AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

I have three kids so I know how hard that can be, when DH is away dealing with them myself can be a real headache and tbh if I didn’t have a supportive husband I would not have had three. What is he actually contributing? Why does he not parent his kids, did he not want them? He sounds like a loser and a bum and tbh since you’re already doing all the work you may as well cut your losses.

I know divorce is bad for kids, but so is living with parents who have issues. There’s definitely resentment between the two of you and they will be picking up on it. My parents had a period when they stayed married “for the kids” and it was awful for us. I was so happy when they told us they were splitting up. Bin him off!!

Tell him you need a reset. Once you are at your desk, it has to be as if you were 20 miles away so childcare, housework, preparing meals etc are all down to him. If he wants to go out during the day, he needs to let you know well in advance so you can arrange things appropriately and it can't be more than once a week over and above his work. And keep your credit card and car keys with you.

He sounds like a child. Must be awful for you.

Hide your keys and credit card for a start.
My granny always said "what you allow will continue"
Time to find your voice OP and tell him. If you're working, you're working and he is on duty for DC.

He couldn't go out if you was working outside the house and just because you WFH doesn't mean you're available.

He has his own car, so he can use it.
He isn't to use the credit card until he's paid off what he's already spent on it and that's what his wages go on. Because like fk would I live with a man like that. Swanning off for lunch, spending on your credit card, all his money goes on 'self care' and socialising? Absolutelyfuckingnot.

Isn't it illegal to hand over your credit card to someone else to use?

Oh give over, the If This Was The Other Way Around posters really need to start being a little more selective, you're making yourselves look very silly.

OP this man is nothing but a weight around your neck, what is the point of him? Why does he think its acceptable to work part time and then leave you to look after the kids whilst youre working? Whats his excuse for that?

Would it be cheaper to hire a nanny ? Do your numbers.

Refuse to make childcare arrangements, hide car keys, cancel credit card or report lost and get a new one that you hide.

HRTFT just OP posts.

Do you feel like you need us to support you to be more assertive with your husband, @Letstalk3llo ? You absolutely can be, he is taking advantage of you and is imposing on your hard work, forethought, and consideration for others.

Given what you’ve said about your history, it’s not controlling at all to deny your husband more money than he earns. If he’s spent it on fluff, that’s on him. You are paying all the meaningful bills which allow him to live this carefree lifestyle and it’s still not enough for him.

He has his own money that he earns, and you don’t take that off him, do you? It isn’t controlling to say he cannot use YOUR credit card, it’s YOURS! Especially as he won’t return it gracefully but wants to keep it.

Ditto if he is a net petrol thief. I use my husband’s car but I put fuel in it commensurate to how far I’ve driven- I don’t leave him without.

My husband pays more into the joint account than me because he works full time, but I do more of the domestic tasks because I have more undirected time. We have a partnership. Your situation sounds more as if you have a financial vampire controlling you.

Is your relationship based on catering to his wants in other areas too, or “just” financially?

Take this permission from me and the other Mumsnetters, it’s ok for you not to subsidise him, it’s ok for him to hear ‘no’.

My exH became like this after he walked out of a job and went self employed which resulted in him doing lots hobbies and little work.

You will probably be financially better off without him or at least feel more in control without being sabotaged. Look up DARVO it’s classic gaslighting making him the victim and you the one who is out of order.

The bottom line is he’s selfish manchild and no doubt that’s making him very unattractive to you. Being selfish you can expect if you split for him to help even less and claim he needs to work to pay his bills now so you have to do 100% parenting but at least you can crack on without a deadweight and living with resentment from watching him take the piss everyday.

Financially if the relationship isn’t going to last it’s better to get rid sooner than later as he will get at least 50% and claim to be the homemaker / main parent. The courts don’t care if a spouse was lazy they will say you must have accepted the division of work by staying. He will be expecting to live off your pension. In my case that would have meant him draining a limited resource on his hobbies. His attitude was what’s mine was his and what’s his was his own.

Why on earth are you giving this freeloader house room- tell him to shape up or ship out.

JFC OP what a prince!

Why is he working part time? How have you got yourself in this situation? I would be out the door, this is crazy. If he working part time, then he should be contributing slightly more than half of all household chores, childcare and cooking, does he do that? I would just tell him that is how it has to be. If he doesn't like it, he can move out. He's lazy.

Not even slightly BU.

For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.

^

You need to put your foot down.

Sorry he is taking the piss out of you.

So financially he contributes nothing? Any money he earns is spent on himself?

Rarely do I agree with the whole MN notion of LTB but in this case scenario I don't know what you see in him.

It sounds like you are providing for everyone anyway, your kids are getting older and I am sure could be worked around in some way during holidays with a combination of friends/holiday schemes or screen time if necessary.

Put the credit card on your phone and destroy the plastic one. Tell him you have gotten rid of it to avoid debt.

Work from somewhere else. Anywhere else. Or simply tell him you are unavailable for childcare whilst working. Tell him it's against company policy to be caring for children whilst working and that your could lose your job (his gravy train!) How can he argue with this?

Finally, get your ducks in a row. If he's running out of fun money then he needs to work full time. Then look at divorce asap.

We are in the opposite position although we do share money. If dh is working from home when o have DS, it’s only in the last year I have started to nip to
gym and leave ds with dh (ds is 11) and that’s only if dh has no meetings booked in.
he’s disrespectful to you. Does he at least do the majority of the cleaning/mental load.

Literally just go to the local library and work there. He’s taking the piss big time

Agree with this. He seems to be just covering his own expenses. I would not accept this, never mind letting him use my cc and card. He is behaving like an irresponsible teenager.

Jinx!!

Do you realise you sound like an exasperated mom of a bratty teenager?

It sounds like you are talking about a child!