AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans.

Does he want to kill the goose that lays his golden eggs? Most work at home jobs want you working, not doing childcare at the same time. It's very distracting and you could lose your job that supports him and your kids.

Did you clear his huge debts?

He's a grifter taking you for a ride on your dime and you're letting him.

Why the hell does he need to buy presents for his friend's son?

If he wanted to do that, he should have budgeted for it. I hope the answer was no?

you reply No, I’ve decided never to lend my card or my car again.

Same. The older I get the more I feel like this would be the best of all worlds.

There have been so many threads like this lately and it is so depressing. The thread recently had the husband taking the car which belonged to his wife and who was paid for by her. The bar is deep into hell for men.

What do you mean by time OP? Marriage or relationships are supposed to be a partnership. If your husband isn’t working but also isn’t looking after the children then honestly what’s the point? He gets to use his money on self care and socialising whilst you pay all bills and he doesn’t actually do childcare unless made to with great resentment on his part. Honestly Op what’s the point?

His existence in your life sounds utterly pointless. Actually, it sounds draining. He uses your money and credit card, takes your car, leaves you with his car without fuel in it, only works part-time, leaves childcare to you so he can swan off to lunch with friends, and he probably does nothing around the house (although, you didn't say he doesn't). Honestly, a sofa serves a lot more purpose than your husband does. I couldn't tolerate such a drain of a man in my life. He doesn't respect you (as he selfishly takes your car when his own car runs out of fuel, leaving you with the responsibility of filling his car up - and not caring how that might affect your time and plans), and he's taking you for granted (just taking, taking, taking from you without asking, and without showing gratitude).

I cannot believe you are putting up with this. He’s a complete joke.

Someone can only continually treat you like a mug if you let them!

There's nothing independent about him using your credit card.

Please tell me your answer was no.

He is basically stealing from you.

This is ridiculous, how much does he actually earn? If he’s only covering his socialising, haircuts, clothes etc (while you pay all household expenses) then he should absolutely have enough for this kind of thing and it should fall under his personal expenses and he should learn to budget his money better. Say no to the credit card every time.

Presumably when you both agreed on the arrangement that he’d go part time and you’d take on the responsibility of working full time to cover all the household finances, it was also agreed that the trade off for him would be doing all the childcare/pick ups so that you were not having to juggle this with work as well.

Absolutely put your foot down and tell him in no uncertain terms that wfh means working and he cannot go out when you’re working and the kids are around/need picking up. If this is not agreed on then he’ll have to go back to work ft and you’ll both equally share the childcare arrangements.

What would he say if you suggested a shakeup of finances whereby you both contribute a proportional amount to bills/savings, relative to your incomes, then each got an equal amount of fun money to spend on things like lunches out, birthday gifts and fuel, and just have to make it last?

I can't see how that wouldn't be reasonable, nor how it would be controlling.

This is such a disingenuous way to put it. He isn't offering to pay ti back, is he? The real question is "can you buy my friends son a present"

@Letstalk3llo Did he buy you a birthday gift?
I am guessing not.
Unlikely he needs to buy one for his friends child.

When kids who have not learned to control their spending want access to a card people give them a pre-paid monitored one.
If you are not going to dump this leech then maybe consider that!

Questions. Why is he only working part time? Can he go full time? And when he ran up debt before - how much and did HE pay it off, or did you?

The fact he steals your credit card and car is such a red flag OP. He hasn't changed and clearly struggles to live within his means, hence relying on your money & car.

Is there a way to check if he hasn't run up any additional debt that he has hidden from you? I'd be most concerned about that.

For now, you need to get yourself out of the house so that he has to do more childcare. This also means your car isn't sat on the driveway, so he can,'t ve tempted to borrow it.

Hide your cards so he can't steal them.

Consult with a solicitor in case things don't improve.

I absolutely could see myself living out my years with a likeminded, non romantic female companion.

No. I need to buy the children food clothes and shoes. None of which you contribute to.

And you of course said no?

The push back starts here: "No"

I would stop handing over the credit card and keep your keys with you….
His wages are used for self care, his contribution is time and he ran up huge debts….?!
You’d be better off with a Nanny…
Sorry but he sounds awful, I work part time so that someone is around to do school runs, childcare,life admin, cleaning etc because my DH earns far more than me.
I don’t ask for his credit card, I use money in our joint account wisely, I use my own car, manage my own wages as well as family finances etc
Can I come and live with you instead?! It sounds like a lovely arrangement he’s got, I’ll pull my weight more then he is and still have more of a rest!

But using money he hasn't earned is not independence. You are treating him like your fourth child.

It sounds like he contributes zero to the household costs and does not make up for that in running the house and providing childcare.

No idea.
That very much depends on division of labour.

And what did you say?

NO you can’t but he’s £1 coin or ask the kids to borrow £1!!

I’m really confused as to why your husband isn’t contributing As a fully functional adult as you haven’t mentioned any illness or disability. Surely you either contribute financially (and I don’t mean just pay for your own ) or take on the home & childcare and yet he doesn’t seem to be doing much of either.

Honestly OP, he is bringing nothing to your life and I’m surprised you’ve got any respect left for him plus this is not modelling positive relationships to your DD. Time for him to shape up or ship out!