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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no because he hasn’t got his priorities straight?

43 replies

97sunflower · 05/08/2026 18:14

I’m dealing with my child’s dad who took me to family court for contact after walking away when I was pregnant then being absent.

He’s now got contact, it’s one day a week only. Most of the time it’s parents or family members of his having my child… he’s pretty useless in short.

Now he’s advised that he’s going on holiday for 2 weeks and won’t be available for his days… he’s asked to make up the days elsewhere.

AIBU to say no?

I have now got to sort childcare for those days, so that I can work.

I know this sounds bitter but I don’t get to just decide not to have my child when I should and go off on holiday. It’s one day a week he does, a single day! He could quite easily plan a holiday around this but had chosen not to.

So would I be unreasonable to say, that our child is available on the usual days, and that it’s his choice not to take up the contact?

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 05/08/2026 21:59

97sunflower · 05/08/2026 20:59

I want to stick to the court order because I know if I agree he will start doing this or the time or expect it, swapping days etc and being unreliable. I don’t want that for my child.

My child will be most affected by missing 2 weeks of consistent contact with their father, which is going to happen regardless because he has made his choice re holiday. 2 extra days tacked on somewhere else don’t make up for that gap.

It’s good to get opinions from different views before I decide how to respond, so thank you.

I appreciate it might seem petty, but there is a lot of backstory.

Your CAO will probably have the usual clause of ‘and any other reasonable….’ de dah, de dah, so suggestions to keep to the letter of it aren’t helpful. You won’t want to be dragged into Court again for Enforcement.

My suggestions;
Use a coparenting app so all communications are recorded
Be as reasonable as possible but if he springs not being able to have your child at short notice suggest (not demand) he contributes to childcare due to the lack of notice
If you want to go away and miss time when he should be having your child give him plenty of notice and offer to make up time
Always be the reasonable person
Try to refer to the child as ‘our’ child, not ‘my’ child (I know it sticks in your throat…)

If you let him upset you, you will be the only one who is upset, although your child will pick up on the vibes. If he only wants to see the child to have a hold over you the more reasonable you are and not being upset the more likely he is to fade into the background.

It’s bloody difficult but if you can try to be the bigger person at all times you will either bring him into a more reasonable relationship, or your child will see him for what he is. Sorry, but this will be a long haul.

Mumofoneandone · 05/08/2026 22:34

Just stick with the line, it's in the court order. No emotions, just the facts!

HandPulledNoodles · 05/08/2026 22:47

Agree

"We have a court order that you pushed for. DC will be available on the agreed day. No more no less. If you can't make it. You don't get to make up days elsewhere. You don't get time in lieu for parenting you twat"

Original poster
97sunflower · 06/08/2026 08:25

That’s the thing, he wanted the court order, apparently wanted contact with “our” child. And most of his days he’s not even with them. And then books a long holiday without a second thought for his parenting commitments… that HE asked for!

I can’t ask his family members to have “our” child, they don’t like me anymore and support him.

OP posts:
Original poster
97sunflower · 06/08/2026 08:27

If I wanted to book a holiday that interfered with his “parenting” days, I would be asking and checking with him first if it is okay… cause I understand with the court order I have to make “our” child available and can’t just do what I want. But he can just do what he wants and then expect flexibility after.

Contact is through solicitors, and OFW. His solicitor has worded it like it’s a given his missed days have to be made up, but reading the court order that’s not the case.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 06/08/2026 08:43

His solicitor is paid to make his client look good or look deprived by your actions.

He isn’t there to say “my client wants this and is paying me to tell you so but actually the judge says that”. That’s for you to figure out.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 06/08/2026 08:49

Tell him tough. One day a week. I would also be raising the issue of his family looking after your child(ren) with the authorities.

Naunet · 06/08/2026 09:04

Cooshawn · 05/08/2026 20:05

You said he had to take you to court, which suggests it wasn't a quick process.

I'm sorry that he mistreated you, but your child has a right to have a relationship with her father and it's your duty as her mother to facilitate it.

Your child won't be damaged by having a different routine for a few weeks but will be damaged by your approach.

Show quote history

You cheeky sod! It is HIS job to facilitate his own relationship with his child. Women do not exist to be men's social secretaries.

I wouldn't be offering him any extra days OP, his choices have consequences and it seems to be of no benefit to your child.

Aiming4Optimistic · 06/08/2026 09:46

I wouldn't offer him the extra days either. And I don't believe that children benefit from contact with abusive men - I honestly don't know what courts are thinking of when they allow absent fathers to swan into a child's life after 3 years of absence and when abuse of the mother has been proven!

OP, since he is now claiming his 'rights', I hope you've put in a CSA claim so he can address some of his responsibilities too!

MageKing · 06/08/2026 09:56

I would tell him.hebhas to.pay for the childcare you will now need and then say you will be open to him "making up" the days, if convenient..id suggest he give tou a few options and you select.

Original poster
97sunflower · 06/08/2026 13:48

Aiming4Optimistic · 06/08/2026 09:46

I wouldn't offer him the extra days either. And I don't believe that children benefit from contact with abusive men - I honestly don't know what courts are thinking of when they allow absent fathers to swan into a child's life after 3 years of absence and when abuse of the mother has been proven!

OP, since he is now claiming his 'rights', I hope you've put in a CSA claim so he can address some of his responsibilities too!

I did, which has resulted him in going “self employed” and pays next to nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
97sunflower · 06/08/2026 13:49

MageKing · 06/08/2026 09:56

I would tell him.hebhas to.pay for the childcare you will now need and then say you will be open to him "making up" the days, if convenient..id suggest he give tou a few options and you select.

He 1000% won’t pay for childcare. Even asking would start a war.

OP posts:
MageKing · 06/08/2026 13:53

Of course he won't. But that's my point. You offer a "reasonable" alternative, then when he refuses, you can just say a blanket no.

Original poster
97sunflower · 06/08/2026 13:54

I agree I am not his secretary, our child isn’t pick up and put down when suits. I certainly can’t do that- if I wanted to go on holiday (I don’t without my child tbh) I would have to make childcare arrangements, if I need to go out without them I have to make arrangements. I don’t just say “soz” I won’t be available… I can’t because my child would be alone and I’d be in a whole load of trouble. I’d never ever do that!

I get that I am the resident parent so it’s different responsibilities, but he’s obviously gone to court to get this time… I didn’t ask for it, my child didn’t ask for it, he did!

And he can’t even plan his life around being a parent for 1 day a week, after he apparently so desperately wanted to be one. I’d say at least 50% of the time he should be having them, it’s other family that does it. That’s probably why my back is up so much about this.

OP posts:
SillySeal · 06/08/2026 13:54

I would go off the court order but that depends how its worded and if it says anything about holidays.

So if it says once a week - 52 times per year, it would need making up. If it doesnt specify the number of times a year or has anything added about holidays that mean legally you dont have to, I wouldn't bother in your situation. Id feel different if he was really making the effort but if he palms them off on his one day then no.

Aiming4Optimistic · 06/08/2026 14:11

What a scumbag - going self employed to dodge child support. It gets moaned at on here but I'm definitely in the 'no pay, no see' camp. People shouldn't be allowed to cherry pick the parts of parenting they want!

When your child grows up, they will see that 'dad' contributed nothing of value to their life or upbringing and that's really sad.

Moonnstarz · 06/08/2026 14:14

Stick to the court order, however does it not mention holidays? What will happen if you want to go away and that means missing his day? If you know he is difficult then this should also have been outlined in the court order.

WorstPaceScenario · 06/08/2026 14:24

97sunflower · 05/08/2026 18:14

I’m dealing with my child’s dad who took me to family court for contact after walking away when I was pregnant then being absent.

He’s now got contact, it’s one day a week only. Most of the time it’s parents or family members of his having my child… he’s pretty useless in short.

Now he’s advised that he’s going on holiday for 2 weeks and won’t be available for his days… he’s asked to make up the days elsewhere.

AIBU to say no?

I have now got to sort childcare for those days, so that I can work.

I know this sounds bitter but I don’t get to just decide not to have my child when I should and go off on holiday. It’s one day a week he does, a single day! He could quite easily plan a holiday around this but had chosen not to.

So would I be unreasonable to say, that our child is available on the usual days, and that it’s his choice not to take up the contact?

My first question to him would be what childcare he is arranging for the days when he should be caring for your child and is opting not to

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