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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this view re autism frustrating

447 replies

Pleasenomorespiders · 04/08/2026 19:25

Somebody today tried to argue that autism is simply a 'gift' because people like Einstein supposedly had it, I suppose they're talking about people on the spectrum being more gifted and talented in some areas.
This person must surely realise it's a spectrum and has failed to mention how debilitating autism can be, how much people with it can struggle in every aspect of life and may never be able to have a 'normal' life.

Calling it a 'gift' is nice, they're only thinking about high-functioning individuals who as I say have heightened awareness and notice patterns, artistically or mathematically gifted, or whatever it may be. Autism is simply not 'just seeing the world differently'. Many individuals will never have a job or a relationship.

OP posts:
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6
SupernaturalAddict · 06/08/2026 17:08

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 17:02

That wasn't in response to a parent sharing the realities or difficulties of raising a disabled child.

I was objecting to a poster making repeated sweeping value judgments about autistic people's and autistic children's lives—for example, saying, "I'm incredibly grateful no one in my family has autism." There's an important difference between describing your own lived experience and making broader statements that imply autistic people's lives or families are inherently less desirable.

Like I said, I'm beyond lucky to be my daughter's mum. She brings challenges, as every child does in their own way, but she's also brought immense joy to our lives. Despite the challenges, she's truly been a gift.

My objection was never to parents talking honestly about the difficulties they face; it was to the broader value judgments being made about autistic people and their lives.

I accept that. When I talk from my experience autism is always a negative, I don't see any positives in it all. So I am guilty in that respect of making generalisations about autism, that is from my experience. I love my son and he brings me so much happiness but it is also true that he has a horrific life and the cause of that is his autism. Both can be true at the same time. I wouldn't wish autism on anyone.

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 17:02

SupernaturalAddict · 06/08/2026 16:56

"I guess its these sorts of attitudes that are responsible for what happened when I told my 6 year old that her little sister had autism.I was ready to explain what that meant when she quickly interrupted me and said: "I know what autism is, I don't want her to have it". Later she begged me to have another baby saying she'd never be able to play with her sister because autistic children "are horrible".So, yeh, thanks for that."This is what I was responding to.

That wasn't in response to a parent sharing the realities or difficulties of raising a disabled child.

I was objecting to a poster making repeated sweeping value judgments about autistic people's and autistic children's lives—for example, saying, "I'm incredibly grateful no one in my family has autism." There's an important difference between describing your own lived experience and making broader statements that imply autistic people's lives or families are inherently less desirable.

Like I said, I'm beyond lucky to be my daughter's mum. She brings challenges, as every child does in their own way, but she's also brought immense joy to our lives. Despite the challenges, she's truly been a gift.

My objection was never to parents talking honestly about the difficulties they face; it was to the broader value judgments being made about autistic people and their lives.

8misskitty8 · 06/08/2026 16:58

Worked with a woman who when there was a report about a potential cure for autism (every so often a cure is touted) told me it was ridiculous as there would be no scientists if we cured it. I had to walk away.

For every autistic genius there are thousands more who aren't, and find day to day life challenging to various degrees.
As a parent of an autistic adult it infuriates me.

SupernaturalAddict · 06/08/2026 16:56

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 16:52

People can't be silent about their lives out of fear of offending others with the reality of parenting a disabled child, that in it's self is ableism.

I never said that. Please respond to what I actually wrote rather than attributing views to me that I haven't expressed. At no point did I argue that people should be silent about their lives or about parenting a disabled child for fear of offending others.

"I guess its these sorts of attitudes that are responsible for what happened when I told my 6 year old that her little sister had autism.I was ready to explain what that meant when she quickly interrupted me and said: "I know what autism is, I don't want her to have it". Later she begged me to have another baby saying she'd never be able to play with her sister because autistic children "are horrible".So, yeh, thanks for that."This is what I was responding to.

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 16:52

SupernaturalAddict · 06/08/2026 16:49

@Sunnibee i'm just curious how old your daughter is that has autism, if you feel able to share?

I'm asking because if you're quite early in your journey you may not have experienced yet some of the really heartbreaking situations that do come with time to most of us who have children with severe autism. Some of them we all have to face eg where will they live when we can't look after them? Who will keep them safe? Will the carers abuse them? How do you ensure they don't (you can't really)? Other situations are things like safeguarding situations, safe spaces/ rooms (see the news over the last few days), puberty and everything that comes with it. Then there's the things that many families experience; staring, changes of staff, education/ care plans not being followed, lack of invites/ friends for their children, family not living up to expectations. That's all aside from the practicalities of life with someone with severe autism.

My son is amazing, he's beautiful and funny, his smile and laughter pick everyone up but he deserves a better life, one with privacy, decency, respect, options, to be able to make his own decisions, to be able to take a shower on his own, to maybe get married and have a job and then his own children. These are all things he'll never do. I would get rid of the autism because I love him.

People can't be silent about their lives out of fear of offending others with the reality of parenting a disabled child, that in its self is ableism.

Edited

People can't be silent about their lives out of fear of offending others with the reality of parenting a disabled child, that in it's self is ableism.

I never said that. Please respond to what I actually wrote rather than attributing views to me that I haven't expressed. At no point did I argue that people should be silent about their lives or about parenting a disabled child for fear of offending others.

SupernaturalAddict · 06/08/2026 16:49

@Sunnibee i'm just curious how old your daughter is that has autism, if you feel able to share?

I'm asking because if you're quite early in your journey you may not have experienced yet some of the really heartbreaking situations that do come with time to most of us who have children with severe autism. Some of them we all have to face eg where will they live when we can't look after them? Who will keep them safe? Will the carers abuse them? How do you ensure they don't (you can't really)? Other situations are things like safeguarding situations, safe spaces/ rooms (see the news over the last few days), puberty and everything that comes with it. Then there's the things that many families experience; staring, changes of staff, education/ care plans not being followed, lack of invites/ friends for their children, family not living up to expectations. That's all aside from the practicalities of life with someone with severe autism.

My son is amazing, he's beautiful and funny, his smile and laughter pick everyone up but he deserves a better life, one with privacy, decency, respect, options, to be able to make his own decisions, to be able to take a shower on his own, to maybe get married and have a job and then his own children. These are all things he'll never do. I would get rid of the autism because I love him.

People can't be silent about their lives out of fear of offending others with the reality of parenting a disabled child, that in its self is ableism.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 06/08/2026 16:45

I also hate the 'gift' talk. I have 2 high functioning boys, both are very bright and good students. One is exceptionally skilled at maths and has a photographic memory so can learn textbooks very quickly. The other could read at 3, is very articulate and talented in art and music. They have gifts that's for sure. But those are only consolations for the massive challenges they face elsewhere in their lives. One masks so well you couldn't tell but living with him can be extremely difficult and has caused so much stress. The other struggles socially and was bullied. As autism goes, they do very well but they also have worked very hard to overcome their difficulties. I have also given so much of my time, life and mental energy to helping them. We consider ourselves lucky overall but I think we'd all feel a lot luckier if they were NT.

Coldhot · 06/08/2026 16:39

I don’t think anyone has suggested that your DD’s existence, or the existence of children like her, is somehow a tragedy @Sunnibee.

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 16:32

SerenaCat93 · 06/08/2026 16:28

You were guilt tripping her.

It's treated as some heinous social crime these days to say you're glad your child isn't disabled because you don't want them to suffer. It is completely normal to not want your child to suffer. After seeing the impact of autism and disability on my aunt's children I have seen how it limits the life experiences available to them and how deeply it has impacted the rest of the family. It is completely normal to be glad your child doesn't have to deal with that. My aunt certainly wishes her children weren't disabled because it's not the life she wanted for them. It's normal and ok to feel that way. We don't all have to pretend that autism isn't a bad thing and doesn't cause any problems for families because some people don't like it. None of those feelings mean we think people with autism are horrible, we just see the difficulties it causes and don't want it for our children!

I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

I don't deny that disability can involve real challenges for autistic people and their families. I live those challenges every day. But I also think ableism is a very real problem, and I disagree with framing autism itself as something that is simply "bad" or "tragic", and with normalising that kind of attitude.

My daughter is every bit as delightful, funny, loving and valuable as any other child. I wouldn't trade her for a different version of herself, and I am profoundly grateful to be her parent. The difficulties she experiences deserve support and understanding, not the suggestion that her existence is somehow a tragedy.

Reading your comment, I don't think you have much understanding of autism beyond seeing the difficulties from the outside. That isn't the same as understanding autistic people or what makes their lives meaningful. So I don't think there's much more to be gained from debating this.

We clearly see this very differently, and I'm happy to leave it there.

SerenaCat93 · 06/08/2026 16:28

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 16:17

it's not about guilt tripping , it's about hoping that people might next time think twice about making such sweeping harmful generalisations and assumptions.

because these attitudes and words do have very real impacts, and it is this stigma that has already left a very real impression on my 6 year old. We have a long way to go.

You were guilt tripping her.

It's treated as some heinous social crime these days to say you're glad your child isn't disabled because you don't want them to suffer. It is completely normal to not want your child to suffer. After seeing the impact of autism and disability on my aunt's children I have seen how it limits the life experiences available to them and how deeply it has impacted the rest of the family. It is completely normal to be glad your child doesn't have to deal with that. My aunt certainly wishes her children weren't disabled because it's not the life she wanted for them. It's normal and ok to feel that way. We don't all have to pretend that autism isn't a bad thing and doesn't cause any problems for families because some people don't like it. None of those feelings mean we think people with autism are horrible, we just see the difficulties it causes and don't want it for our children!

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 16:17

SerenaCat93 · 06/08/2026 15:22

Oh lay off the guilt trip it's normal to be grateful your child doesn't have to suffer with a disability.

What your daughter said is not that posters fault so stop trying to make her feel bad.

Edited

it's not about guilt tripping , it's about hoping that people might next time think twice about making such sweeping harmful generalisations and assumptions.

because these attitudes and words do have very real impacts, and it is this stigma that has already left a very real impression on my 6 year old. We have a long way to go.

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 15:55

x2boys · 06/08/2026 15:04

Not everything is about you and your daughter
Autism is a masive spectrum and impacts everyone differently whilst i love my son more thzn anyhthing in the world i cam acknowlege this isnt the life i would have chosen
And im not offended by other posters saing they are greatful their child is profoundly autistic
Just like i wouodnt choose for my oldest son to be Diabetic

And im not offended by other posters saing they are greatful their child is profoundly autistic

You inserted the word "profoundly" there. I wonder why? Maybe it was to make the generalisation sound less bad?

SerenaCat93 · 06/08/2026 15:22

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 14:52

I’ve worked with families who’ve suffered their children killing themselves because of what they endured growing up with an autistic sibling- damn right I’m grateful we don’t have autism in the family.

Nice to see you're doubling down.

I guess its these sorts of attitudes that are responsible for what happened when I told my 6 year old that her little sister had autism.
I was ready to explain what that meant when she quickly interrupted me and said: "I know what autism is, I don't want her to have it". Later she begged me to have another baby saying she'd never be able to play with her sister because autistic children "are horrible".

So, yeh, thanks for that.

Edited

Oh lay off the guilt trip it's normal to be grateful your child doesn't have to suffer with a disability.

What your daughter said is not that posters fault so stop trying to make her feel bad.

SummerNocturnal · 06/08/2026 15:19

Haven't rtft and note OP has only done ONE post so 🤞🏻 they are authentic.
Each to their own, one person's "superpower" is another's "identity" is another's "disability." Or not.
Do I find ASC or AuDHD superpowers? I do not.
Do I think the Welcome to Holland sap is any truer than Welcome to Beirut? I do not.
I think people's lived experiences, as carers, as children, as siblings, as adults, as parents with additional needs themselves or/and as advocates...are just that. Their experiences. Their lens.
That can mean that a diagnosis has a different impact on all. The phrase ...you've only met one person with autism is accurate and there are too many variables at play:
The resources, responses and access to support differing around the country
Early or late diagnosis
Position within the family
Attitude towards diagnosis
Severity of need
ASC as an umbrella term
Person first language (person with autism) Vs Identity first (autistic)
None of it is linear. When I hear Superpower I always think yay, another label, yet more pressure. Someone else might find it inspiring and motivating.
How do you see the glass?
I am realistic and pragmatic but also am aware that my self-esteem is low 😉

SupernaturalAddict · 06/08/2026 15:14

I'm not grateful for autism at all. If I could cure my son it wouldn't even be a question. I love both my sons more than anything in the world but I too wouldn't wish his life for him.

I think the superpower hash etc does do harm in terms of research. I wonder if more progress would have been made if the spectrum wasn't widened and all theindentity politics and tik tok autism hadn't have taken hold.

Sirzy · 06/08/2026 15:14

SleeplessInWherever · 06/08/2026 14:09

Elbows in our house. He licks elbows.

Mad little creature.

I often think some of the things we say/do as SENd parents would be genuinely unbelievable to others and just seem so bizarre to people who have neurotypical kids.

We are currently on holiday. This morning going down the breakfast DS (16!) ‘walked’ like a flamingo the whole way there clinging onto me for balance!

now we are back to hiding in the cabin while he watches train videos with me hoping he is able to leave for us to have some food later. Thankfully my mum is onboard too so can sit with him if I have to run to the buffet alone at least as he can’t be left alone.

x2boys · 06/08/2026 15:04

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 14:52

I’ve worked with families who’ve suffered their children killing themselves because of what they endured growing up with an autistic sibling- damn right I’m grateful we don’t have autism in the family.

Nice to see you're doubling down.

I guess its these sorts of attitudes that are responsible for what happened when I told my 6 year old that her little sister had autism.
I was ready to explain what that meant when she quickly interrupted me and said: "I know what autism is, I don't want her to have it". Later she begged me to have another baby saying she'd never be able to play with her sister because autistic children "are horrible".

So, yeh, thanks for that.

Edited

Not everything is about you and your daughter
Autism is a masive spectrum and impacts everyone differently whilst i love my son more thzn anyhthing in the world i cam acknowlege this isnt the life i would have chosen
And im not offended by other posters saing they are greatful their child is profoundly autistic
Just like i wouodnt choose for my oldest son to be Diabetic

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 14:52

Yourethebeerthief · 06/08/2026 13:56

This perspective doesn’t dominate society. That’s the problem. The push is more and more towards “neurospicy” with the hardest suffering families sidelined. People think autism is all Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, not self-harm, screaming, pica, smearing, and attacking family members.

As I said before, when I’ve worked with families who’ve suffered their children killing themselves because of what they endured growing up with an autistic sibling- damn right I’m grateful we don’t have autism in the family.

I’ve worked with families who’ve suffered their children killing themselves because of what they endured growing up with an autistic sibling- damn right I’m grateful we don’t have autism in the family.

Nice to see you're doubling down.

I guess its these sorts of attitudes that are responsible for what happened when I told my 6 year old that her little sister had autism.
I was ready to explain what that meant when she quickly interrupted me and said: "I know what autism is, I don't want her to have it". Later she begged me to have another baby saying she'd never be able to play with her sister because autistic children "are horrible".

So, yeh, thanks for that.

TheFairCat · 06/08/2026 14:24

TurquoiseSloth · 06/08/2026 13:54

@TheFairCat have you looked into EOTAS?

The less complex of my two “in the middle” kids is at a special school for ND academically able children, while my more complex one has never fitted anywhere (and is just too hard work for us to cope with home ed, tbh… doesn’t sleep, in their own world, can’t cope with other kids so it’s a lonely life as cut off from home ed community, etc. and also has medical needs) and EOTAS has been the solution. It’s not an easy road though. I would home ed my less complex one if no suitable school as the hassle of EOTAS in our LA would be worse than the challenge of home ed, but for the higher needs one… it’s worth the hassle. It’s worth it for the therapeutic input being funded as well.

Yes, we have considered it, but like you say I think it would be a very long road. We took my daughter out of mainstream school in Y2, so in order to get EOTAS I think we would probably have to go to tribunal (with all that involves) just to get her into a specialist school that we would be fairly confident wouldn’t work out, wait for that to fail and then quite possibly go to tribunal again to try and get EOTAS. I’m just not sure I could put her (or us) through that and it could well take years.

Home ed is working pretty well for us. She goes to gymnastics, horse-riding/pony care and swimming weekly, which is really helping with her physical difficulties. She goes to tutor groups and has individual tutors for maths and English. She has friends (though this requires a fair amount of scaffolding from me).

I do resent the fact we have had to essentially develop our own alternative provision and are probably saving the LA tens of thousands of pounds a year, but I also think she’s getting the best education for her, so I try not to think about it!!

She’s also fairly easy company most of the time (as long as I’m
not trying to get her to brush her teeth). She loves animals and nature and we have a nice time visiting zoos and watching Steve Backshall documentaries! Alas my career is languishing in the gutter and our bank balance is no more….

Gwenhwyfar · 06/08/2026 14:20

x2boys · 06/08/2026 13:31

Yes thats interesting are they being diagnosed with anything else?

No, they're cured!

x2boys · 06/08/2026 14:13

SleeplessInWherever · 06/08/2026 14:09

Elbows in our house. He licks elbows.

Mad little creature.

I often think some of the things we say/do as SENd parents would be genuinely unbelievable to others and just seem so bizarre to people who have neurotypical kids.

So true 😂

SleeplessInWherever · 06/08/2026 14:09

x2boys · 06/08/2026 14:03

Oh definitlley
I couldnt love my son more if i tried
That doesnt mean its the life i woulsd have chosen
I have long since made my peace with it and accepted it for what is but things can be very challenging
One minute he can be pulling my hair and the next hes cuddled up to me kissing my eyebrows ( he has a thing about eyebtows )

Elbows in our house. He licks elbows.

Mad little creature.

I often think some of the things we say/do as SENd parents would be genuinely unbelievable to others and just seem so bizarre to people who have neurotypical kids.

x2boys · 06/08/2026 14:07

Yourethebeerthief · 06/08/2026 13:56

This perspective doesn’t dominate society. That’s the problem. The push is more and more towards “neurospicy” with the hardest suffering families sidelined. People think autism is all Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, not self-harm, screaming, pica, smearing, and attacking family members.

As I said before, when I’ve worked with families who’ve suffered their children killing themselves because of what they endured growing up with an autistic sibling- damn right I’m grateful we don’t have autism in the family.

Honestley i dont know why people get so offended
My oldest son has type1 Diabetes
I wouldnt choose that for him either

x2boys · 06/08/2026 14:03

Yourethebeerthief · 06/08/2026 13:50

I understand. If our child was autistic I would love him every bit the same. It would be a lie to say that I’m not glad he doesn’t have a disability of any description however.

Oh definitlley
I couldnt love my son more if i tried
That doesnt mean its the life i woulsd have chosen
I have long since made my peace with it and accepted it for what is but things can be very challenging
One minute he can be pulling my hair and the next hes cuddled up to me kissing my eyebrows ( he has a thing about eyebtows )

Yourethebeerthief · 06/08/2026 13:56

Sunnibee · 06/08/2026 10:44

I agree it doesn't do any favours to make it seem all sunshine and roses. But we are very far from that reality.

Equally it doesn't do any favours to make it seem that it's all a picture of unrelenting misery. That is much closer to where we are at. It's incredibly harmful to allow this narrow perspective to dominate, with blanket statements like "I'm so grateful that no one in my family is autistic".

This perspective doesn’t dominate society. That’s the problem. The push is more and more towards “neurospicy” with the hardest suffering families sidelined. People think autism is all Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, not self-harm, screaming, pica, smearing, and attacking family members.

As I said before, when I’ve worked with families who’ve suffered their children killing themselves because of what they endured growing up with an autistic sibling- damn right I’m grateful we don’t have autism in the family.

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