my bf wants me and the children to move in with him

I’ve not seen your previous threads I don’t think . Really just posting to say do not give up that Council Flat . It’s far too soon . If he is decent he will wait .

Sweetheart, with 5 kids, different fathers, you need stability and security

DO NOT GIVE UP A SECURE COUNCIL FLAT

Kids dont need their own rooms, they need to know they have a home to come home to. They need to know the adult in their life is always going to be there - AND THATS YOU

You are their constant , and you need to be

Please dont risk your children's security for a man

Im not a man hater by any means, but as a child from divorced parents, I became homeless and once I got picked up by a HA , I kept hold of that security - my only constant. Even when I met my now husband, it was a year before he was allowed over the doorstep, and then he moved in with me - my name on the rent book . Five years on when I trusted that he wasnt a fly by night/ cock lodger and all the other terms used on here, we bought a house together - joint owners - even though he was coughing up more then me, we were joint owners

Took me 13 years to marry the man, because he had children and an ex wife, and I wanted to make sure I came first

Your children need you to feed, clothe , house and nurture them. Dont put it at risk for a man

Of course he wants a house, that you'll help him pay for until he's had enough. Then what?

I know the flat is small but you might get somewhere bigger eventually. You have to have a secure home no matter how small.

Don't do it.

Do t do it. Put you and the kids first - he can be a great dad from a distance - there is no rush - give it a year or 2 before you even think about moving in with him and get yourself domestically contraception as you don’t need another baby clouding the issue by the sounds of it.

Do not give your council flat. Your partner sounds flaky and unreliable. You've said yourself you aren't sure. So don't give up your home.

I can look into the future
You move in with him and all the kids
You keep your flat on
After a few months, maybe Christmas 🎄 he will have a headache from all the noisy kids and go to your flat for 'a bit of peace' leaving you in the rental house. Over time will become the norm, then he will say 'Well we may as well swap because you need the space and you have the kids'
Then, he will want to split up with you
The next thing you know, you have lost your flat to him and you will be stuck in a rental
This is certain. This happened to a friend and she can't get him to swap back. It's such a mess

Keep your council tenancy, even if you are overcrowded, because it means you have secure housing. It is far too soon to be considering moving in with this man and a private rental might not accept your family of 7 people in a 3 bedroom house.

I would not do it. I would stay with him at weekends. You have no reason to live with him you have a home. You and your children need security. The tenancy is his if you split you will be back to starting over. Personally I would not go backwards by returning to an ex. Obviously you have a baby I can’ see why you want it to work. I would be very wary as to why he wants you there. Many men seem to think women are useful to live with, for meals, cleaning etc be careful op.

What man would want to move a woman with 4 kids, that aren't his, into a rental property that he pays for? It's a cock lodger in reverse! Bizarre.

I agree with other PP that you should not take the risk of losing your council flat just to move into a bigger privately rented property with your bf. There is too much uncertainty in that. I'd be concentrating on getting your son settled in school and pushing the council to get you into more suitable accommodation. Let the bf move if he wants to and visit him, but definitely do not give up what you've currently got, unless you're going to be happy being homeless again (and the council may even consider that you have voluntarily made yourself homeless should things not work out with the bf).

Keep your flat as it is YOUR security for your family. He is probably only a passing relationship. It would be different if you were getting married and you were both homeowners without a mortgage. Nothing else is better than what you already have which is a secure tenancy for as long as you want/need.

This. God almighty, give your poor children some stability and enough with the endless parade of deadbeat dads. Including the current beau amongst the deadbeats. They deserve better. You deserve better and you are more than enough.

Well said. This is the advice @tiredbuttryin5 .

Yep... and at least you are already on the waiting list for a larger place. You will lose that place on the waiting list for the larger accomodation too if you give up your council flat for a private rent.

Ring Shelter and ask them for advice on how to present your case to the council and the waiting list because it does sound small for the size of your family now, especially with a new baby.

Don't put yourself at the mercy of a BF who has already let you down in the past, no matter how well he's currently behaving. He'd like to share the bills in the new place, but you have security in a council flat now and an eventual prospect of a larger place. Hang onto it, for your DCs sakes.

You sound very vulnerable OP.

Apart from your boyfriend, do you have any other adults in your life that support you and give you advice?

Don't give up the house yet. Its too quick and you sound a little uncertain still, so giving up secure, affordable accommodation would be very risky. If it is right, and he is a good person for you, he will wait. You can still date and spend time together across two homes. Then in a couple of years, if everything is still going well, you can reassess. But its far too soon to give up your flat, even for a bigger home. What would you do if you separated again?

Frankly my dear…if he seems to be caring, inviting all of you to join him, not just you and his child, then I reckon there must be an ulterior motive lurking.

You sound as though you are going to do this extremely reckless thing despite any advice to the contrary, and in the same breath you talk of your 11-year old’s struggles, which are increasing. Any day it’ll be puberty tanglefoot too.
Your own emotional weather is not a good idea as a backdrop when it’s controlled by an unpredictable, never reliable man.

A drama-free home life, in the familiar flat, would be more benefit to the children than you think, whereas an upheaval and a pretty predictably tearful and woeful mum within a short time, might scar your kids more than you think, equally.
You cant help those low feelings when they strike, naturally, but you can certainly avoid them in the first place.

Honestly, I think you would be very wrong, and not merely misguided, to hitch your wagon yet again to this proven bad lot of a man, and this time sacrificing a secure family home as you do it.
Put your family unit first, and he is not a 24/7 member of that at all. Much better quality partners exist, they truly do.
You needn’t react to him any time he crooks a finger any more; secure your maintenance and have the ins and outs formalised, and sail on with your chin up (and your Anti-Git™️ breastplate strapped on!)

Buy a recent Ideal Home/ Homes and Gardens-type magazine perhaps, and have a good wallow gathering ideas about room makeovers, or just hit Ikea for new lampshades and a lovely big rug etc: show your trusty flat some love.
Maybe ask the kids what theyd like if they had ££ to spend, and see what can be done on your budget. (My mum was always doing this; even just a vast poster of Mick Jagger in my room made it feel all new!)

Are you autistic OP? You say one of your children is and it tends to run in families, you also seem quite vulnerable and say you have a history of making poor decisions.

It's really important that you don't give up the security of your council flat to move in with someone who you have only had a positive relationship with for a very, very short time. That would be a very poor decision for both you and your children.

The best thing to do now OP would be to stop having relationships with men and focus on your children, 5 or 6 children including a baby and at least one with SEN are going to need a lot of time and support.

Oh dear.

You only got back with your babys dad a couple of months ago and you broke up during the pregancy because he "didnt care" ,surely you can see that a matter of weeks isnt suffiecient to know wether he has changed and can be trusted?
As others have aid your childrens security in the roof over their heads has to take priority ,do not trust that to a man who has been unreliable in the past and has only been on the scene again for a matter of weeks.

oh ffs

I'd wait for at least another year of good behaviour and commitment prior to moving in together.

My question would be: what's your back up plan if things don't work out? If this man turns out to be not so great after all, or changes, what then? It sounds like you have been let down by the fathers of your children in the past. I would really focus on being the best mum you can and giving them stability.

It sounds like you have been locked in a cycle of a victim/abuser/hero triangle.

Let go of the idea that a man is going to move you all into a more perfect home, rescue you from your current situation and provide the fairytale ending. Be the hero of your own story.