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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

268 replies

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:06

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

OP posts:
Tablesandchairs23 · 07/08/2026 11:20

Hes a lazy work shy cock lodger. Why are you still married to him.

Watermelongum · 07/08/2026 11:18

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Well I hope you said no and meant it. You have to start somewhere and this sounds the perfect opportunity. He's a fourth child not a husband or partner. You'd be better off in every sense, without him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2026 11:18

Fucking hell. That's just not good enough. Not by a long chalk.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 07/08/2026 11:14

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

I don't know, how many men are treated like a bank?

Can you explain what you mean by that?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/08/2026 11:14

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

Oh, cut out the whataboutery! That is not the OP's problem.

pinkyredrose · 07/08/2026 11:10

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Say no. Does he pay you back the money he spends?

anchoviesanchovies · 07/08/2026 11:08

VoltaireMittyDream · 07/08/2026 01:07

God I wish I had half the confidence and shameless audacity of the husbands of Mumsnet.

Cut him off, OP. You sound great. I’ll come live with you and work part-time and do school runs. I’ll even do dishes and housework and admin, and plan holidays and book theatre tickets and babysitters! I’ll ask you about your day and be genuinely interested in your office politics and remember your birthday and buy you flowers and take you out to dinner. We can just outsource the sexy stuff. I’m increasingly convinced this is the way forward.

This, a million times over!

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Paganpentacle · 07/08/2026 11:05

Yes.
I've been happy for my husband to either work PT or not at all... the difference is he really pulls his weight- DIY, chores, childcare ( when they were young)
Nobody needs dead weight regardless of sex.

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

Paganpentacle · 07/08/2026 11:05

YouMightLikeIt · 07/08/2026 00:39

As a woman it's not a man part-time working that bothers me at all.

It's taking the OP's car, credit card, and leaving the kids basically unattended while he pops off to socialise while mum is working. That is a massive issue.

Yes.
I've been happy for my husband to either work PT or not at all... the difference is he really pulls his weight- DIY, chores, childcare ( when they were young)
Nobody needs dead weight regardless of sex.

EtsyKetsy · 07/08/2026 11:03

this reminds me of my ex husband. When they run up one debt they always run up others. Is it still possible to get a credit check on your own address to see if there are other debts that he owes?

devildeepbluesea · 07/08/2026 11:02

Fuck me, the things I read on here. Stop being such a doormat!! He contributes the square root of fuck all to your family life. If I were you his arse would be out the door so quickly I'd not have time to kick it.

SunnyRedSnail · 07/08/2026 10:56

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

The answer is NO!!

If you let him have the card you are enabling his lack of financial ability.

Why can't he work more?

DozyCrow · 07/08/2026 10:54

Why keep giving him your card. If there's something essential he needs, and you agree to cover it, then do a quick transfer to him on your banking app. Stop giving him free access. Hide your car keys too and learn to say no if he asks to use yours.

If he's not prepared to step up, get a full time job, or properly cover childcare (if he stays PT), then time to re-evaluate the relationship. Currently he's a cocklodger and, sadly, you're enabling it.

Ovoemconserva · 07/08/2026 10:52

Is he the world's best shag? Seriously! What are you doing with him?

littlebowpeepscrook · 07/08/2026 10:45

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/08/2026 10:32

I hope you said no! He doesn't need to buy his friend's son a birthday present: I would assume he's spending the money on himself.

Also, it's the first week of the month. When does he get paid? Please tell me he hasn't run out of money at the end of the first week.

Edited

😮

Dancingintherain09 · 07/08/2026 10:40

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Tell him you've cut up card to remove the option of debr as you are working toward a debt free lifestyle .
If it stops arguments actually do that. I would never use my DH credit card and he he woukd never use mine.
He uses his military pension to pay bills his earning (he works part time) are his, my earnings pay for food, tv subs and lunches our for both of us. I also pay for the main yearly holiday.

Moonnstarz · 07/08/2026 10:37

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Well this is where you say no, if you have spent your money then you can't buy anything.

You still haven't clarified what he pays towards your household and children. If he is worried about buying his mates kids presents I would be telling him to think about his own family and contributing to that!

Ilovemyfam · 07/08/2026 10:34

Sharptonguedwoman · 07/08/2026 10:12

Just a short term step towards a cut off in the future.

Absolutely.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/08/2026 10:32

I hope you said no! He doesn't need to buy his friend's son a birthday present: I would assume he's spending the money on himself.

Also, it's the first week of the month. When does he get paid? Please tell me he hasn't run out of money at the end of the first week.

HandPulledNoodles · 07/08/2026 10:20

YANBU for feeling used.

YABU for putting up with it.

You need to be prepared to stand your ground and be comfortable with him being unhappy.

G5000 · 07/08/2026 10:17

sounds like a teenager, sees his salary as his personal pocket money and still asks you to buy stuff for his mates and text his mum.
And how much hands on childcare do kids that age need anyway, it's not like you have toddlers.

justasking111 · 07/08/2026 10:16

FlatCatYellowMat · 07/08/2026 10:09

Is he actually asking for the physical card? You need to be careful, he just needs to save it to his google account and can spend willy nilly.

You shouldn't have to manage him this way, but if you don't want to do something more drastic, then you could do it like I do with the kids (or, to my shame, my ex) and transfer what he needs to a Revolut account - basically give him pocket money, so you can easily point at it - more for you than him TBH)

When I had similar issues, I would go and work in Costa, or the library, or from my car parked on a side street! (dependent on whether I had calls etc)

Just anywhere so that I wasn't available.

Save it to a Google account. 🙈🙈. That's something that hadn't occurred to me. @Letstalk3llo you're very naive as am I.

Sharptonguedwoman · 07/08/2026 10:12

Ilovemyfam · 07/08/2026 10:11

Why give him £20? Better to tell him to go and ask his granny - that is what I had to do when I was a teenager ( she invariably gave me 50 p).

Just a short term step towards a cut off in the future.

Ilovemyfam · 07/08/2026 10:11

Sharptonguedwoman · 07/08/2026 09:33

Quick short term suggestion. Get something like a Monzo card and put £20 on it. When he comes scrounging, give him that, so he'll run out of money really fast. Lock your credit card up somewhere.

Why give him £20? Better to tell him to go and ask his granny - that is what I had to do when I was a teenager ( she invariably gave me 50 p).

FlatCatYellowMat · 07/08/2026 10:09

Is he actually asking for the physical card? You need to be careful, he just needs to save it to his google account and can spend willy nilly.

You shouldn't have to manage him this way, but if you don't want to do something more drastic, then you could do it like I do with the kids (or, to my shame, my ex) and transfer what he needs to a Revolut account - basically give him pocket money, so you can easily point at it - more for you than him TBH)

When I had similar issues, I would go and work in Costa, or the library, or from my car parked on a side street! (dependent on whether I had calls etc)

Just anywhere so that I wasn't available.

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