Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

Definitely. It would make it worse for me, but a Pp said it was evidence of misogyny. My point overall in his defence was that it might have been written after she said it was over and that he isn’t necessarily misogynistic. But I agree, it wouldn’t feel good to find that he thought that, whatever it meant and I don’t think I could get past it, honestly.

I don’t think the reference to him not being sure he’s proud of you necessarily relates to your appearance.

I'm not sure this paints him in a better light. If anything, him not being proud of OP as a person is even worse!

In his defence: it’s possible he wrote the note when you had told him it was over and he was trying to see it as a good thing for him. I don’t think it’s misogynistic to not fancy someone, and I don’t think the reference to him not being sure he’s proud of you necessarily relates to your appearance. It is possible he didn’t have sex with you after writing this list.

In defence of posters here: you are not asking people in real life, and people here will be blunt in a way they wouldn’t in real life. You must have known that when you posted. It is one of the benefits of asking, in fact - that people will be honest with no skin in the game.

All that said, I would struggle to believe that he had not had sex with you after his feelings of attraction (or lack of) were already clear to him and I would find it difficult to remain in a relationship with someone who could have faked it without me being aware. You can draw your own line where you choose, but I wouldn’t be able to stay as it would be always be at the back of my mind, undermining my confidence.

I'll add that if she should choose to discuss this, it should be in a public place.
I think she should just be as boring as possible and fade him out but that's my take.
I wouldn't trust a man who could write that an inch.

Hyper criticality (her hair ffs.) is often a precursor for abuse.

Kudos to the poster waa-ay back in this thread for pointing this out.

He's capable of lying. He lies about the timeline of his last relationship ending.
I've been lied to by autistic men.

In any case, why should anybody who is in a relationship put up with these 'outbursts'.
It's different if It's the unconditional love of family.

I’d agree with this as being in line with my own personal experience of family members with autism in terms of the inability to lie. But autism is not a one-size-fits-all thing, and can’t be generalised so easily, especially when considering that this person could have other ND traits. My son is AuDHD and presents with several contradictions to what much of society consider the norm for neurodivergence. For example, he is not at all blunt, is very self aware in terms of not hurting people’s feelings, feels injustice keenly, and would never insult someone like this. I don’t think guesswork about how OP’s partner might behave in terms of his autism is necessarily fair in this scenario.

Not sure if covered before but we have an autistic member of the family and the one thing they’re unable to do is lie. It’s funny and also irritating when someone says a white lie to be nice etc and they correct them. So if he’s been loving for the last year I would take that at face value and believe him. Also, autistic people see things in a very black and white way. Their straightforward thoughts can come across as very very hurtful to someone else. That list was written when he was overwrought. Possibly burnout/meltdown. It’s terrible for them. I’m just trying to show it potentially from his side. Best wishes.

@Devondigspigs OP assuming you are planning on talking to him about it when you're ready, I think his reaction will show you how he really feels about you now and help you decide what to do next.

if he's dismissive and defensive and annoyed you discovered the list, that would be very telling.

If someone I loved found a list of cons that I'd written in the heat of a breakup or an argument or something and it didn't reflect my true feelings, I would be horrified and doing whatever I could to reassure them it wasn't true, explain why I did it, the context, the circumstances...

I think you'll only know what to do after you talk to him.

Put it like this… I wasn’t the least bit surprised to learn they live an hour away from each other.

It’s really difficult - opening Pandora’s box, are you going to be able to move past it, or is it going to keep coming back to you and create a nagging doubt?

You don’t live together or in the same city and it’s still early days and still a “honeymoon period”. What about when you go through a difficult patch?

Even though you think you know how he will respond, having the conversation you may know better after how you feel.

It would be easier to move on now than later when further invested, but if you can really put it behind you completely, then may be worth (perhaps tentatively) continuing. I don’t think I could move past it, but I’m not you.

I agree.
This isn't just about the list.
It's about him as a whole person. Part of that is his autism.

Autistic men seem to be OK if you're not asking them to be around all the time.
I think they're happy in these non-cohabiting type scenarios.
I also think they're happier sometimes in situations where they don't feel much emotionally for someone.

Let's face it, they're happier in their own little world with their obsessive interests with the woman in their life popping by once in a while.
They need a lot of space to process things and be alone.

I've much personal experience of this.

This doesn't even to be something the OP has considered.

How can this not be considered? It is a major thing!
34 is fair too young to be looking at relationships with a cold eye, (unless you're a golddigger) she very much is in the rainbows phase.

It's not till you get to middle age that you're weighing up the pros and cons and more cynical.

@Devondigspigs you’re in your mid thirties. You are with a man in a relationship that started off very badly, who writes a deeply unpleasant and personal list about your human failings, who you don’t feel comfortable with talking about your discovery with and now more than a week later still turning it over and over in your mind. Oh and you allude to him being a tight arse.

Do you ever honestly see him wanting to move in together? Marry? Kids? Do you want these things? Because if you do… then just draw a line through this. Someone like this wants to live alone, game (I bet he’s a gamer?) and see his on off girlfriend who lives an hour away once a week at most. And he will have no intention of changing that I suspect.

How do you know the list is about you?

I think how they (men) are when they get dumped or do the breaking it off reveals their true colours.

If they're breaking it off, and you've not done anything wrong other than they're bored, are they kind about it or do they attack your character?

If you break it off with them, are they understandably upset but not raging about your decision, like they're taking it on the chin and wishing you well?

Obviously I'm referring to dating here.

One set of behaviours is that of a well-adjusted decent man, the other a potentially abusive manchild.

It says in her post he lives an hour away.

Sorry I’m late to this thread, just been reading your post and it really made me feel sad for you. I had an ex who used to bang on about his partner before me, and compare my weight and clothes size to hers, as well as comparing our character etc, (even though I’m not any bigger clothing size apparently than this lady), and I remember at first I told him I wasn’t bothered etc about what he was saying, then it was mentioned again one day that his ex was a perfect 10; and it really started to eat away at my confidence. This continued as well as other things during the relationship that really should have been my sign to end it, but I lost my dad an couple of months after and think I couldn’t have taken anymore change at the time. This nastiness only began when my dad had passed away too.
Please think long and hard about whether you can continue to look at this man in the same way after knowing what you now know. You deserve so much more than someone who thinks these things of you, let alone writing them down! I’m sorry you feel like this OP, especially when you said things have been great since he asked for another chance x

I don't think there's anything wrong with him writing down what he was feeling, at the end of the day he did it in a journal which he didn't expect to be read! But, I would now have to tell him I'd seen it because it would absolutely drive me out of my mind to think he still feels that way. Saying nothing, you're risking worry and insecurity about how he feels which will ultimately impact how you feel. He might be upset that his inner thoughts have been seen but if it did happen exactly as you say, he'll hopefully eventually understand that there's not a soul in the world that wouldn't have read it if they were in that situation.

He has an expectation to privacy and be able to write down his inner thoughts and not have them read.
HOWEVER
The things he wrote down are not small issues. They are fundamental mismatches with physical attraction, finances and intelligence. Have these things really changed so drastically?

I'd ask him. But I'd not sure I'd be able to trust him again.

Well no of course I wouldn't feel great but that doesn't mean that they're wrong.

I'm being totally honest with you here.
You might not like the tone but honestly I think he's ghastly and if you were somebody I really cared about I'd be hoping you got shot of him.
Truly I would.
I would be also offering support as to grey rocking, slow fading as this man does not like being rejected.
What he's done is the very opposite of taking it on the chin.
There's nothing remotely normal about this.
Nothing.
This isn't somebody journal line to sort out his feelings, this is a list of hate.
I genuinely think that those who are normalising this are wrong.

I've this image of him sitting there with a nasty look on his face writing this.
It's just not something mature decent men do.
It really is not.

Ask yourself this, if your relationship is so good why didn't you say something when you found it?
Like hey Mike what's this?

Nobody's self-esteem is 100%. It's not the dig you perceive it to be. We're all good at some things and not others.

You can't forget what you've seen. You're now going to be concerned about your hair, posture. And that's down to him.

If anybody is lowering your self-esteem right now, it's him and his vindictive scribblings.

Not some forthright but honest random on the Internet.

I don't at all think it shows he is unkind, he kept his thoughts to himself thought about it alone, I'd most definitely mention it to himand want to discuss it of course, you'll feel so much better when you do I honestly believe that, we all have thoughts and feelings especially about a partner during a bad patch, talk to him, don't take the advice of some and be immature and vindictive about it, I wish u every happiness.

This is made up. Read this post before nearly the same

Totally agree, it’s a wonderful gift to see this list and protect your future