I have been friends with this person for the past 10 years but 6 years ago she moved to a different city 3 hours away. We dont see each other much anymore, but used to speak on an almost daily basis via text or call.
My friend has always had mental health issues, and it has been a problem for me in the past where she would constantly call me during times of distress but I wouldn’t know how to help her being so far away. It would impact my time with my husband as she would call in the middle of our time together and then I’d be on the phone with her for 3 hours trying to calm her down and talk her out of harming herself. Sometimes after these calls she would then ignore me for weeks and I’d be left worrying about her. It got too much and I had to tell her I can’t help her in these situations and she needs to call a professional who can help. She did start doing that and has been hospitalised a few times. Because of her mental state, I can’t say we have a great friendship anymore because all we do really is talk about problems, we don’t do anything fun or speak about nice things etc. I haven’t known how to handle it because I still love her as a friend and a person, it’s not her fault she struggles with her mental health so much and I want to be there for her.
However, recently I just feel fed up with it. Her mum became ill and has been in and out of hospital which has meant my friend won’t talk to me for months at a time. This is completely fine, she’s dealing with things in her own way, she doesn’t need to talk to me. I send her a text every now and again just to check in and make sure she’s ok but she often doesn’t reply for a long time. Eventually she will say “sorry for the delayed response” and then not speak to me again for weeks or months. Again, this is fine because I just accepted she is going through a hard time, I’m getting ok with my life and when she’s up to talking or meeting she will let me know. However, her birthday was in July and I forgot to text her. I had text her 2 weeks before her birthday but she hadn’t responded so I was just busy with my own life, and I also went through a health scare recently and was having lots of tests done as I have been feeling very unwell (I now have a diagnosed heart defect). Once I remembered I text her to ask how her birthday was and she said “I was meaning to ask you why I didn’t hear from you on my birthday. I take it you forgot?” I said yes and apologised and explained what’s been going on and I haven’t had a reply from her. It’s annoyed because I understand it’s shitty of me to forget her birthday but I also wonder why she was even expecting it when we have barely spoken for months and she ignores all of my messages? I get it would have been nice to receive a happy birthday from me when she’s feeling low and I am sorry for that and I apologised. But she chose not to respond to my apology and now I just feel like I’ve had enough. Please let me know if I am unreasonable here? I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to abandon her and feel like I’m being selfish but at the same time, it’s exhausting and not even much of a friendship anyway!