I am not 100% what I am asking. I think I am more looking for a sanity check
DD (just 16) has been with her boyfriend (BF also 16) for about 18 months. Initially it seemed like a positive first relationship. They weren’t in each other pockets but saw each other about once a week/fortnight and messaged most days. I’m not sure how to describe it other than an age appropriate and sweet relationship.
About DD, she has ASD and ADHD. As such she is a bit of a mass of contradictions. She does more activities than I can name (tennis, horse riding, Scouts, sailing, rock climbing, piano and more) at the same time she simply could not cope with school. It was causing her anxiety to the extent that she was self harming, the professionals say she can either learn or socialise but not both at the same time, plus the size and noise in school is overwhelming for her. As a result she is home schooled. She is a lovely kind, thoughtful and generous person. She has a lovely group of friends which have come from a selection of her activities. Honestly, I am so proud of her, she isn’t perfect (no teen is) but she is a good person.
Recently I think there have been some red flags in the relationship with BF. They have been doing GCSEs this year. She has to study hard for her good grades, he is more naturally academic He kept making comments to her about how easy he found it and how he can’t believe she had to study so hard, for example they both do triple science, after the physics exam he said he had completed it within 45 minutes and was bored for the rest of the exam and he couldn’t believe she needed extra time for such a simple paper (she gets 25% extra time in all exams). He told her that being home schooled is bad for her, she shouldn’t carry on for A levels and talked her down when she tried to explain why she struggles. As a result she wanted to look at 6th forms (not an issue at all from our point view) she found one she liked and really suited her personality (not too academic, values her extra curricular and a great arts programme). When she told him he changed tack immediately and questioned why she would be looking at other 6th forms when she needs to go to the same one as him so they can spend all their time together. His 6th form is a huge 6th form collage and really wouldn’t suit her, she didn’t even want to go to the open day after looking at the website. I have more examples but my final one is I have seen text messages from him to her where she says she is busy/can’t meet up when he suggests and he replies with “WTF” or similar and either plays the sympathy card or if she is spending time with family tells her that we are ‘controlling her” or “isolating her”. Last time I had said she needed to complete a task before going out and she explained this to him and that it would take about 30-45 minutes, he was swearing and then telling her to just walk out of the house, to lie to us and that his parents would let her stay with them. Part of me wants to dismiss the parent comment as a teen talking big, but I had slightly odd messages from his mum when DD didn’t reply to his texts for 24 hours because she is trying to have a “screen free summer” (not completely free but she wants to reduce her usage). BF later told DD that both he and his mum found my response “passive aggressive”, I have since checked that message with my mum and DH and neither think it was at all passive aggressive.
Sorry this is so long, I’m trying not to drip feed. So…am I over reacting? I don’t want to be PFB but equally if she needs protecting I want to support her in understanding how damaging this is. My gut is saying there is something wrong and I think she sees it too because she has told me what he is saying and she is questioning his approach.She is my eldest and I am protective of her because when she left school she was really struggling with her mental health (terrible self harming in a child I naïvely believed was too young to hurt themselves). It has taken years for her to develop the strength and self confidence to be the amazing person she is.