AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

Hi op I don’t think you can expect him to pay towards your dc as adults but I can’t see why he doesn’t pay towards the bills yes you are living with him but his house doesn’t have a mortgage so this is irrelevant it’s not your house but your paying all the running costs bit unfair. but if you moved out you would pay your bills and he would have to pay his own. I don’t think I could live with someone using me like this.

OP, bear in mind that your property will be subject to CGT because it was not your primary residence. So your DC’s potential inheritance gets hit more than his.

They split food.

You mean it’s the husband on here?

No, OP should then pay rent for her and her children if dc live in his home.

We don’t know that’s it’s more economic to run 1 household than 2? We do.

But her sums are still less than his sums.

Rage bait or reverse. Surely.

How many times does it have to be said that if they were living in her house, he would not be covering all her bills. He’s far too canny for that.

^^THIS - OP - READ THIS.

Thank you @PrettyPickle - you unravelled it for me.

We don’t know that it isn’t as we haven’t been given all the facts. He may be spending £700 a month on their food.

I don’t understand why with a salary and rental income you can’t help your daughter out with her wedding? Why can’t you save?

Lavish weddings are no indicator of marital success or being a more enjoyable day than a more moderate one. Treat each as their own special day, don’t negatively compare either and help your own dd in whatever way you can. Personally I’d take more pride that it was I, their mother, who provided for their special day.

Whereas the OP wants him to fund her adult children 😂

I don’t think that the arrangement is inherently unfair. Seems like you both benefit from the arrangement (to varying degrees).

However, there is a big contrast between his generosity to his daughter and his generosity towards you.

Do you spend the same on his daughter as you spend on your own?

Because op can only rent out her house because she has moved in with her dh. They both own a property outright but only op can earn rent as they live in the dhs. OP has a house + rent + wage. DH has a house + a wage. The rent, the extra money that can only exist because they live together is used to pay their bills. This leaves both parties better off than if they lived separately. I don’t understand why this is so hard to understand. At no point has op suggested she is upset that all the assets and money don’t go into the pot to be split 50/50 and she doesn’t want that - she wants her house to go to her DCs eventually and not her dh. You personally might not consider this a partnership or a marriage or fair becuse they don’t have exactly the same amount of disposable income. But we’re talking about 1000s on wedding dresses here, not op putting nappies on a maxed out credit card whilst dh goes on another golfing holiday.

Of course it’s more economic to run 1 household rather than 2.

But the benefit of that and costs should be shared equitably.

Why are you conveniently ignoring the fact that they are both living in his house? And that it is only because of this living arrangement that OP’s house can earn her the money used for the bills?

2 properties, owned by 2 people: both live in one property and the rent from the other one pays the bills. Sounds fair to me!

She is not paying rent or mortgage. Who pays for food?

He’s a cocklodger! A leach! What kind of man makes his wife pay ALL the bills?!!

That would be ridiculous as she’d lose much more than she gained.

she’d be paying for a commute or running a vehicle. Loss of rental income and actually be paying all the bills.

How odd, he only met Op's dc as adults and they are not related to him.

How much do you pay in bills? Are your dc also living rent free in his home?

This is utter madness. @Alnoo surely you and /or your dc father support your dc when needed? And why is it needed, they are gown ups? Your dd sounds like a gold digger.

He’s right in that it’s not his responsibility to provide for your daughter. You kept separate finances and one of the most sensible reasons for doing this would be to protect what can be given to adult children.

This highlights one of the difficulties with marriage for me. I’m of the school of thought that everything should be shared in marriage- as that’s how it’s viewed in the law.

if couples take a really strict view of what’s mine and yours, it kind of makes me think what’s the point in getting married then?

however, I have also lived as a step family and earned more than my partner. And in some ways you’re taking from your own children for the benefit of theirs, which doesn’t feel right at all.

so the upshot is I don’t know. It would be nice if your DH felt kindly towards your daughter and wanted to help with her wedding. Presumably both daughters will be going to each other’s weddings? That could make uncomfortable comparisons.

it’s great they’re both getting married though, and money isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

I wonder if it’s because you feel uncomfortable that he’s not helping your daughter, and that could make others think he doesn’t value you that much. That’s what would hurt me.

I feel there should be some obligation on a married partner to show some consideration to their spouse’s children.