AIBU to question ADHD being used to avoid household chores?

YANBU but I do understand why your DSis is doing it this way. I have ADHD and at least 2/3 DC have ADHD.

A lot of the time you have to pick your battles. It doesn't achieve anything to hold ND children to NT norms if they are struggling to meet them.

OTOH it is easy, I know it is because I have done it, to fall into patterns where you drop expectations to avoid conflict in the short term and then life is too busy/hectic to get around to a point where you start to work them back in. It can take a lot of patience and be frustrating to work them back in. It's not as simple as just telling them to buck their ideas up. Often they need a lot of hand-holding with the tasks and easing them through the barriers their own brain puts up. Even my 7yo needs this - I'm going through some basic chores with him because it's the summer holidays and basically because it's boring it's not just that he does the normal whining and complaining any 7yo does when you ask them to do jobs, his brain will also wildly cast around for ANY possible reason why he cannot do the thing. One current favourite is "I once saw a bug in that room and there might be a bug in there so I can't possibly enter the room". It's difficult to stay patient with this kind of thing, but if I don't stay patient with it and keep enough pressure and reassurance at the same time, then he'll get all wound up in the panic about the bug to a point where absolutely nothing is happening and/or we are shouting at each other and you need gin before 10 O'Clock. He's not even especially anxious about insects - at school his favourite playtime activity was making a bug hotel FFS. But it's not about what the reason the brain latches onto is, it's about the actual task just feeling difficult.

I can only really see it like this I think, because I'm far along enough in my own self reflection to see that I do exactly the same thing. I will come up with utterly wild justifications for picking the easy option and at the time it feels completely reasonable and correct. It sometimes takes a big jolt to make me see that I am being ridiculous and this is an excuse, not a reasoned choice.

DH doesn't really get it. But he is also more patient/firm in the first place so he is more likely to push past the excuses without getting caught up in the drama. I think it's my own ADHD which makes me liable to get swept up in their drama.

I think you are right to think it’s setting them up for failure. They need to be helped with developing strategies that work for them.
It’s a massive issue at unis. Parents expecting other students to effectively act as carers for their dc and ‘be kind’
If they aren’t able to do basic chores and understand things like bins need emptying, leaving your food to rot and drip over everyone else’s in fridge is socially unacceptable then they shouldn’t be going into shared housing. Gap year to work on life skills and coping strategies or book a studio so your filth doesn’t impact others or live at home. It’s not on to expect random people to prompt them like mum does. It’s unfair on others if they are leaving rotting food and dirty pots in a small shared communal space.

Putting aside that you don’t need to worry about this as not your house…

No, ADHD is not a reason not to lift a finger.

ADHD just mean kids will need extra support and help to become competent at household tasks. This can be more work for the parent than just doing it themselves but it’s vital that they do support their kids to become competent or the kids won’t become self sufficient adults.

Same for boys or girls of course.

So they’ll need showing how to do things multiple times. They’ll need explanation as to why it’s important. They’ll need reminding to do things at first, maybe visual aids.

My son has ADHD (he’s only 12) and it is work getting him to do things but he needs to be shown or how will he survive?

You don’t get angry with them for forgetting things you just keep showing them.

Yeah. It was just a suggestion. Whether it would work on someone I've never met is another matter!

DD is AuDHD. Her bedroom can be an absolute tip, but if I asked her to clean the kitchen, she would move everything, put everything away, clean it perfectly including the floor.

The ADHD manifests in different ways.

DD has 1 job which is the dishwasher and I am now showing her how to do laundry and basic cooking skills before she goes off to Uni later this year (hopefully).

@ChocolateApples
Yes and no.
ADHDers aren't blind to the fact that households involve teamwork. (Same can be said for some partners )
Yes, we can show and encourage etc. That's a never ending story.
But, have you ever felt unable to do something and realised that you simply aren't ready to do? Go on a solo trip? Not yet. Cut all your hair off? Not yet. That feeling of not ready, is from my experience , how my DC is constantly. It's procrastination on steroids. It is really really frustrating when households get busy and one person freezes...
When DC was put on medication, the psychiatrist said that encouraging the ADHDer to behave the way they are on meds, when not in meds, is something to aim for. We hadn't thought about it like that, but its something that I remind DC daily...fingers crossed 😀

chirrupybird · Today 08:38
Everyone seems to have ADHD these days or thinks they have or might have or are waiting for a diagnosis and it's an excuse for everything.

What a hateful abliest attitude. There is so much prejudice towards people with ADHD - I hope that it's because people are ignorant and don't really understand the condition rather than them just being a nasty arsehole.

OP - you asked Can someone please explain to me how ADHD can impact on their ability to help around the house? ADHD is an executive dysfunction which means that starting tasks and managing multiple chores can be very difficult. This doesn't mean that kids (or adults) with ADHD and the co-morbid conditions that tend to run with it can't help around the house but they will potentially need support to be successful.

I have to give my teen (AuDHD) very clear direction and tasks broken down into smaller chunks. I also have to remember that he has time blindness as part of his ADHD so he has trouble estimating how long chores will take. For me, I write his chores on a piece of paper and stick them to the fridge so he can see what's expected in bite-size chunks. If I am not clear and direct then the chores won't happen as he doesn't understand inference. For example saying 'oh there's so much washing up in the sink' will get me nowhere. I have to be clear 'please can you put the hot water and washing liquid in the sink and then wash the plates up'.

Finally, the constant mental effort required for him to focus and stay organised means that he can get exhausted or overloaded quite easily - so for example if he's doing other things that require his brainpower (exams etc) then he'll find it even harder. I have to be particularly mindful of burnout with him as he's recently recovered from a mental breakdown.

If you want to understand how ADHD effects everyday life then there are lots of resources online that you can look at.

If you took adhd people out of the workforce lots of work areas would be heavily depleted!

I think the idea is that diagnosis will open doors to medication and awareness so people learn coping strategies and channel themselves into the right types of work where they can succeed.

I have a friend who works in emergency medicine who says there seems to be a higher prevalence of doctors with adhd. Likewise lawyers working in litigation.

Yes….. same.

What helped for my DC was instead of saying “please do the washing up” was to give a choice like “do you want to wash up or unload the dishwasher?” I have another NT DC and it was much easier with them.

With the neurodivergent DC, once they finally agreed to doing a chore, I did actually find that they did it very thoroughly and carefully and were very good at getting the details right.

You can’t just switch ADHD off. Most of us as parents of children with children wjo have ADHD have tried everything. What do you expect parents to do next- tell them they’re shit?

Pretty much this. It's part of parenting to teach your children this. For their own sake and for the sake of the people they will be living with in shared houses and for future partners. And you start much younger than teens to help embedd it...

Are you not aware ADHD varies massively in people?

How will they manage when they get a job? Or is it now expected that they won't and will just live off other people - who are dealing with struggles of their own?

I have it and I do have to mentally force myself to do chores and cleaning. So yeah you do have to work harder. Well some people do. And if they are trying to use it as an excuse not to do chores which is the circumstance OP is talking about.

It's not your place to suggest anything. She hasn't asked for your advice.

They're really not....

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m002c6bb/inside-our-minds-inside-our-adhd-minds

This programme on iPlayer explains it really well, lovely young man with a floordrobe and broken appliances.

I think ADHD has a genuine and huge impact on getting household chores done. Difficulty starting, finishing and organising tasks. Executive function can be a real problem.

But that is not itself a reason not to do chores. Young people with ADHD need scaffolding to learn techniques to get jobs done, some excellent advice from pp.

Well I think everyone does to a degree.

That's why the word "neuro divergence" as in a divergence from the norm, is by definition, incorrect as more people exhibit symptoms that those who do not.

Everyone has their own quirks. I, myself only eat with two specific spoons and have to do each task a certain number of times but never the same as the time before . These things are more normal than you think

She's choosing to do that. She could get her kids to atleast clean up the crap they made themselves, she doesn't necessarily have to give them extra things but it would be a start.

Being constantly berated is why MH difficulties and suicide levels are so high within the ADHD community.

You can’t just switch it off or work that bit harder to eradicate it!🙄

Just say 'Everyone has to do chores or they would live in absolute filth, and be covered in shit and fleas. It makes no difference if you have ADHD or not. If ADHD can make you disorganized it means you just have to work that little bit harder to get things done unfortunately. It's not other people's responsibility to pick up the slack.'

You don’t need to suggest anything, she is a grown woman and will have the best expertise as regards her children and their ADHD. Being a parent to young people with ADHD is exhausting. Like any disability it can’t just be switched off and one size does not fit all.