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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

268 replies

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:06

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

OP posts:
Ilovemyfam · 07/08/2026 10:05

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Just out of interest is he as active buying his own children birthday presents?

The answer to the request is still a firm “no”. Can you maybe cut the card but retain the credit facility using online banking. I prefer to use my CC to book things like flights so I would not want to give it up just to change the way a partner is behaving.

AmethystDeceiver · 07/08/2026 10:01

UniquePinkSwan · 07/08/2026 09:46

What does a mum contribute when they work part time and rely on her husbands money?

I've never been a SAHM and think it's bad for women in general, but come one! You know the answer to this one. Usually:
All of the housework
All of the child related chores- dentist, Drs, new shoes etc
The school runs
The play dates
The enrichment activities
The after school stuff
The cooking
The present planning and buying
The holiday planning and organizing
The emotional stuff
The bed times
Etc etc etc

Presumably if OP's useless husband was doing all of the above she wouldn't have started this thread

rainingsnoring · 07/08/2026 10:01

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

What do you see in this man @Letstalk3llo?

He sounds like an older teen, earning their own fun money, taking very little responsibility and then begging their parents for extra money at the end of the month. This behaviour might be acceptable for an 18 year old but definitely not for a father of three. He is not a partner at all and is clearly taking advantage of you. You deserve much better.

mamas12 · 07/08/2026 09:57

Are you able to find a shared hot desk somewhere to work or the library? In that way then he becomes the default child care option

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/08/2026 09:56

I hate it when men say their partner is being controlling by getting annoyed at their shit behaviour. He is being controlling by fucking off out for lunch without agreeing it with you - he is effectively making you default carer without your agreement which is actually massively controlling - 'you're looking after the kids now, whether you have any meetings / deadlines or not'

I believe people contribute to the household in different ways, but both parties should contribute the same effort / have the same leisure time. In your case it seems you are putting in loads more effort and he is acting like your teen child with a few chores rather than an equal partner

How old are your kids? How long til they can get themselves to school? Who would they want to live with if yoh split?

Ilovemyfam · 07/08/2026 09:52

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:41

Usually spends up before the month is out then takes my cc. I don’t want to be controlling, I want him to have independence so allow him to take the cc occasionally but then refuses to hand back. Usually after 5/6 requests he’ll hand it over.

By giving him the CC you are not actually giving him independence - you are allowing him to be dependent on you. I think I would

put the CC on ‘stop’ for the next few months or just hide it.

take my car keys to work.

stop working from home when the kids are off school

Sparkletastic · 07/08/2026 09:52

No to credit card.
No to using your car.
Yes to him organising childcare (and paying for it) if he is not working that day but wanting to ditch the kids.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/08/2026 09:50

UniquePinkSwan · 07/08/2026 09:46

What does a mum contribute when they work part time and rely on her husbands money?

Childcare usually. Which he doesn’t seem to be very reliable at providing.

julesover40 · 07/08/2026 09:50

Shinyandnew1 · 07/08/2026 09:46

No, get a full time job, you freeloader.

What DID you say?

This!
Does he ever pay back what he spends on your CC or does he assume its free money?
You need a very clear talk about division of labour, childcare, debt repayments and household outgoings.

misstwaoyu · 07/08/2026 09:48

UniquePinkSwan · 07/08/2026 09:46

What does a mum contribute when they work part time and rely on her husbands money?

Well presumably supervision of children, which this fella is not as has been stated.

liverpoolgal82 · 07/08/2026 09:47

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Answer - no, buy it yourself with your money. If he says he hasn’t any then you reply “ Well tell him you’ll buy it when you’re paid, no more credit card usage”. Also when working make it clear that you are not to be disturbed at all until working day is over.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/08/2026 09:46

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

No, get a full time job, you freeloader.

What DID you say?

UniquePinkSwan · 07/08/2026 09:46

PissedOffAutistic · 06/08/2026 22:09

What is he contributing to the family?!

What does a mum contribute when they work part time and rely on her husbands money?

Likeiloveyou · 07/08/2026 09:44

He thinks you are a total mug who is desperate to keep him at any cost.

Is he right?

Mumtotornadoes · 07/08/2026 09:43

He is essentially your eldest child. He's your teenager/young adult. That works enough to cover his own fun money and babysits for you sometimes. He is not your partner.

CheeseyOnionPie · 07/08/2026 09:42

Is your role WFH or is it hybrid? I’d be going into the office 5 days a week for a start.

littlebowpeepscrook · 07/08/2026 09:40

justasking111 · 07/08/2026 09:03

Isn't it illegal to hand over your credit card to someone else to use?

I thought it was as well.
Didn't we have a thread about this recently on MN ?

littlebowpeepscrook · 07/08/2026 09:38

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

😮

SweatySpider321 · 07/08/2026 09:37

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:39

Kids are 7,11, & 13.
Finances are no longer joint. Previously they were and he ran up huge debts. Now I cover all the dd’s and he uses his wages to socialise and for self care.

Don’t you mean he spends his salary re-paying the massive debts he built up?! Why are you feeding into and enabling him?! It’s madness. He’s allegedly part time to more childcare but then he fobs it off to you. I would cold Turkey him today both in terms of financially and his responsibilities. He is financially abusing you

Sharptonguedwoman · 07/08/2026 09:33

Quick short term suggestion. Get something like a Monzo card and put £20 on it. When he comes scrounging, give him that, so he'll run out of money really fast. Lock your credit card up somewhere.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 07/08/2026 09:32

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

And my answer would be "No you piss taking cunt"

misstwaoyu · 07/08/2026 09:32

My clitoris shrivelled up reading this, what a deeply unattractive, useless, pointless specimen. Run, run, run.

Sharptonguedwoman · 07/08/2026 09:31

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

What did you say??????

Sunsara · 07/08/2026 09:31

I’m struggling to see how you have lived like this. He sounds like a joke. I’d get rid of that waste of space so fast he wouldn’t know what happened. Make a todo list. Never ever give him your cc. Ever. Hide your car keys. See a lawyer.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/08/2026 09:30

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:35

Time. He earns money that covers his expenses, trips and days out with mates. Covers most of the school runs but assumes I’m available when working from home. Causes a lot of tension when I’m busy.

Just tell him "do not expect me to look after the children when I am working to provide the roof over our heads"