Parents demands

Funny I’ve been visiting family, and my nan is the exact same with my mum! She won’t make comments like it to anyone but her own children. We were all sat down and she said to my mum “You don’t need that slice of cake you’re to fat!” My mums a size ten!
so yes I agree with your DD if my parents do the same they are going straight to the old folks home. Maybe should consider the same for your DPs.

OP this is all quite small compared to the big stuff that can come from having parents that need actual care. If all I had to deal with was my mum moaning and a few hospital appointments I would be able to handle that. I get it can still be stressful but I think you need to step back and think about how much of this is actually impacting your life at the moment.

My mum has dementia and between me and siblings we are having to visit daily to give her medication, make sure she is fed, accept that she is different to the mum we all knew l, make sure she isn't wondering about the streets, find stuff she hides and downstairs remember, take to hospital appointments, do all of her shopping etc.

@Hayley1256

its not a race to the bottom. If you read the post it’s not just a case of a few hospital appointments and moaning

the ops husband is also unwell but his mother expects him to take her to all appointments so the ops no doubt worried about the impact on her husbands health

she doesn’t mention siblings the implication is both mother and mil expect both op and her husband to be at their beck and call so whilst you can share amongst siblings she cant

I'm not saying it is, I'm just highlighting that this isn't really demanding and in the grand scheme of things OP needs to think about how much it's impacting her life and how she'll cope in future if actual care demands are needed.

Unfortunately this is just the tip of the iceberg with aging parents!
Yes they all moan, feel entitled to remove their filter and spout nonsense constantly and take over your life with their bloody endless needs!

Feat not OP, you are in a massive, invisible club of other adult children all being subjected to the same purgatory!

You have to learn to say no. And that will be hard. If mil has an alternative route to appointments next time she books one then tell her you simply can’t do it and arrange the alternative transport for her. You don’t have to use it all the time but your husband has to consider his own health. Another option would be to tell ask to ask the sibling. Or for dh to speak to his sibling and say he can’t do it all and sibling needs to start stepping up. Even if they only do one in three that’s better than none

your parent is a bit more difficult it when mu mum used to make the odd nasty comment I just called it out. We don’t say that now, please don’t be so rude etc. maybe calling it out with the threat you won’t take her again ( and carry that threat through) might make her focus a bit.

You and your husband are grown adults. Say no.

Firstly, just learn to say no.

Secondly, never ever tell another living soul when you have a day off work 😀

Put your foot down and stop doing it. You can’t change your DH but you can change your self. Stop putting up with your mums shit. End of problem.

But it's really demanding for them and is massively impacting their life.

And my point is that to the op it is difficult now and just because YOU wouldn’t find it difficult doesn’t mean the op should also not find it difficult

like anything in life people react and feel things differently to each other and the op is worried about her husbands health as well as the fact that everything falls to them. For some people the relentlessness of a parent who has no filter or a parent who constantly demands help to the detriment of someone else’s health is concerning and can be overwhelming and to be told really it’s not much doesn’t help

you have siblings to share between. This is all on the op who, again, is also worried about her husbands health

As to the future there are other options than providing care yourself, carers are an absolute life saver in my opinion,(certainly they were for my late mother when the impact of caring for her became to much for me and my siblings) there maybe the opportunity for a care home (again was much better for us and my mother) but for now you don’t get that option for hospital appointments etc that can take over the ops life

So how about recognising the op has issues and coming up with some suggestions to help her now?

As hard as it will be, I think you and your husband need to be putting yourselves first sometimes and learn how to say no, it doesn’t work for you.

There is a sibling in OP's situation, they just haven't been asked. I have given a suggestion of OP thinking about impact and future which she needs to do before it gets worse.

Parents moaning is frustrating but I wouldn't call it demanding!

They need the diet of less information..
No need they know dh's work schedule .
Book mil a taxi for appointments...she can pay.

Just stop being such a martyr!!!
DH: Sorry mum I can’t take you to your appointment next week. Do you want me to book you a taxi? Oh and while I remember my shifts have changed but I haven’t got my new rota yet.

You need to stop. I get that you are overwhelmed with your responsibilities we’ve been there too, it is not easy but this is not your thread.

@Summerlovingtheraspberries it is really difficult and it is energy sapping. I was so lucky I adored my MIL and was able to knock some fun out of her right until the end but her deep decline made her own children’s lives so so difficult for many years.

We definitely didn’t silently put up with jibes and would push back on any but we did allow the moaning which was non stop because it was extremely difficult for her.

Then we also had boundaries around what we could manage, not all expectations were met, just focus on actual needs not necessarily wants too.

It is difficult but it is likely a marathon not a sprint and you need to manage where your energy goes and not just respond to the guilt of the situation.

My BIL was the main ‘go-to’ for appointments for my IL’s. He was literally run ragged as he lived closest to them. We helped where we could and would use annual leave on occasions to transport them. I remember turning up to collect them to find out they had given us the wrong date for the appointment on a couple of occasions.

In the end BIL retired and didn’t tell his parents for several months.

You and your husband need to set some boundaries with your parents. For instance, why does your mother-in-law know your husband's work schedule? Stop sharing that information with her! I think it's unreasonable and inconsiderate of people who don't or can't drive to expect those who do to chauffeur them to all of their appointments. It's time consuming and exhausting. And dull. It's okay to say you can't when it's not convenient for whatever reason. People need to find better ways of getting to their appointments without making it their loved one's constant responsibility.

Regarding your own mum's moaning, I'd just be honest with her and tell her that she seems to be negative about everything and that it really affects the mood of those around her. Ask her if she can try to look at things more positively and hold back on criticism, unsolicited opinions etc. If she can't or won't, I'd honestly just stop inviting her to come along to things.

This might sound harsh, and it's not meant to be but you and your DH are enabling their behaviour. You need to drop the rope, learn to say no and protect your time together when you have a day off.

You don't have to sit and listen to your mother's unpleasant views, you can say 'Mum, that's awful, I'm going to go home now because I don't want to listen to this'.

You don't have to provide transport to hospital appointments when there are alternatives. MIL can book a taxi, use hospital transport or ask her other adult child.

I know it's difficult, especially being an only child but if you don't enforce these boundaries, nothing will change. You may feel guilty at first but I think guilt is better than resentment to be honest.