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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not wanting to be exclusive

29 replies

MissingCanine · 04/08/2026 22:39

okay so I’ve been married for ten years and have two children. About a month ago we seperated. Mainly because I withdrew due to some awful things he said to me (about me being fat and ugly, and him needing to think about other women to have sex with me) and after a few months of withdrawal (no affection or sex) he wanted to move out.

i spoke with him today about both working individually to be better people for ourselves and to hopefully be emotionally safe partners for the other and getting to a point where we could be a family again.

he told me that hook ups were fine but if I met someone could I tell him out of respect.

i said tbh I would like to be exclusive in this period of figuring out if we can work out enough to be with each-other to be emotionally safe partners.

he said he wasn’t sure he could be exclusive and he would let me know.

its been 12 hours and nothing.

aibu or this is a red flag right?

OP posts:
26823Days · 04/08/2026 22:41

For god’s sake, woman, how much of a kicking are you willing to take from this loser? Seriously- are you alright? Because you’re not thinking straight.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 04/08/2026 22:41

You need to stay apart. He's abusive and rude.

PinkyFlamingo · 04/08/2026 22:42

26823Days · 04/08/2026 22:41

For god’s sake, woman, how much of a kicking are you willing to take from this loser? Seriously- are you alright? Because you’re not thinking straight.

Absolutely! Totally agree.

Ilovemychocolate · 04/08/2026 22:44

How on earth would you ever be emotionally safe with this piece of shit?
FFS kick him out and find yourself again!

SecretSquid · 04/08/2026 22:44

26823Days · 04/08/2026 22:41

For god’s sake, woman, how much of a kicking are you willing to take from this loser? Seriously- are you alright? Because you’re not thinking straight.

This!
Every thing he says is a red flag. He's a walking red flag.

Gowlett · 04/08/2026 22:45

Now is your chance to be free.
Take it. Let him go… Bye, guy!

SunshineAndFizz · 04/08/2026 22:47

Everything is a red flag. Run.

BIossomtoes · 04/08/2026 22:50

Why on earth do you want this piece of shit in your life?

Harrumphhhh · 04/08/2026 22:54

He’s already shagging other women.

Work individually on yourself, by all means, but don’t expect anything from this one. He’s shown you who he is; believe him.

Original poster
MissingCanine · 04/08/2026 22:55

Gawd I needed this.

Because I thought that having him around the kids, not sharing them etc was the best option.

i didn’t even consider exclusivity as a thing as I haven’t even had opportunity to think about being with anyone else.

i think I’d started to question reality and having strangers on the internet comment makes everything clearer.

imagine that I asked him to work on us but he needs to think if he can be exclusive. How cringe 🫣

OP posts:
Pleasedontdoitagain · 04/08/2026 22:56

Seems that he has been pretty clear he wants sex with other women OP. I think you are flogging a dead horse if you really think you and he have a monogamous future together.
And really after his horrible comments to you why would you want a relationship with this man. You are worth much more OP.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 04/08/2026 22:56

I can't believe he's using the words "out of respect", especially being aimed at him.

Life is offering you a way out of this marriage, one that you don't have to fight for, a way to be free from this person that's being disrespectful to you.

You may not notice it as that right now but please take it with both hands and don't look back.

Namechangedoverandover · 04/08/2026 22:58

Surely you know you deserve so much better OP.

You do not need a man in your life who has treated and spoken to you so appallingly.

Please have more respect for yourself as he certainly doesn't have it for you!

PinkNailPolish2026 · 04/08/2026 23:13

Let me get this right, married 10 years, separated for a month. He couldn’t have sex with you unless he thought about other women, he told you you were fat and ugly, doesn’t mind you having ‘hook ups’ and can’t commit to being exclusive to you (after 10 years of marriage) after a month separation.

Bin him, he’s a waste of space, concentrate on you and your children.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 04/08/2026 23:17

He’s definitely been shagging around for a while…

Thank your lucky stars you’re rid of this useless piece of shit and live a happy life.

Happyjoe · 04/08/2026 23:21

He's gone, keep him gone. You deserve someone who doesn't leave you spinning. Sorry OP, he may well have done you a huge fav by going even if you're not sure it feels like it right now.

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 04/08/2026 23:22

Not to be mean, but the relationship is over.
You can be kind to each other, but don't be a couple.

Agapornis · 05/08/2026 00:05

How on earth could it be good for the kids to have an absolute twat there who doesn't respect their mother? He sets a bad example and the less he is in their lives, the better.

Be strong for your kids and yourself, end it.

ThingsCouldBeEasier · 05/08/2026 01:04

He's not capable of being in a functional relationship with you. Do yourself and the DC a favour by getting right out and staying out.

Waitingforgod26 · 05/08/2026 01:10

26823Days · 04/08/2026 22:41

For god’s sake, woman, how much of a kicking are you willing to take from this loser? Seriously- are you alright? Because you’re not thinking straight.

This to the power of a million.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 05/08/2026 01:39

You don't need his permission. You are separated. Take the time you need

Cardhey · 05/08/2026 06:40

Your relationship is dead. Doomed. Dismal. There’s no getting back together ffs.

Loulou4022 · 05/08/2026 14:14

He’s got more red flags that communist China!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Tell him to fuck off and seek the advice of a lawyer to start divorce proceedings!

Scorpion84 · 05/08/2026 14:16

I genuinely mean this with kindness , you need to find some self respect if you are
seriously considering this

CrispySquid · 05/08/2026 14:20

This isn’t even a “red flag” situation. It’s beyond a red flag. This guy is a complete and utter POS. Awful human being. Kick him to the curb immediately and never contact him again. Please spend some time on yourself working on your confidence, independence and self-esteem because you need to question why you are so beholden to a man reminiscent of pond scum.