AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

😮

I thought it was as well.
Didn't we have a thread about this recently on MN ?

Is your role WFH or is it hybrid? I’d be going into the office 5 days a week for a start.

He is essentially your eldest child. He's your teenager/young adult. That works enough to cover his own fun money and babysits for you sometimes. He is not your partner.

He thinks you are a total mug who is desperate to keep him at any cost.

Is he right?

What does a mum contribute when they work part time and rely on her husbands money?

No, get a full time job, you freeloader.

What DID you say?

Answer - no, buy it yourself with your money. If he says he hasn’t any then you reply “ Well tell him you’ll buy it when you’re paid, no more credit card usage”. Also when working make it clear that you are not to be disturbed at all until working day is over.

Well presumably supervision of children, which this fella is not as has been stated.

This!
Does he ever pay back what he spends on your CC or does he assume its free money?
You need a very clear talk about division of labour, childcare, debt repayments and household outgoings.

Childcare usually. Which he doesn’t seem to be very reliable at providing.

No to credit card.
No to using your car.
Yes to him organising childcare (and paying for it) if he is not working that day but wanting to ditch the kids.

By giving him the CC you are not actually giving him independence - you are allowing him to be dependent on you. I think I would

put the CC on ‘stop’ for the next few months or just hide it.

take my car keys to work.

stop working from home when the kids are off school

I hate it when men say their partner is being controlling by getting annoyed at their shit behaviour. He is being controlling by fucking off out for lunch without agreeing it with you - he is effectively making you default carer without your agreement which is actually massively controlling - 'you're looking after the kids now, whether you have any meetings / deadlines or not'

I believe people contribute to the household in different ways, but both parties should contribute the same effort / have the same leisure time. In your case it seems you are putting in loads more effort and he is acting like your teen child with a few chores rather than an equal partner

How old are your kids? How long til they can get themselves to school? Who would they want to live with if yoh split?

Are you able to find a shared hot desk somewhere to work or the library? In that way then he becomes the default child care option

What do you see in this man @Letstalk3llo?

He sounds like an older teen, earning their own fun money, taking very little responsibility and then begging their parents for extra money at the end of the month. This behaviour might be acceptable for an 18 year old but definitely not for a father of three. He is not a partner at all and is clearly taking advantage of you. You deserve much better.

I've never been a SAHM and think it's bad for women in general, but come one! You know the answer to this one. Usually:
All of the housework
All of the child related chores- dentist, Drs, new shoes etc
The school runs
The play dates
The enrichment activities
The after school stuff
The cooking
The present planning and buying
The holiday planning and organizing
The emotional stuff
The bed times
Etc etc etc

Presumably if OP's useless husband was doing all of the above she wouldn't have started this thread

Just out of interest is he as active buying his own children birthday presents?

The answer to the request is still a firm “no”. Can you maybe cut the card but retain the credit facility using online banking. I prefer to use my CC to book things like flights so I would not want to give it up just to change the way a partner is behaving.

Is he actually asking for the physical card? You need to be careful, he just needs to save it to his google account and can spend willy nilly.

You shouldn't have to manage him this way, but if you don't want to do something more drastic, then you could do it like I do with the kids (or, to my shame, my ex) and transfer what he needs to a Revolut account - basically give him pocket money, so you can easily point at it - more for you than him TBH)

When I had similar issues, I would go and work in Costa, or the library, or from my car parked on a side street! (dependent on whether I had calls etc)

Just anywhere so that I wasn't available.

Why give him £20? Better to tell him to go and ask his granny - that is what I had to do when I was a teenager ( she invariably gave me 50 p).

Just a short term step towards a cut off in the future.

Save it to a Google account. 🙈🙈. That's something that hadn't occurred to me. @Letstalk3llo you're very naive as am I.

sounds like a teenager, sees his salary as his personal pocket money and still asks you to buy stuff for his mates and text his mum.
And how much hands on childcare do kids that age need anyway, it's not like you have toddlers.

YANBU for feeling used.

YABU for putting up with it.

You need to be prepared to stand your ground and be comfortable with him being unhappy.

I hope you said no! He doesn't need to buy his friend's son a birthday present: I would assume he's spending the money on himself.

Also, it's the first week of the month. When does he get paid? Please tell me he hasn't run out of money at the end of the first week.