AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

Yes- a wife working part time who expected her DH to look after the kids while he was working so she could swan off spending her time and money seeing mates and who would walk off with her DHs cc etc would be judged more harshly I think.

He is massively taking the piss OP. You need to have a serious word with him and if he doesn’t get it have a word with yourself!

Is there some missing backstory, like he's the next Michelangelo or Mozart or Jesus and he just hasn't had his big break yet but needs to spend all his time working toward that? Otherwise I don't understand why you think his behaviour might be OK. But even if he is a huge yet-to-be-discovered prodigy and you were completely voluntarily willing to subsidise him and do his share of the housework and family admin, he should still clean up after himself and do his half of parenting his children.

The key thing to ask yourself OP is why have you put up with this? What would happen if you challenge him? His behaviour is awful and many women wouldn't tolerate this.

Decide what is acceptable to you and what is not e.g. he can't borrow your credit card, he can't use your car as he has one, he can't disturb you at work, he needs a full time job to help support the family (and pay for wrap around care if needed).

Present him with the list and don't back down.

If he doesn't follow it, he has no respect for you so consider dumping him.

I despise these coulda woulda what ifs.
Start a thread with exactly the scenario you imagine and see how it goes.

You need to have an honest conversation with him.

He is behaving like a AH. He needs to get a proper job esp as he's not pulling his weight.

For me his behaviour would mean the relationship is over.

As a woman it's not a man part-time working that bothers me at all.

It's taking the OP's car, credit card, and leaving the kids basically unattended while he pops off to socialise while mum is working. That is a massive issue.

This is absolutely not a partnership.
Whats the point of him being in the family??? I can’t see any benefit from what you’ve said!

I get that you don’t want to be controlling but personal control is needed in everything relationship.

He isn’t exercising any self control, you done want to control him, you are allowing him to control you. So, it’s time for you to exercise some control of your on.

No allowing use of the car. Absolutely no use of the credit card. Look for out of home workspaces.

Then start quietly looking at his finances. If he had debt once, he probably has debt again. If you decide that this relationship is where you want to be, be realistic about what’s on offer for you and what you are prepared to give. Be controlled enough to give no more. And be realistic about what your alternatives are, as well.

it would be so unfortunate if your office had a return to the office mandate for the rest of the summer wouldn’t it.

Is he working part time to facilitate looking after the kids? If yes, he is properly taking the piss out of you.

can you put the credit card on your apple pay and cut up the physical card so he can’t take it?

He is stealing from you. And the dc.
I suspect you are staying together for all the wrong reasons. Him, because where else is he going to live, access to your money, your car, your doing everything and yiu seem scared of him. Thats why he doesnt give your card back.

Get some gumption, block your credit card and hide it. Take him off the insurance for your car, and tell the twat if he gets in it youre calling the police.

If he wants money for fun, he should earn it. Why did you stick around after all the debt he got you in? Are the dc his? Is he one of those walter mitty types? I bet his mates dont know he is flashing your credit card about.

God I wish I had half the confidence and shameless audacity of the husbands of Mumsnet.

Cut him off, OP. You sound great. I’ll come live with you and work part-time and do school runs. I’ll even do dishes and housework and admin, and plan holidays and book theatre tickets and babysitters! I’ll ask you about your day and be genuinely interested in your office politics and remember your birthday and buy you flowers and take you out to dinner. We can just outsource the sexy stuff. I’m increasingly convinced this is the way forward.

@Letstalk3llo

You say he 'takes' your cc. So put your cc where he can't get it. Hide it, put it in a baggie in a bag of frozen veg shoved in the back of the freezer. Same thing with your car keys, hide them. If he has a set, 'lose' yours and borrow his and don't give them back.

But that's just a bandaid. If you're the breadwinner, take your 'bread' and leave (metaphorically if not literally). He doesn't give a toss about you, you are there strictly for his convenience. He doesn't contribute to the household costs, he expects you to wfh and be the primary parent when he feels like fucking off to wherever. What exactly does he contribute to your life that you couldn't just as easily do yourself or afford to pay someone to do?

This… sure an au pair , child minder to get the 7 year old to school is cheaper than carrying an adult male around

Stop letting him get your credit card. Keep it with you. Same with your car keys..I do and always have. Nobody borrows any of my bank or credit cards. My car and house keys remain in my handbag, which is normally wherever I am and nobody is allowed to go through it at all without my express permission.

If he has taken the credit card and is refusing to give it back then just go onto your app and freeze or cancel it. Then, when you do get it back or your new one arrives you keep it and banish him from it.

Jesus.

Him running up debts previously should have been the massive red flag.

Stop giving him your credit card and hide your car keys.

Most companies should have a policy about not looking after kids while you are working, so tell him he is risking your job. Lie to him if you have to and say there has been a meeting at work warning colleagues not to do this as it has come to their attention during the school hols so far.

Things need to change.

@Letstalk3llo definitely find somewhere else to work from rather than at home. You need to leave him with the kids while you’re working, and take your CC with you.

I’ll be using the gym, David Lloyds, to work from for a week soon, to fit around school holiday plans. There must be something close by where you could set-up a laptop.

I honestly believe every working woman needs a wife.

Men have it too easy!

It sounds like you are talking about a child!

Do you realise you sound like an exasperated mom of a bratty teenager?

Jinx!!

Agree with this. He seems to be just covering his own expenses. I would not accept this, never mind letting him use my cc and card. He is behaving like an irresponsible teenager.

Literally just go to the local library and work there. He’s taking the piss big time

We are in the opposite position although we do share money. If dh is working from home when o have DS, it’s only in the last year I have started to nip to
gym and leave ds with dh (ds is 11) and that’s only if dh has no meetings booked in.
he’s disrespectful to you. Does he at least do the majority of the cleaning/mental load.

Put the credit card on your phone and destroy the plastic one. Tell him you have gotten rid of it to avoid debt.

Work from somewhere else. Anywhere else. Or simply tell him you are unavailable for childcare whilst working. Tell him it's against company policy to be caring for children whilst working and that your could lose your job (his gravy train!) How can he argue with this?

Finally, get your ducks in a row. If he's running out of fun money then he needs to work full time. Then look at divorce asap.