Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

I think you're being very level headed about this OP so perhaps this is something you can discuss and get over.

Personally I know I wouldn't be level headed, I would ruminate constantly about it and it would eat away at me so I'd leave. You are right in the sense that it was a private list and that perhaps you'd have had maybe an equally scathing list at that time but even so, I couldn't get over it.

But why are you asking us and not him?

• Of course it could have been but it could also not have been.
• No. People do develop attraction. But that doesn’t mean he did.

Leave and don't look back. You're trying to justify the unjustifiable and give him the benefit of the doubt.

There is no doubt.

You say "moment of inner turmoil", I say "man who doesn't respect or care for you"

And you did nothing wrong reading the list, it wasn't a diary, it was a bloody list.

What should you do? Get rid of this pathetic excuse for a man.

If I saw a list that said he didn’t fancy me and I had no depth that would be enough for me to end it. Leaving him the list to look at would just be my goodbye letter.

In my opinion, you either fancy someone or you don't. Yes it can grow over a few dates at the very start but it's either there or not in the majority of cases and willing it to appear won't work. So (and I'm truly not saying this to be unkind) I'd expect he still feels that way. The question is, are you happy to accept that?

Don’t play any silly ‘revenge’ games as some have alluded to; all that does is satisfy ego and makes you look childish. I’d tell him you found it, then tell him you no longer want to be with him. He’s sitting with you, his eyes on the door for the ‘right’ one to come in. Sorry this has happened to you.

This is sensible if your relationship really does seem great now.

Life’s too short to spend it with a man who potentially feels this way about you, I’d be done.

As someone who’s written things in diaries since I remember being able to write, I’d be able to look past that.

But I would never be able to look past a significant other implying I lack depth or I’m somehow less intelligent than him. Sack that.

I don’t think a man can romantically fancy someone who they don’t fancy (they will still shag you don’t get me wrong). The way the list of faults is written is too cold as well

i would be concerned that you are just a convenient placeholder until someone better comes along, who they really fancy

the foundation is too shaky
you will be staying at your peril

Well, if he dosen't really fancy you, presumably he won't mind if you never have sex with him again.

Me too. That's awful.

So clinical. Also - That's a lot of fundamentals.

Ditch him and leave the note out with one of your own.

It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you.

Tbh he sounds like one of those men who struggles to be single. So any woman is better than no woman. You are the woman he is settling for but the minute he gets a better option he will be gone.

Personally I want to be a man’s want, not his need. I would not wait for him to do better and would leave.

You can mull this over all you like, but as the saying goes, "he's just not into you". No amount of rationalisation will change that. Find someone who lights up when you walk in the room. He's out there.

Honestly, those points don't seem overly relevant to your larger issues.

He started your relationship by lying to you. He still wasn't over his previous girlfriend. The relationship was 'tumultuous'. You broke up due to his behaviour, but he immediately came crawling back, without taking any time to learn and grow. Now you find out he wrote a weird, hyper-specific, hyper-critical list about you that included such gems as criticising your posture.

I would suggest ending things and finding a man you can be certain of, who you have an easy relationship with, and who is unquestionably into you.

The only way to know is to have it out with him. You'll know from that I think. If he isn't mortified at having hurt you so badly and desperate to keep the relationship, run.

And don't be apologetic! There isn't a human alive who would have tried to put that genie back in the bottle once you'd seen what it was. He should have made it impossible to find.

Seems great and is great aren’t necessarily the same things though. Has OP been kidding herself it’s great (a lot of us have been there). It didn’t even get off to a good start. Bad relationships can have good moments which is why it can be hard to accept.

I don't think there's anything wrong with writing things found- I often do, it helps me think, and then I don't have to keep thinking about it because it's out of my head. But I would also expect there to be a pros list. He probably should have disposed of it better, but life happens.

But you need to talk to him. I guess if everything is currently great, you want to be with him if possible- I mean, if you'd already been thinking of leaving, this woukd make it easier. But you need to think hard about whether you can get past this. Even if he says, "I was pissed off, I don't think that way now" - it's going to be in your head, and if you can't get past it, it's going to be there whenever you have a disagreement, and it risks poisoning things, so it might be better to quit while you're ahead.

On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth

This is grounds to dump him OP. It sounds like he leapt from one relationship to the next because - you were nice to him, you were willing and he needed sex with someone vaguely the same age.

A man who thinks he's the catch in the relationship, especially physically, is not going to be a good partner. Even the men who think their female partners are out of their league can treat them poorly, so if he thinks he's the catch, you can almost guarantee that. You are the 'acceptable for now' woman, not the woman he really wants to be with. That'll make him a big liability for cheating.

so somebody who keeps notes on what he doesnt fancy about your appearance, also thinks you have no depth? Pot calling kettle black comes to mind.

The relationship sounds like hard work emotionally with little reward. Have it out with him but I'd hint at his cons in conversation here and there beforehand. Not sure about my weight, I'd like to lose a size, what do you think etc. See how honest he is at that point - without honesty there's really no point and he's just coasting.

Run for away OP before there is children involved. I remember finding writing from my ex husband many before years before children - not about me - but about shouting and demeaning a female colleague who had called him out in work. The writing was aggressive and violent in places and I remember being so shocked that is essentially thought this can’t be true or real. I asked him about it and he said I shouldn’t have been reading his notes. I was young and didn’t realise the danger I was putting myself in. Men who write about women in this way are dangerous as they don’t see us as equal and worthy.