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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my husband to find more stable hours?

9 replies

Waheymum · 05/08/2026 22:13

DH works long, unsociable hours mostly on agency or short-term contacts. I'm struggling with looking after a baby and a toddler and actually being able to look after myself- I'm eating dinner later and later after getting the toddler fed/bathed/into bed/asleep, and I'm breastfeeding the baby on demand.
I've found myself googling other jobs my DH could do with his qualifications and experience (degree without honours, I think, and then five-plus years in the same type of job, never sticking to one workplace for more than a year, often working agency or short-term contacts.
He wants to buy a house and is ploughing in more and more hours of work without permanent contracts. I can never keep track of where he's working/what hours and I feel like I'm going mad because I'm sure most wives know where their husband works and what hours.
I need someone to tell him that A) he needs a stable job even if the hourly rate works out less than on agency, and B) he needs a 9-5 (or similar hours) rather than random days and times. I don't know how to tell him without seeming controlling, when actually I'm exhausted and desperate for something that feels like stability. I'm just exhausted.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Waheymum · 07/08/2026 14:58

Morepositivemum · 06/08/2026 06:33

I have a friend who works like this and it’s all money related and she’s driving herself into the ground but at the same time doing amazingly financially. She said she’d never get the money she gets now if she was on a permanent contract and ‘normal’ hours (and yes she has kids but difference is some is wfh.

Honestly I think men are wired differently to us and his thoughts are probably‘must get house’ and he hasn’t thought about how hard it is on you but saying that I don’t know what the answer is because i don’t think anyone would like someone telling them here’s the job you need to do instead and here’s the course you need to do to get it!!

I think it's exactly this! All he's thinking (we've spoken about it) is 'must get house in a better area because my DW freaks out each time there are crack-heads around' (literally injecting drugs outside my front door last autumn/winter).
The thing is he's in a specific career where he needs to work up to getting a well enough paid job with nice hours. I'm planning to change careers once the kids are older. I've gently suggested DH completes his degree (incomplete final year from when he was a student a decade or so ago) which would enable him to do better paid work with office hours, but he's not interested. My degree alone is a high grade but in a competitive field with irregular hours so I'm planning a career change/postgraduate study in something with a career (teaching? Social work?) at the end of it once the kids are old enough.

OP posts:
Morepositivemum · 06/08/2026 06:33

I have a friend who works like this and it’s all money related and she’s driving herself into the ground but at the same time doing amazingly financially. She said she’d never get the money she gets now if she was on a permanent contract and ‘normal’ hours (and yes she has kids but difference is some is wfh.

Honestly I think men are wired differently to us and his thoughts are probably‘must get house’ and he hasn’t thought about how hard it is on you but saying that I don’t know what the answer is because i don’t think anyone would like someone telling them here’s the job you need to do instead and here’s the course you need to do to get it!!

Pippa12 · 06/08/2026 06:25

Could you manage comfortably with a career change? Is he working so much to save for a house or to make ends meet.

Me and my husband use a joint calendar on our phones so we know where we are up to with shifts.

Throwntothewolves · 05/08/2026 23:58

He needs a job with a predictable pattern that you can both plan around, it dossnt have to be 9-5, just something that means you know when he'll be there to help. He also needs a permanent contract to have a hope of getting a mortgage.
When you're not on maternity leave, what do you do for work, and are your hours regular?

NotAnotherScarf · 05/08/2026 23:00

Ok several questions to ask yourself

Why is he doing this type of work... can he not get a better paid, better hours job

If he was doing this when you got together, why have a kid...why have two

He wants to buy a house, but what are your longer term goals how will it be sustainable if he's out of work for a while

The kids are a handful now. But in 5 years where will he be work wise and where will you.

Minasama · 05/08/2026 22:22

Having a baby and toddler is really hard. How old is the baby - can you stop bf on demand and either get them into a bf routine or even better in terms of your energy a formula routine?
Then when you feel a bit stronger perhaps you and hubs can have a proper conversation about incomings, budget and financial aims/how you will get there. Clearly if you don’t work he may be feeling the pressure but it’s all part of a bigger whole as you rightly point out.

rubyslippers · 05/08/2026 22:18

And for mortgages, short term contracts and agency work aren’t ideal even if he’s saving for a chunky deposit
do you usually work outside the home?

rubyslippers · 05/08/2026 22:17

Why has he got in this pattern?
Yanbu but you need to identify why this has happened and how he can look at changing it

flightless55 · 05/08/2026 22:15

What has been his answer when you’ve sat down and had a serious conversation about this and how you feel and how it’s impacting you - plus if you want to mortgage he’s going to need stable job for the best deals

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