Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

Honestly, you could do better . Even without the immature note.

A really cynical part of me wonders if he wanted you to find it . Why didn't he chuck it away? And why is it ripped out?

Tbh, I don’t think it’s that bad. He obviously wrote it without meaning it to be seen and if he was wondering whether to break up, it could’ve just been a list of reasons why he would be better off out of it. Don’t most of us weigh up decisions in a similar way? Though it will be brutal, it wasn’t meant for your eyes! So compiling a list of someone’s faults as they see it is very different from discussing it where you have to be mindful of people’s feelings. I would tell him you’ve found it and ask him if he still feels the same? Maybe you had negative thoughts about him when you were assessing the relationship when it was a bit shit. Talk to him-none of this stupid pass ag shit like leaving it lying around or making a list of your own.

I could never get past this.
even if he apologies for it -you’ll know that deep down that’s what he really feels.
it would be the end for me

This is a hard one. You've received some good advice from the people suggesting you need to bring it up with him and discuss it. I think this is right, it won't be possible to continue if you keep this to yourself. However, I can see how this could colour things permanently, so no matter what happens next you need to check in with yourself about how you honestly feel. Don't continue in a relationship where you don't feel genuinely valued or respected.

Christ, I’m glad people have never read my journal. Talk to him op, none of this batshit writing your own lists. If your relationship now is as good as you think, he will have an adult conversation with you about it and then you can decide.
And for what it’s worth, when I met my now DH, I didn’t fancy him, at all. Far from it, I thought he was a complete bellend and I bet if I go back to my journals from that time (decades ago) it says that somewhere.
Talk to him then decide.

Dump him. Otherwise you’ll always wonder

I can write you a list of cons my partner has. Im sure he could write similar about me.

His pros list would be longer and his cons dont mean I dont want to be wjth him.

This was written at a time when he was deciding whether or not to break up with you.So of course, he considered the matters. That doesn't mean it wasn't devastating to read, though.In it depends whether or not you can get past it

Don't take all the bat shit crazy suggestions of revenge on here, though, seriously, don't indulge these people in their need to use you for some entertainment for themselves.

They want you to do that for their own amusement to come back and tell them you've done it and the reaction just so they can have a laugh. But this is actually your real life. You're dealing with

You’re clearly a very thoughtful person and while you are a bit hurt, you’re also taking accountability. I think that reflects very well on you. I think that having him not know that you know isn’t tenable unless you can firmly put this out of your mind. So I would be tempted to tell him or send him a version of your very eloquent OP and have a conversation.

This I think op.

But, that said, I would say you have seen beneath the mask.

Sounds like you've been a placeholder. And still are until someone he really is attracted is interested in him.

Personally I couldn't get past discovering my partner wasn't attracted to me and said I had fried hair, bad posture etc. That cuts to the quick. I think I'd be ending it.

Maybe I'm in an odd position to be giving advice or my opinion, but having just discovered that my now ex was looking up his ex wife pretty much every night and highly specific wife related porn and the funny comments he made about MY hair, my behaviours, etc etc quite early on and more recently, he was pretty much telling me he was not attracted to me. I had it out with him early on and was fairly reassured after the chat, but he simply hid his behaviours better.

What I'm trying to say is people lie, hide their true feelings to get what they want, especially men, many can't handle being single. You're young, get out now. He's told you how he feels on that piece of paper. You really need to believe him.

I agree with this up to a point - ie; that we could all write a pros and cons list - but would yours have things like "Don't fancy him" or "not sure I'm proud of him"?

Appreciate a lot of people disagree with me here, but I actually don’t think he has done anything wrong. He never intended for you to read it. I write stuff down when my thoughts are jumbled, it helps. They may well have been thoughts going through his head at that time and he was trying to figure them out. I think I might have written in my journal when I first got together with DP that I wasn’t sure I fancied him (I fancy him like mad now) I was also recently off the back of a divorce and wasn’t trusting my own judgement and negative feelings a huge amount.

I personally wouldn’t focus on what this says about him as a person, but rather can you get past it? It’s unfortunate you read it, but you have. The seed of doubt over his attraction to you has been planted. Every time you argue you will wonder if he regrets being with you. If you put on weight you will worry he will lose attraction.

Only you know if you can move past this, but it might be better to go find someone that thinks you are amazing from the get go. It would save the fear of doubt resurfacing

I would leave him on the basis of:
Not sure I'm proud of her - unforgivable
Don't fancy her - without this a relationship will inevitably end up in the friendzone.
And honestly even as someone who journals a lot, I think writing these lists is a dick move.

He sounds like the type of man who will be with any woman rather than be single. That’s why the gap between the relationship with you and the one before was so short. Thats’s also why he’s decided to settle for you despite not finding you attractive.

Sorry OP. I know it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to read and I can see you’re trying to make excuses for him in your mind but that’s the reality. I would get out now and find someone worthy of you. Otherwise this will erode your self esteem permanently and he’ll either vanish once he finds someone he likes more or he’ll end up cheating on you.

They're not surface level things OP.

My partner thinks I'm bad with money and he doesn't like that. We all have those kinds of faults.

But fundamentally not fancying you, not being proud of you (assuming he either means proud of your achievements or proud to have you as his girlfriend) and not thinking you have much depth are signs to say he's not really into you. I think the only excuse would be if he was very mentally unwell at the time but even then it's hard to overcome.

In my view you're wasting your youth (and fertility if you want children) on this man.

Find someone where you make their heart sing.

You can't just carry on as normal so it doesn't matter what we think. You could try, but it will taint your life and your feelings so don't try to do that.

That leaves you with 2 choices. Leave without discussing it or bring it up and see what happens. If you choose the latter you can expect him to be upset you read it (though nobody wouldn't read it!!) and after that he needs to explain the context of this list and tell you honestly how he feels right now if your relationship has any chance of working.

Learning how to have these conversations can only be good for the relationship if you can do it successfully but the key thing is you HAVE TO FEEL OK AFTERWARDS no misgivings. And no telling yourself you feel ok when you don't. That's crucial. If you don't feel ok, it has to end.

This is good advice. As you say you’re beyond the butterflies and rainbows approach to romance. If you are looking for a serious, committed, adult relationship then you need to talk to him and tell him you found the note.

If this relationship is going to last you need to be able to have tough, honest conversations. Constantly trying work out what each thinks without actually asking them is futile.

I have to agree with you BlackRowan unfortunately @Devondigspigs I'm peri-menopausal currently so my sex drive has fallen off a cliff which no doubt frustrates my OH but he knows why, I haven't just suddenly gone off him because that would be a killer, I've been on the other side of that previously too

The reason why I'm oversharing is because knowing your DP thought that back then would always be on my mind & that in turn would make me not want to have sex with him, I just think it's all too much but realistically only you know how you fee

the fancying thing wouldn't get in my head that much, but not being proud of you would irk me. Not proud because you had been made redundant or because he didn't find you attractive and wasn't proud to have you as his partner. Particularly if written in a time he was hung up on his ex.

I would be telling him what I found and hear him out, but honestly reading that list would destroy my attraction to him pretty quick

I feel like we had this thread before - can't remember the details or how it ended but maybe someone with a better memory than mine can find/link for you.

Anyway, if he's a diary keeper, he's probably got one on the go at the moment too. Try and find it next time you're at his place...

This was written at a time when he was thinking of breaking up with her and they did break up so undoubtedly his mind was tuned towards the negative.

Also this...

Id write his name next to yours on the paper and write cunt underneath