Married Mumenetters - Does love come and go in waves?

It doesn't sound like a phase or that he's fallen out of love... it sounds like he's utterly depressed. You both need to let the antidepressants take time to work. It could take a few different variations for him to actually feel somewhat less depressed again.

I agree that he sounds depressed which can make it difficult to show affection. Hopefully the ADs plus a manageable debt repayment plan will help. I wouldn't despair for your marriage yet.

Neither love nor the absence of it are dependent upon having a marriage certificate 🤷

Who accrued the debt? I ask because if you accrued it with no good reason, its reasonable that he might feel genuinely resentful.

I think depression is different for everyone. Last year DH was showing signs of stress, depression but it took until this year for him to recognise it and get support. He has been like a different person.

I'm not being cruel to you, but I think bow is the time to ask "how can I help you?" Not "why can't you...[give me more affection]"

The support they want isn't always obvious. Maybe supporting him means giving him space or not making his stress your worry. Like if he's irritable at home, focus on doing something nice for yourself without him. Read in another room, start a new series, take a bath
Basically give him space and don't expect company as it may be more than he can give right now.

Doesn't sound like falling out of love, just sounds like one of those tough phases of marriage that we all go through. Support him through this and when he's more back to himself, make a point to rekindle things properly. Look after yourself too, it's not easy when someone is ill and struggling.

It has peaks and troughs as life does. I always say marriage is simply a case of finding someone you can tolerate for years, even when they’re being an absolute wanker.

I wouldn’t say that love comes and goes but passion, affection etc does. I went through a period of being extremely depressed and I loved my husband deeply but found it so difficult to show it in any way, or do anything really. The best thing my husband ever did was listen to what I want, knowing that giving me solutions wasn’t that helpful to me and just making life as easy as possible. He’s had similar times in his life where I’ve had to be the one who takes over a bit, but we always come back together.

Love is pretty constant. You don't go in and out of it.

What you are describing relates more to the fluctuating personal emotions experienced by us all when we are reacting to different situations in our life.

These include fear, sadness, hopelessness, anger, grief as well as joy, happiness, contentment, etc. These are not fixed and so you will experience them all throughout the duration of your marriage.

Our love has never gone away, but we have had some difficult times when we have both found each other extremely annoying and difficult to like.

However I have been married before and my love for him definitely died. He was a self-centred incompetent arse.

In your case I think I would try to hang on in there... It sounds like your DH is having a really difficult time. He has done the right thing by trying medication... It will take a little while to work.

The debt thing is a problem, it was the main reason why my previous marriage broke down - my XH thought it was OK to take out a (secret) credit card so he could go out drinking - he was either unemployed or earning very little while I was working two jobs to try and keep a roof over our heads. Hopefully that is not the case for you.

In my experience it's normal to have seasons in your marriage where you feel either more or less connected to one another, usually due to situational factors, stresses etc. I often thought my husband had fallen out of love with me, and even questioned if I still loved him. But now in our 10th year of marriage - and us both having got a lot better at communicating along the way - I recognise it as normal. I think a balance of accepting it isn't always going to be great, while also looking for little ways to connect and relax together is key.

OP you're obviously putting a lot into this marriage while he doesn't cope well with stress and runs up debts. I don't think he wants to leave the marriage but you are entitled to want to be happy too. I don't think I would want to stay with someone who had got our family into debt and had the bailiffs turning up. Just don't let him drag you down with him.

I think this is the BEST answer

He is depressed so give him a break

Disagree. Committed love for the long term .. even if that means sharing your wealth and assets is entirely dependent on a marriage certificate. Someone who wants the world to know you are a couple. Is very different from just being someone’s partner where extracating yourself is as simple as walking out the door. God doesn’t need to play a part - or the patriarchy, since civil partnerships. Sorry - but cohabitation is ‘less than’ .. as one or the other party doesn’t want legal commitment.

Love is emotion, not paperwork ☺️

I love this!

I would focus more on supporting him while the ADs settle than worrying about whether he loves you right now. You've got several reasons why he would be feeling less affectionate.

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and even during our worst fights I've never not loved him. Lack of affection due to the impact of external circumstances does not equal lack of love.