To find this view re autism frustrating

Well, this is going nicely…

I am not making sweeping generalisations. I have said what my opinion is after working with many families absolutely ruined by autism. It is an honest to god curse on some people’s lives. You and your daughter make no bearing on my opinion that I am very glad my child isn’t autistic.

“Challenging” is the understatement of the fucking century. A crossword is “challenging”. A child committing suicide because their daily life was a sibling who destroyed the very home around them and screamed non stop, or smeared shit on the walls- this isn’t “challenging”. It’s an absolute tragedy.

I’ll shout it from the rooftops that I’m glad my child isn’t autistic.

No one has said your daughters existence is a tragedy. No autistic child is inherently less desirable or less valuable. Nobody has said that. That is something you are taking from the very normal phenomenon of being grateful that your child is healthy and will not have a more difficult childhood than other children.

Of course your daughter is wonderful but if you could choose for her to not face the extra challenges I'm sure you would. Nobody wants extra challenges for their children and given the choice no one would choose autism if they were given the choice. That's why people say they are glad their child doesn't have autism, not because autistic children are less desirable.

You're putting words in people's mouths and it's you yourself that can't understand the distinction between "I'm glad my child doesn't have something that will make their life more difficult" and "autistic children are are a tragedy and less valuable as people"

God it's so saccharine and patronising isn't it? My it's so hard watching my 12 year old struggle with stuff that her peers manage naturally, and the worry about her future is always there.

i think you have been misled.

Experts do not think that masking is fictitious and they do think that girls have communication difficulties (I am an autistic woman and have many communication difficulties).

There is however a lot of debate on where the diagnositic threshold should lie.

I’m not sure why you believe girls are being “undiagnosed”. There is no evidence of that happening. Similarly, I’m not sure why you believe that autism diagnoses are being created for equality. All that has happened is that that the scientific understanding has grown and with that the diagnostic criteria have evolved. There is no evidence of some kind of conspiracy to create autism diagnoses for some kind of policy reasons.

Well, I wish us all 🍀
I am struggling and would not wish parenting of any teen - NT or ND - on anyone right now! 🥳
Rigid thinking, bedrotting and anxiety, mixed with puberty, make for poor bedfellows. Add sibling rivalry and autism presenting differently in brothers and sisters...🤯
Glass children is also a well known phenomenon.
And then the illusion of inclusion in education where everyone is catered for because noone is.
Grabs the 🍷and looks forward to the joys of school refusal in 3 weeks time....

No. I'm asking you to reconsider making sweeping negative generalisations about autistic children and their families.

I'm sorry that you witnessed something so devastating. Of course some situations involving autistic children with high support can be incredibly challenging for the individual and those around them.

However, what I am objecting to is moving from those very real experiences to a broader message that autism itself makes lives worse. There are many different experiences and stories to tell.

Talking honestly about challenges is important. But there is a difference between describing the reality of a particular family's suffering and making generalised statements that contribute to the idea that autistic lives are inherently less valuable or desirable, or that autistic children are simply a terrible misfortune for their parents and siblings.

I think siblings are often the forgotten ones, and i mean no malice in saying that. While dd doesn't have what I'd call 'profound' autism, her autism has nonetheless had a huge impact on her older brother. He opened up to me recently, after a family holiday which saw the usual daily meltdowns, saying that although the positives outweighed the negatives, he wasn't sure he'd want to do a similar holiday again. He said: "I do love her, Mum, and I'd do anything for her. But it's hard when she's kicking off, and I keep it in, but it does bother me, and I do get embarrassed, and I just try not to show it. Because I know how much harder it is for you and dad." He made me so very proud and yet completely broke me, all at the same time. We try so very hard to give them both the best of an upbringing in difficult circumstances, and think we're doing ok, and then you hear that truth spoken directly to you and there's no escaping it. Ds has had to step in too often and help over the years. I truly hope he's not sitting on resentment, or worse.

You’re blaming me for your 6 year old wishing her sibling didn’t have autism?

Can you take a moment and actually read what I wrote- I worked with a family for years whose child killed themselves as a direct result of growing up with a sibling with profound autism. Are you even taking that in? That’s reality- it’s not my attitude.

Sadly it was on FB so no chance.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds incredibly painful, both for your son and for you as his mum.
Thank you for acknowledging the distinction I was trying to make.

I accept that. When I talk from my experience autism is always a negative, I don't see any positives in it all. So I am guilty in that respect of making generalisations about autism, that is from my experience. I love my son and he brings me so much happiness but it is also true that he has a horrific life and the cause of that is his autism. Both can be true at the same time. I wouldn't wish autism on anyone.

That wasn't in response to a parent sharing the realities or difficulties of raising a disabled child.

I was objecting to a poster making repeated sweeping value judgments about autistic people's and autistic children's lives—for example, saying, "I'm incredibly grateful no one in my family has autism." There's an important difference between describing your own lived experience and making broader statements that imply autistic people's lives or families are inherently less desirable.

Like I said, I'm beyond lucky to be my daughter's mum. She brings challenges, as every child does in their own way, but she's also brought immense joy to our lives. Despite the challenges, she's truly been a gift.

My objection was never to parents talking honestly about the difficulties they face; it was to the broader value judgments being made about autistic people and their lives.

Worked with a woman who when there was a report about a potential cure for autism (every so often a cure is touted) told me it was ridiculous as there would be no scientists if we cured it. I had to walk away.

For every autistic genius there are thousands more who aren't, and find day to day life challenging to various degrees.
As a parent of an autistic adult it infuriates me.

"I guess its these sorts of attitudes that are responsible for what happened when I told my 6 year old that her little sister had autism.I was ready to explain what that meant when she quickly interrupted me and said: "I know what autism is, I don't want her to have it". Later she begged me to have another baby saying she'd never be able to play with her sister because autistic children "are horrible".So, yeh, thanks for that."This is what I was responding to.

People can't be silent about their lives out of fear of offending others with the reality of parenting a disabled child, that in it's self is ableism.

I never said that. Please respond to what I actually wrote rather than attributing views to me that I haven't expressed. At no point did I argue that people should be silent about their lives or about parenting a disabled child for fear of offending others.

@Sunnibee i'm just curious how old your daughter is that has autism, if you feel able to share?

I'm asking because if you're quite early in your journey you may not have experienced yet some of the really heartbreaking situations that do come with time to most of us who have children with severe autism. Some of them we all have to face eg where will they live when we can't look after them? Who will keep them safe? Will the carers abuse them? How do you ensure they don't (you can't really)? Other situations are things like safeguarding situations, safe spaces/ rooms (see the news over the last few days), puberty and everything that comes with it. Then there's the things that many families experience; staring, changes of staff, education/ care plans not being followed, lack of invites/ friends for their children, family not living up to expectations. That's all aside from the practicalities of life with someone with severe autism.

My son is amazing, he's beautiful and funny, his smile and laughter pick everyone up but he deserves a better life, one with privacy, decency, respect, options, to be able to make his own decisions, to be able to take a shower on his own, to maybe get married and have a job and then his own children. These are all things he'll never do. I would get rid of the autism because I love him.

People can't be silent about their lives out of fear of offending others with the reality of parenting a disabled child, that in its self is ableism.

I also hate the 'gift' talk. I have 2 high functioning boys, both are very bright and good students. One is exceptionally skilled at maths and has a photographic memory so can learn textbooks very quickly. The other could read at 3, is very articulate and talented in art and music. They have gifts that's for sure. But those are only consolations for the massive challenges they face elsewhere in their lives. One masks so well you couldn't tell but living with him can be extremely difficult and has caused so much stress. The other struggles socially and was bullied. As autism goes, they do very well but they also have worked very hard to overcome their difficulties. I have also given so much of my time, life and mental energy to helping them. We consider ourselves lucky overall but I think we'd all feel a lot luckier if they were NT.

I don’t think anyone has suggested that your DD’s existence, or the existence of children like her, is somehow a tragedy @Sunnibee.

I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

I don't deny that disability can involve real challenges for autistic people and their families. I live those challenges every day. But I also think ableism is a very real problem, and I disagree with framing autism itself as something that is simply "bad" or "tragic", and with normalising that kind of attitude.

My daughter is every bit as delightful, funny, loving and valuable as any other child. I wouldn't trade her for a different version of herself, and I am profoundly grateful to be her parent. The difficulties she experiences deserve support and understanding, not the suggestion that her existence is somehow a tragedy.

Reading your comment, I don't think you have much understanding of autism beyond seeing the difficulties from the outside. That isn't the same as understanding autistic people or what makes their lives meaningful. So I don't think there's much more to be gained from debating this.

We clearly see this very differently, and I'm happy to leave it there.

You were guilt tripping her.

It's treated as some heinous social crime these days to say you're glad your child isn't disabled because you don't want them to suffer. It is completely normal to not want your child to suffer. After seeing the impact of autism and disability on my aunt's children I have seen how it limits the life experiences available to them and how deeply it has impacted the rest of the family. It is completely normal to be glad your child doesn't have to deal with that. My aunt certainly wishes her children weren't disabled because it's not the life she wanted for them. It's normal and ok to feel that way. We don't all have to pretend that autism isn't a bad thing and doesn't cause any problems for families because some people don't like it. None of those feelings mean we think people with autism are horrible, we just see the difficulties it causes and don't want it for our children!

it's not about guilt tripping , it's about hoping that people might next time think twice about making such sweeping harmful generalisations and assumptions.

because these attitudes and words do have very real impacts, and it is this stigma that has already left a very real impression on my 6 year old. We have a long way to go.

And im not offended by other posters saing they are greatful their child is profoundly autistic

You inserted the word "profoundly" there. I wonder why? Maybe it was to make the generalisation sound less bad?

Oh lay off the guilt trip it's normal to be grateful your child doesn't have to suffer with a disability.

What your daughter said is not that posters fault so stop trying to make her feel bad.

Haven't rtft and note OP has only done ONE post so 🤞🏻 they are authentic.
Each to their own, one person's "superpower" is another's "identity" is another's "disability." Or not.
Do I find ASC or AuDHD superpowers? I do not.
Do I think the Welcome to Holland sap is any truer than Welcome to Beirut? I do not.
I think people's lived experiences, as carers, as children, as siblings, as adults, as parents with additional needs themselves or/and as advocates...are just that. Their experiences. Their lens.
That can mean that a diagnosis has a different impact on all. The phrase ...you've only met one person with autism is accurate and there are too many variables at play:
The resources, responses and access to support differing around the country
Early or late diagnosis
Position within the family
Attitude towards diagnosis
Severity of need
ASC as an umbrella term
Person first language (person with autism) Vs Identity first (autistic)
None of it is linear. When I hear Superpower I always think yay, another label, yet more pressure. Someone else might find it inspiring and motivating.
How do you see the glass?
I am realistic and pragmatic but also am aware that my self-esteem is low 😉