AIBU to question ADHD being used to avoid household chores?

ADHD doesn’t prevent taking part in chores, but they might require additional support and structure.

My grandson has significant difficulties with ADHD,to the point of not being able to access mainstream education. When he is under my charge (which is frequently, sometimes up to 10 nights at time when travelling together), he absolutely needs to do chores and pull his weight. He is 8 years old. I mean, I wouldn’t leave him to wash breakables and stack dishes on his own, that would be asking for trouble. But tidying up his toys, putting dirty laundry away appropriately laying the table, helping with cooking, various camping jobs, are within his sphere of capability. Much is just how things are done at my house. E.g. most toys are played with on the table, not the floor, a mat for messy stuff, and all electronic devices and toys are cleared away for meals.

OP, I am an older ADHD adult (diagnosed 18 years ago, not self-identifying as an excuse as a PP suggests), and I was a 'lazy' teenager who did next to nothing around the house. I'm not sure the two are entirely connected though.

As a teen I was oblivious to mess, and in many ways I still am. My single-parent DM couldn't understand why I'd see a pile of dishes and not think to wash them. But the truth is the pile of dishes wouldn't even register with me, and even if it did, it wouldn't occur to me that I should wash them. If something was pointed out to me and she asked me to do it, then I would (unwillingly, because teenager). But it never occurred to me on my own. And if I'd made the mess I had to clear it up. I did find it hard to stay focussed on the job though, I needed frequent breaks which only led to arguments about being lazy, trying to get out of the job, etc. It was a running joke in the family that whenever I was asked to do a chore, I suddenly needed the toilet. They thought I was in there for ages to avoid the job - truth is I was trying to psyche myself up to do it, not always successfully.

As an adult I knew I'd have to do my own housework, so I do now see the mess and I despair, but I can only do things in small doses, so I address it a tiny bit at a time, although that means that it builds up faster than I can deal with it. I accept that I live in a tip, but I still keep trying.

So for your DN, I'm guessing that the unwillingness is typical teenager, but the anxiety may be because the task might seem daunting, as any task that doesn't engage the ADHD brain does. Perhaps breaking things down into small chunks might help, but they will have to be encouraged by their DM, and reminded that ADHD is not a physical problem. Deadlines with consequences are also helpful, because panic triggers the dopamine needed to initiate the task.

Don't despair if no solution is found though - like most teens they'll pull themselves together when they leave home, and they'll find their own way to cope.

*Edited for typo

Task initiation, planning, and goal directed persistence can all be affected by adhd. So you can already see that household chores are harder for those with adhd. But that doesn't mean you simply expect them to get on with it, or that you don't expect them to do anything. You provide structure and scaffolding to enable them to contribute to family life. Ds has adhd. If he wants me to drop him off somewhere at a certain time, he has to have completed something - whether that's a household chore, homework or something else. He won't notice what needs doing (to be honest though, few teenagers would), but I might give him tasks to do, one at a time, at a mutually agreed time.

He's more than capable of frying an egg and putting some toast on. He'll pick up the hoover when asked (or we don't cover the monthly cost of his phone). He'll hang washing out, empty the dishwasher. And he's expected to tidy up after himself, so if he leaves dirty dishes, rather than tidying them up for him, I call him downstairs to do so - so he learns it's easier to just do it immediately than have me interrupt his phone calls/ gaming to come and do it anyway.

I have to say that all of this comes much more naturally to my 9yo dd, who has autism, but 15yo ds is getting there - with consistency, persistence, natural consequences, structure and immediate rewards.

Why are we putting DH aside? If he’s not pulling his weight then the dc probably think it’s ok for them not to. If they were boys would you feel the same?

Why are you ‘putting her DH to one side’ in this? You’ve said he doesn’t work and your sister does, full time. He should be teaching, training, supporting his children in how to function in the real world. If I came home from work and my teenagers had made a mess and my non-working DH hadn’t dealt with it, I’d be reading them all the riot act, and I’d sure as hell wouldn’t be getting up early to do housework!

And for those of us that have done all that and have children with adhd that presents very differently or children that have other comorbidities?

Wish I could have used my ADHD to get out of housework for the last 21 years, but then the house would have been a tip and social services would have stepped in.

As it stands, there are periods when I have experienced low mood and overwhelm and keeping on top of stuff was hard - things were shoved in cupboards rather than sorted, binned, washed etc. Housework was kept at a minimum: hoovered when people were visiting/before DH came home; dusted when I could run my hand across the table and it come up grey. Even now, I tend to blitz the laundry by doing the 2-3 weeks worth for all 4 members of the family and then leave it in a pile for days, weeks even, until I have a single day ironing session. The laundry is usually triggered by no-one having any socks or pants (ie now urgent), the laundry is the same (no-one has any clean clothes to wear and the laundry baskets are filling up again, so urgent again).

At my worst we did have one - and then two - rooms which were wall to wall boxes of junk that needed sorting, binning and taking to the tip (after renovations/extensions) and I did just ignore them for nearly 2 years, but the rest of the house was maintained. But eventually I enlisted DH to take a few days off, order a skip and we blitzed that too… though i think the trigger was in part the knowledge that we would have people coming to sat and needed the ‘junk’ rooms to revert to the bedrooms they were intended to be. By that stage I had been overwhelmed by the enormity of them, become increasingly anxious and depressed about it when ‘chunking’ [doing a few boxes a day] did not work.

So I understand that managing housework and chores as an ND person is HARD, but no it is not a get out of ever doing it card. What has helped: DS having a DF. Strangely he cleans up his space and en suite for her. And also getting a cleaner. Miraculously having an eternal person enter your space once a week seems to prompt them to pick up their shit and bring down their laundry in a way that me begging, yelling or pass-agg-ing just could not achieve.

And as they got older and life gets more overwhelming and complicated you’ll find that ADHD is far harder to manage and strategies you’ve tried no longer do. Also can we do away with this unless they’re tidy and mummy helps them 24/7 kids with adhd won’t survive. Some of us are adults and didn’t have parents continuously modelling and scaffolding , we’ve survived. Life is an awful lot harder and ADHD impacts so many areas of life sometimes in awful ways but you don’t stop surviving because your house can be messy. Putting NT expectations on to people with ADHD just leads to overwhelm and impacts MH. It’s ok to be untidy, as you get older you balance what works for you( managing to work with an untidy house maybe). More focus needs to be on what they are managing well ie managing exams with adhd. People with adhd need far longer to recover from stress and exams will have been an awful lot harder for them in the first place .

Op has mentioned adhd and doesn't mention comorbidities, so I have to take that at face value or they'd have specified. Therefore, I'm not responding on the basis that other conditions might be present.

Of course some children will present differently, or have adhd alongside learning difficulties. My point remains - adhd is not necessarily a barrier to doing household chores.

ADHD varies massively in severity and presentation although the bar is high for diagnosis Some people are driven to self harm and suicidal idealisation, others aren’t.You absolutely can’t say arbitrarily that it isn’t a barrier to household chores. Procrastination, untidiness, overwhelm with chores are all part of the NHS psychotherapy we’ve done. ADHD being a barrier to chores is hugely common!

I know. I said it isn't necessarily a barrier to being able to do them, not that it's absolutely no barrier. Which in our case (dh and ds both have adhd) is true. Op asks for people to explain how ADHD can impact on ability to help around the house. I have both acknowledged how it can and does, as well as contribute my own experience to the discussion. I don't say that our experience is universal, but apologies if it came across that way.

ADHD isn’t an excuse for not doing it, it is however a reason for finding it difficult and struggling with it. Some days/weeks the easiest of tasks would take me hours to accomplish and it’s my house and I’m not a teenager.

We do not give family all the details on our DD’s mental health. She has ASD, ARFID and PTSD. I have absolutely glossed over a criticism from family with a quick nod to managing stress levels. The details are for her, her therapist, and to a reasonable extent me to know.

Keep your opinions to yourself.

You don't need to have ADHD to be a lazy teenager and not want to do household chores. They'll get over it (the laziness, not the ADHD) when it matters to them and mum isn't around to be magic household chore fairy.

Thats not true, and it’s not relevent anyway, these kids have a diagnosis which is not easy to get.

ADHD can certainly make organisation, task initiation and follow-through more challenging, but many young people can still learn life skills with the right support, routines and realistic expectations. It sounds as though a gradual approach to building independence could benefit both the children and their parents in the long term.

Hi @Bluebird70

I think ADHD makes it hard but not impossible!

My nephew now lives with me FT. He's been with me since he was 17 and is now nearly 20. He's diagnosed ADHD.

He was very troubled when he started living with me. I was advised to lay down tasks one by one and get them to be habit forming before moving on to a new one. This was key.
We started with daily showering and hanging up towels. Then moved on to making his bed. Then putting dirty clothes in one laundry basket. Etc... Just built it up. He never has to be reminded to shower or make his bed now.

Occasionally, i would do a big clean of his room with him so he could see what was involved and feel the difference for himself at the end.
Now, he does an hour or so a week of all his laundry and cleans his room. Sometimes without a prompt!! He does other chores when asked bins and dishwasher and will wipe down sides. (he is now a trainee chef and is busy. I am very proud of him😊)

IT's been a lot of effort explaining, working with him, and doing things for him in turn. (lifts, an allowance and paying his phone etc.)

I think it's easier sometimes to do it yourself and I feel for your sister. I am persevering because he's a lovely guy and I don't want him to be a useless partner to someone in the future!!

ADHD isn't an excuse to get away with stuff though just harder and longer to make stuff stick.

Doing the vacuuming is actually: 1. Getting the vacuum cleaner out. 2. Unravelling the cord and plugging it in...

You missed out, in our household, finding where the last person left the hoover and its attachments, because there's a very slim chance that it'll be back in the hoover cupboard and not behind a sofa or a random stack of cardboard boxes.

Just because it’s harder for some people doesn’t mean they don’t need to learn - or it will affect thier whole life

ADHD can absolutely make chores harder, especially with organisation and getting started, but it doesn't mean they can't learn those skills. Small, realistic expectations and the right support can make a big difference over time

Doing everything like this doesn't make you a good parent. It makes you a terrible one because you have completely failed at your job of raising your children to be prepared for adult life.

My ND kids do chores, My sisters dont, she cannot deal with the moaning and complaints and prefers to do everything herself, I insist mine pull their weight. Its not for my sister or I to tell one another how to manage our households. I secretly think she is bonkers and running herself ragged, she (probably) secretly thinks im a battle axe and too strict, but we live and let live. I suggest thats the better option for you too

This.

It's not your home, not your kids, and you criticising her parenting is probably really annoying!

Is there a reason why your BIL is not taking on some of this load?

If he has a disability which means he can neither work nor contribute to the running of the household then fair enough, but if your sister is the only one working and BIL is a SAHP then he should take charge of organising the children and household.

If I were your sister I would give all of them the option to either do some cleaning , or pay for a cleaner from what would otherwise be the treat/ holiday/ expensive food budget.