingy people who would not give to charity, would not buy a round of drinks, would not maintain their homes, would not buy new clothes, exuded an air of not having much money.
Then they died leaving a fortune behind. They kept themselves poor by having a fear of being poor.

I think however much money you have it is super annoying when your kids fall ill but school won’t refund trip money. I lost £25 for a school trip as my daughter was too unwell to go on the day. Hope the money was put to good use!

And I understand your £1 comment, it is like when you have a big expense then after that you feel like you need to be careful overall.

I think you need to be honest with your children. And tell them the status of your finances so that they can set their expectations accordingly. I always tell my kids what we can and cannot afford and they are only 6 and 9. I also remind them frequently to be grateful for whatever we have and not to compare with others. There will always be someone with more and someone with less! Good luck to you! I hope your financial situation gets better. Take care and don’t let people on the internet make you feel bad. Hugs!

I really feel you on this one. We don’t have adult children, but do have a disabled 10 year old (and an 8 year old). Both me and my husband have professional careers and went to university etc (though I can’t work much at the moment because of our eldest’s needs). We are pretty skint! Like you we prioritise good quality food and we’re not on the poverty line, but we do have to think hard about everything we buy. We couldn’t possibly afford to go on holiday, we drive very old (20+ years) cars and we very rarely eat out etc. I rarely buy new clothes and never buy jewellery or anything like that.

I often wonder if inadvertently made
some kind of terrible financial error and have spectacularly failed in life… I think some of it must just be circumstances? Having a disabled child incurs a lot of extra expenses that other people probably wouldn’t even think of. I’m lucky to be happily married, but I do sometimes think that if we did want to split up, I don’t see how we would possibly afford it! So you’ve done better than me!

I don’t know if Mumsnet is just full of wealthy people, full of people that tell porky pies (probably!) or I was just horribly naive about what an abject failure I am, but it certainly does nothing for my confidence when people are posting about their ‘perfectly normal’ 21 year old children on starting salaries of £120k

Sometimes people don’t have enough money because their basic expenses and income don’t work. Some people don’t have enough though because they are bad with money and don’t know how to budget. Some people think a takeaway once a week is the norm others think it’s a luxury for occasional treats.
I have helped adult dc by not charging rent but that’s about it really. They have jobs and are not struggling. I want them to save money for house deposits so they can buy asap.
It’s difficult to know how normal your situation is without a breakdown of your income and expenses.

We used to pay for our adult kids but now they earn more than us we just stopped and they seem to have taken it on board. We also charge town rent if they need to move back in while they save for something and we don’t save it we put it towards their share of the bills.
its not unreasonable and helps them to value money

A friend of mine had been very poor when her kids were young. Things improved but she said when they got their first jobs they would often give her say 50 pounds and tell her to treat herself. That made her so proud. So I don't think it's only money being tight that's making you sad, it's the sense of dealing with it on your own always. Talk to all your children. Explain your worries. Give them a chance to be involved as a family or at least aware.

You seem a bit caught up on the issue of rent/board paid by young adult children and other parents being able to afford to save these contributions on their kids behalf.

Presumably you were affording your life beforevyou had rent from them, because well, you had to? So what has changed now, that you now 'need' their rent/board money such that it cant be saved on their behalf?

Sounds like you chose to have at least 3 kids?!

I would have loved a 3rd child and it will be one of my life's greatest sadness that I couldn't have one. But I knew we couldn't afford it.

You made some expensive choices - leaving school at 16, going to college and uni later, having 3 kids. I'm sure it was all worth it and partly unavoidable but there's your answer.

I think there’s a conversation to be had with your kids around entitlement and expectations. I think I was like your kids when I was at home, not earning, and just assumed my parents would pay for meals out. They didn’t charge me board once I had a job, but actually looking back they should have! They supported me all the way through uni which I’m forever grateful for, but I don’t think it did me any favours in terms of learning to budget, save money and be properly independent. I was always grateful though, and made sure they knew that.

I’m much better at managing my finances now (although it sounds like I am in a similar financial position to you, there’s very little spare and never has been), and will always treat my dad in some way when we get together.

Why are you so combative to the OP? There really is no need.

I understand the pressure, OP. Mine was never eligible for school meals etc but we also never had much spare. For me the hardest part of it is dealing with DD’s resentment over things like holidays etc. It’s a slap in the face every time.

Single parenting - especially if it’s without much of a support system - is one of those experiences that it’s difficult for people to empathise with unless they’ve been through it.

Life’s events change things. We just have to do the best we can - we’re all only one unforeseen event in front of a disaster.

When my husband was alive, we were very generous to the adult kids and grandchildren.

Now I’m a widow, I can’t do all that. I’ve got half my previous household income coming in and the same expenses going out. That’s life. They understand the situation. 👍

I always paid ‘housekeeping’ when I lived at home with my parents, as a teenager, and my children did the same with me when they started work. It teaches us all that nothing in life is free, once you’re an adult, and that you need to work for what you want in life.

If you’ve got a disabled child, then that £1 would have been better spent on him, rather than the hefty salaries the execs of these large charities receive.

For what it’s worth, you sound as if you’re doing just fine, considering your circumstances. 😉

I cant see the problem either
Its utterly depressing and miserable to witter on about £1
To go for a meal and ruin it banging on at your DC
To go on holiday and lecture your DC about not having fish and chips
My DF was like this, he never stopped , birthdays and christmas ruined, as you opened your gifts he would go on and on about it to the point I just wished they hadnt bothered
Worked hard, bought a house, car etc
Or anything you bought
HOW MUCH?? with a face like thunder

I would be careful you dont drive your DC away @Cantering87

I think the issue is that you and your ex built a life in that house with an income to match. Now you’re attempting to keep the show on the road on one income. Of course it’s hard. And we are living in hard economic times with costs going up and income not doing much.

Charging board is ok. People have incredibly different centres of financial gravity. I picked up something this week from a huge, incredibly posh house last week and left wondering how it would feel to have achieved that. The stats say not much different, actually - but I definitely wouldn’t mind giving it a go…

This site isn't reflective of reality. I think the weird reaction to your comment about the £1 in the charity box proves that. Clearly you weren't saying you couldn't afford it.

Millions of families are in the same position as you, my parents couldn't afford to give me a house deposit and life is far more expensive now than it was then.

Your adult children shouldn't expect to be funded by you either and they're old enough to understand why. I would never ask my parents for money.

Do your kids understand that money is really tight, or do you try to keep it to yourself, not to worry them? Maybe they don’t realise the pressure they are putting on you.

My parents scraped by financially when I was younger, so they made sure we understood that we couldn’t afford what other could. We didn’t eat out, our clothes were hand-me-downs, we took sandwiches to the beach while our friends went to the zoo and got lunch in the cafe etc. But our parents explained well that we couldn’t afford what others could….. and I don’t ever remember feeling resentful of others.

I was lucky that I went to uni in the days before it cost a fortune. Most of my friends had much bigger monthly allowance from their parents than I, so I couldn’t afford the social life or the shopping that they could…… but again I understood that my parents worked hard but couldn’t afford the same.

It gave me a great work ethic - if I wanted money to nice things, then I needed to work 20 hours per week alongside uni. And it’s made me become a really hard worker who understands the value of money.

Id have a gentle chat with your kids every now and then and just make sure that they understand your position. They may not be taking the piss if you haven’t explained to them. They might just see what their peers do with their parents and expect you can afford the same. If they suggest meeting up for lunch, say “oh sorry I’d love to but money is tight at the moment, but I’d love to see you - could we meet up and go for a walk instead.”