Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

I earn very well and DP has a higher than average salary but we live in London and have a huge mortgage. On paper we are probably deemed well off but we really do have to watch what we are spending. We definitely aren’t broke and I wouldn’t pretend we are but it’s obvious that life has become incredibly expensive to live. Mortgage, childcare, travel to work etc.

I’d like to be able to have our DD live with us until she can afford too move out (she’s only 7 so are a long way off) and I’d hope that we could do that without charging her rent but I do think that’s a privileged position to be in - especially for adult children. But I’ll also be working until I’m 70 at the earliest due to the cost of housing. It was a choice we made to stay in an area that we love and that DD has a great community but it has cost us in terms of our monthly outgoings. I used to be able to treat my mum to dinners and the theatre but that’s ended now.

Probably because the OP was incredibly rude?

I have one child Certainly couldn't afford to save and return their lodging money to them when they lived at home as a young adult. And yes, I did need the money from them to help support us. It went towards food and petrol, which in part was used to ferry them around. The child benefit that some on here seem to feel is a drop in the ocean was a major loss to me when they aged out of it.

Half of the month at that time we both had to survive on £20 for groceries. Basic bread, value milk etc. If they hadn't paid rent, in effect we wouldn't have been able to eat. So I definitely feel your pain over the £1 charity donation.

Conversely, I was in a better financial place when they later wanted to buy their first home so gave them some deposit money. And will help them fund a big purchase they have coming up in a couple of years if I can still afford it then.

As an 'adult child' it amazes me what other people's parents still pay for.

I had a single mum working in retail, I earned my own money from 16. Didn't pay board but only because I went to uni at 18 and paid my own rent. My sister stayed at home and she did.

I was amazed at uni when my boyfriend's parents took us out for a meal and they paid. He just expected in.

In all my years of adulthood, we've paid our own and still do.

But I don't resent it in any way. It was good for me. I learned how to budget early because there wasn't a fall back option.

I have an amazing mum who has supported me in every other way. When you read about the strings, toxicity and fall outs money brings on here, I'll take financial independence.

It's different not paying if your parents are very comfortable but I couldn't have enjoyed going on a night out knowing the money I spent on it meant my mum had to struggle or work more. Your own children just need to understand that and that will make them nicer adults.

@Cantering87you're not coming across well with this spat with @Ilovemychocolate. You're being unnecessarily defensive and having a go at her and trying to take offence at something which is totally unwarranted. I'm not sure what you wanted from the £1 story...you seem to now want to make a point that your son is more deserving of the £1 than the charity (or something?) But even the people most on the breadline probably can afford £1 to charity so to say that you can't afford £1 to charity is actually quite depressing. I don't think it's unkind to say so and it's not fair to try and extrapolate some big comment on your life in general.

With regards to treating your adult children when you meet up, they might be like I was. Obviously when I was a child, my parents would always pay for me whenever we went anywhere. It was the norm, and, for whatever reason, it didn't occur to me that this would stop when I was an adult living alone, with a full time job. Eventually, they did have to tell me that when we met up, I would have to pay for myself. And after that I did. My brother was the same (we're probably not the brightest of sparks). It's not even that they can't afford it, it's the principle of it.
You just need to make it clear to them, and not feel guilty about it.

I don't think anyone should be judging or opining on the number of children you have. There is no blame here (and 'failure' is such a loaded word) but the reality is that being a single parent with multiple children is just almost always going to mean you have less disposable money than a dual income family or a single parent family with one child. This will be particularly true with adult children as there will no longer be any additional child benefit etc. Your adult children pay see their friends' parents pay for things and expect you to, but they need to think about the fact you are just not in the same position as them.

Not everyone pays for their kids once they are adults. In our family it was fully expected we got part time jobs at 16 to pay for things we wanted (parents paid for all necessities but if I wanted £20 to go out with my mates that was my responsibility). Those who stayed at home while working FT after education paid board. Parents did squirrel some of this away to give us a helping hand when we moved out, but the majority went to running the household. If we wanted to come on holidays post 18 we contributed even a token amount.

I’ll expect my children to get part time jobs when they are old enough, I think it can be the making of them personally and teaches them the value of money.

Things eased financially for them once mortgage paid off. I still never expect them to pay my lunch! They will offer but likewise I will buy lunches / coffees when it’s my turn!

I admit I just whizzed through your posts OP, so apologies if someone else has suggested this, but are you sure you’re getting all the government help you’re entitled to?

As a single parent, if you’re the sole adult in the home you should receive a 25% reduction in Council Tax - and if you’re not, then the other adult should be giving you the difference, as it will be costing you to have them live there. Also, are you receiving appropriate benefits for your disabled child?

Do run a check on https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ to see if there are any top ups that you could be missing out on.

I think help from parents or getting an inheritance plays a massive part. I've had 2 inheritances (one from Mum, one from Dad), which have helped me to pay my mortgage off. My Dad also had 2 life policies that he kept up, despite them being quite expensive, so my sister and me got the proceeds of those as well. In turn, I have been able to pay for house deposits and weddings for my kids.

My DH on the other hand, has never had any money from his parents. His Dad passed away and everything went to his Mum. His Mum is a multi millionaire with a monthly income of at least 10k in interest and rental incomes, and she never ever gives DH or BIL anything, she won't even pick up a coffee tab. DH has no savings and BIL is in huge amounts of debt and has to watch every penny. Seems insane to me, when MIL is worth millions. It actually gives me the rage watching MIL globe trot all over the world in Business class, whilst BIL is selling stuff on Ebay to cover Christmas etc, and can never afford to eat in a restaurant for a treat. I know you could argue that when MIL dies, DH and BIL will be rich, but MIL was very young when she had them, so there's every chance that DH and BIL will be in their 70's by then, which just feels very late in life to finally get some fucking help!

My lovely cousin no doubt assumes that she is going to inherit her mum's house when she dies (worth about £250k), but unknown to my cousin her Mum did equity release on it around 2003, and there will be absolutely nothing left for inheritances. The only reason I know, and she doesn't, is because my Dad let it slip.

People have different attitudes to money. We always thought PIL were skint whereas my parents were comfortable. My parents helped with a deposit for my first flat etc.

When DH had to use POA for his parents, they actually had as much as mine, they just didn’t spend it. The plus was that they could then afford a fancy care home for their last few years but I’m sad about the experiences that MIL missed out on.

My point is that some parents, like me, choose to subsidise their DC as their chances of owning their own home are slim. We were much luckier. So even when they earn more than me, we will be better off.

I have no issue pressing the no button. Those companies are donating our money instead of theirs and often getting tax breaks into the bargain.

If you’re a single parent they do. Your single person council tax ends for example.

Everything is more expensive these days and a lunch out is easily £40+ for something pretty pedestrian so I’m not surprised you can’t afford to treat your adult dcs. Going out for lunch is the treat in my household generally, not an adjunct to the rest of the day like it used to because it costs so much now.

Also if I gave a £1 or a roundup or a donation to charity every time I was asked I’d be skint! It’s constant noise now and I really dislike constantly pressing no as I feel tight, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

I'd imagine most people on here and in real life who are doing that have two incomes. Yes, we do the same but me and my DH are both earning. If I was single and paying the mortgage, bills, food all on my wage I'd not be able to afford to be as generous as we are.

“They expect it and I don’t really know how to break that.”

Why do they expect it?

When did you and your partner split up? Have your DCs been used to more generous joint finances and don’t realise there’s been an adjustment?
Make it clear to them that money is very tight for you and suggest meeting up to do cheaper things or everyone splits the bill. Invite them over instead, bake a cake or make a cheap lunch, go out for a walk, meet up for a picnic lunch where everyone brings something to share.

something like 1 in 5 struggle with basics - food and shelter

and another 20% probably don’t have much spare to throw around as gifts to adult childen - that’s nearly half the population

you will probably live and work and socialise in an area that’s not the mumsnet “must have a detached 4 bed with large plot , 2 foreign holidays one long haul “ noisy demographic

those percentages have grown in recent years - it’s not your fault, it’s the world situation - the wars and the rise of the right wing and their influence in politics

it’s not failure - it’s normal life in a society that is designed to promote inequality ( capitalism ) because in any such society there needs to be lots of people at the lower end. Moving up without fantastic genes ( to become a world class footballer for example ) and/or great opportunities // inheritance from wealthy parents is increasingly hard.

but by telling you that you have personally failed, by making it your fault, the wealthy excuse themselves from caring. The American nightmare is coming over here

I didn’t insult her, I gave her an answer to a question she asked.

I did think.
And I answered the question the OP asked.

I think seeing it as ‘failure’ is unhelpful. But if you’re unable to do those things in middle age then you’re probably on the lower end of the economic scale. This can be for many reasons especially as you mention a disabled child which can limit earnings due to caring duties. It’s not a failure, but try not to compare yourself because a vast majority of adults in the 45-65 group will be much more financially settled.

As far as rent for living at home goes, if you don't actually want to rent a room out to a stranger for money you are not losing much money by your child living at home. So if you are happy to have them at home, then I would charge the child as a minimum what it costs in terms of utility and food bills (including the loss of the single person's council tax allowance). If it was a long term thing then I would probably add a small rent of say £50 a week.