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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

268 replies

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:06

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 06/08/2026 23:18

Isn’t it him who is actually being controlling ? He’s limiting what you can do OP. He’s controlling whether you have access to your own car and credit card ffs! As others have said just stop him doing that. If he runs out of money early, that’s his problem - he’ll never learn to make it last if you give him free rein with your money. If you feel the need to give him pocket money when he’s skint (like a feckless teenager) then keep a bit of cash.

thismummydrinksgin · 06/08/2026 23:16

So you literally pay for all household bills and you feel controlling for asking for a cc back. He’s the one that’s being controlling, keeping you in a cage.

OrangeFlower14 · 06/08/2026 23:15

pikkumyy77 · 06/08/2026 23:10

I don’t understand how he has any money to spend on himself. Why isn’t he paying you back for the debt you paid off? He should be on a strict repayment plan. He clearly thinks he is some combination SAHD and kept man. “Borrowing “ your CC snd the petrol in your tank are ways he steals another invisible loan from you. He thinks you will never call him on it.

He is indeed mugging you off.

He thinks that because he is OP never told him no

OrangeFlower14 · 06/08/2026 23:15

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:39

Kids are 7,11, & 13.
Finances are no longer joint. Previously they were and he ran up huge debts. Now I cover all the dd’s and he uses his wages to socialise and for self care.

What about bills?

pikkumyy77 · 06/08/2026 23:10

I don’t understand how he has any money to spend on himself. Why isn’t he paying you back for the debt you paid off? He should be on a strict repayment plan. He clearly thinks he is some combination SAHD and kept man. “Borrowing “ your CC snd the petrol in your tank are ways he steals another invisible loan from you. He thinks you will never call him on it.

He is indeed mugging you off.

Happyjoe · 06/08/2026 23:06

Shinyandnew1 · 06/08/2026 23:04

No cafes or libraries?

To be honest, the problem here is a shit husband, not where for the OP to work.
She shouldn't have to hide in a library or cafe all day in order for her husband to do child care.

rockingaroundthe · 06/08/2026 23:05

Why havent you left this wet excuse for a man? Youre better off alone surely?

Shinyandnew1 · 06/08/2026 23:04

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:54

I don’t have a huge number of options. I’m in North of England and quite remote. My office is in London. I will have to explore possible options though.

No cafes or libraries?

Happyjoe · 06/08/2026 23:03

I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling.

It's very very much in his interests to make you feel this way because it makes you shut up. Easier said than done, stop reacting the way he wants you to react. You know he's unreasonable so dig your heels in and don't react, stand firm.

You're married to someone who's not good with money. Ok, some people are not. But you are married to a man who's not earning enough for him to live on, let alone actually contribute to the household costs which he should be.
Please stop letting him use the credit card and the car and it's time he learned how to budget.

He's also very much taking the mick when WFH.

SerendipityCat · 06/08/2026 23:00

So he's lazy, financially incontinent, prioritises his mates over his family and has come to expect you to facilitate his oh-so easy life. As is often said on Mumsnet, what does he actually bring to the relationship? How can you remain attracted to a hopeless, useless cocklodger?

indigox · 06/08/2026 22:55

You're a doormat, nevermind a bank.

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:54

Shinyandnew1 · 06/08/2026 22:39

I would not be WFH in the school holidays if he is behaving like that.

I don’t have a huge number of options. I’m in North of England and quite remote. My office is in London. I will have to explore possible options though.

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 06/08/2026 22:50

Thought I'd heard it all until this post.
You are the opposite to controlling, you're far too lax.
Go and work in a cafe, the library or office
Keep your car keys in your handbag / locked away so he has to use his own car
No more using your credit card. If he needs more money then he has to work more hours. If this doesn't suit your family then he has to budget.

littlebowpeepscrook · 06/08/2026 22:49

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:39

Kids are 7,11, & 13.
Finances are no longer joint. Previously they were and he ran up huge debts. Now I cover all the dd’s and he uses his wages to socialise and for self care.

So basically you have another child in the house ?

Who needs that ?!

TBH I think you'd be better off as a single mum.

onlygeese · 06/08/2026 22:45

What on earth is the point of him? Why are you tolerating this? I would invest in some therapy to try and work out why you are making these choices.

Nearly50omg · 06/08/2026 22:43

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:41

Usually spends up before the month is out then takes my cc. I don’t want to be controlling, I want him to have independence so allow him to take the cc occasionally but then refuses to hand back. Usually after 5/6 requests he’ll hand it over.

He’s also financially abusive! He’s behaving like a child and you are letting him!!!

99bottlesofkombucha · 06/08/2026 22:42

I’d add I’m not lending you my credit card again. No car, no credit card, I don’t need to have to worry about those while I’m juggling working and parenting. I should warn you this marriage is deteriorating fast, I can’t keep going with the lack of support you put into it.

Nearly50omg · 06/08/2026 22:42

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:41

Usually spends up before the month is out then takes my cc. I don’t want to be controlling, I want him to have independence so allow him to take the cc occasionally but then refuses to hand back. Usually after 5/6 requests he’ll hand it over.

OMG!!!😳😳😳🤬🤬🤬 I’d have cancelled the card the first time he refused to give it back!

99bottlesofkombucha · 06/08/2026 22:41

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:35

Time. He earns money that covers his expenses, trips and days out with mates. Covers most of the school runs but assumes I’m available when working from home. Causes a lot of tension when I’m busy.

When you say time do you mean school runs? That’s not much time!!
him saying you’re controlling doesn’t make you controlling. You need to think about what you want. If he were very respectful of your job and time would you happily lend your card and car?
Frankly for the car I’d say no there’s never any petrol left in yours and I have to go get some instead of getting to my plans. For the lunches I’d consider if you could work out of home more, and talk to him to say it is not controlling if me to want to do my job in my working hours. Our marriage is deteriorating because I constantly find myself trying to both parent and work because you’re off socialising. It is not controlling of me to be annoyed about this. If you're not actually present for the kids then I’ll need you to up your working hours.

Nearly50omg · 06/08/2026 22:41

Divorce is the only thing to deal with this!!! What a cocklodger!!!!

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:41

Usually spends up before the month is out then takes my cc. I don’t want to be controlling, I want him to have independence so allow him to take the cc occasionally but then refuses to hand back. Usually after 5/6 requests he’ll hand it over.

OP posts:
Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:39

Kids are 7,11, & 13.
Finances are no longer joint. Previously they were and he ran up huge debts. Now I cover all the dd’s and he uses his wages to socialise and for self care.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 06/08/2026 22:39

I would not be WFH in the school holidays if he is behaving like that.

BitterTits · 06/08/2026 22:37

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:35

Time. He earns money that covers his expenses, trips and days out with mates. Covers most of the school runs but assumes I’m available when working from home. Causes a lot of tension when I’m busy.

So he covers some of his own expenses. What about the family's? Why is he only working part time? (And yes, I would ask that if he was a woman).

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:35

PissedOffAutistic · 06/08/2026 22:09

What is he contributing to the family?!

Time. He earns money that covers his expenses, trips and days out with mates. Covers most of the school runs but assumes I’m available when working from home. Causes a lot of tension when I’m busy.

OP posts: