Page 2 | To prioritise myself over my daughter here?

GenXandtired · 2026-08-04T17:11:20+00:00

I was planning to stop contact with my mother and to take the last step with the rest of my family. DD16 is fine with this with my mother, but not the rest of the family. She specifically still wants to go to an annual family Christmas dinner, which everyone always attends. I'm VERY torn. I want to support my daughter above all. Her father is dead and we have lost touch with his family. She is autistic and very anti-social. She has no siblings and nor do I. So it seems right to encourage relationships with her similar age family members. My daughter is not in contact with any of them any other way. I want her to feel supported even if that's all she gets from it - that I ALWAYS have her back. She doesn't want to go alone (which I get. And my mother is not above attempting communication through her). But realistically, this is holding onto a token which will have no real benefit, and it has very real negative impact on both of us. This has been years coming and I am totally sure. I'm not interested in any sort of apology, explanation or reconciliation, whatever the reasons. I just want to quietly move on. We live very close to my mother and some others, but are moving further away and it feels like the right time to make the final break cleanly. If I could trust my mother to just be superficially polite or ignore me, I would be OK to still go. She won't. So I'd have to stay low contact. That fills me with anger, sorrow, dread and fatigue. What's the right thing to do here? (happy to post the backstory, but it just gets so long and involved)

NameChangeAgain48 · 04/08/2026 19:15

Id maintain contact with the extended family until your daughter is able to facilitate that contact herself. Id go LC with your mum.

alittlepieceofme · 04/08/2026 19:17

is your dd close to any of your family though because you said that she’s not in contact with any of them apart from when seeing them annually at Christmas

Wherethedogsits · 04/08/2026 19:20

Depends on the why.

LondonKara · 04/08/2026 19:20

I think it's asking a lot of your dd to go no contact with the only family she has, especially given her autism. You don't know how long you will be around for - then she will have absolutely no family. You see it as her putting you in a difficult position, but I would say you have put her in a harder one.

I think you have a responsibility to support her to have some kind of network around her if at all possible. That means rebuilding things with her father's family or sucking it up with yours (or ideally both) imo.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2026 19:21

If the relationship with your mother is irreparable then you won’t have a choice in cutting her off. Your Daughter will lose any connections to family. I think that could be detrimental for your as she already has social anxiety and very few people in her life.
How bad are things with your mother? Can you go low contact rather than packing up and leaving the area?

PancakeCloud · 04/08/2026 19:24

I think it’s important to maintain connections for your daughter, so unless there’s some backstory we’re not aware of I’d go to the Christmas dinner

ThisGoldFawn · 04/08/2026 19:25

I agree with other comments above. It seems like you will leave your daughter with no other family members apart from you which isn’t great when she is very antisocial as well. Can you encourage her to go alone?

Original poster

GenXandtired · 04/08/2026 22:33

Sorry, to be clear, I’m not talking about Christmas dinner itself. Just an annual dinner around Christmas. We spend Christmas alone because no one will spend it with us. And that’s fine. We have made it our peaceful pause. We do other social things with friends at other times.

I don’t know why the wider family don’t include us. It was their choice. It’s clearly not any kind of support network. She hasn’t seen ANY of them with the exception of this dinner for years. They do stuff together all the time, but they don’t ask us. And they don’t come to things I host. We are ALREADY no contact, but for this one annual dinner. For the last four years I’ve gone just because there will be drama if I don’t. I’m genuinely surprised she wants to go.

I am already low contact with my mother. She is still causing big problems and actively violates boundaries. I am ABSOLUTELY happy to facilitate my daughter to maintain contact with her cousins once removed - although I doubt they will reciprocate and I think that will hurt more - I just don’t want to be cornered and have abuse hurled at me again. It’s not acceptable and that’s that.

It’s just it’s such a token effort. If we go, I’ve got to keep appeasing my mother, which is very actively detrimental to both of us and is taking significant effort from me. And for what? Dinner, once a year? How does that make any difference to her life? A annual dinner is a LONG way from any kind of real supper. She won’t go alone and I will support her if I can’t think of anything better. I have tried to encourage her to see the family kids more often, but she doesn’t declines. I doubt she’ll go alone. I think she won’t be that bothered when she can socialise with a wider variety of people at college (she has very niche interests)

I would never prevent contact or expect her to follow suit. It’s completely her decision. I will actively facilitate contact, even with my mother, if my daughter wants that (she specifically doesn’t and has complained bitterly about my mother’s conduct and I’ve had to work hard to get her be social enough not to be rude lately). But clearly I can’t tell my mother we wish for her not to contact us, and then turn up this dinner, can I? (she doesn’t host. It will be in a function room, and it’s an all-day affair. Yes, my mother will DEFINITELY still make a scene if it suits her to)

OP posts:

Original poster

GenXandtired · 04/08/2026 22:42

JLou08 · 04/08/2026 18:58

I doubt many people with 0 family relationships are thriving. It's not what I'd want for my DC. I'd want them to have a good support and social network around them.

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It isn’t what I want either. But I’m not choosing to cut off a good and social support network. I’m choosing to cut off my abusive mother. And the exactly one dinner a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

GenXandtired · 04/08/2026 23:12

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 04/08/2026 19:01

It’s august. Can you wait to decide?

We are moving because my daughter wants to go to a city centre college in September. High school was tough and she wants it to be a new start. My mother has been controlling and hurtful for years. Managing it, even low contact is So. Much. Effort. And I would very much like to leave her behind, too. She knows where we are going (I have a flat I let there). She will likely kick off and come and hurl abuse at me (again). I’d like to get that over with and dealt with with a degree of finality, and I HOPE that can be done long before Christmas. I’m expecting to need some sort of legal order. She won’t respect anything less.

So, clearly, I cannot cut my mother off and go to the blasted dinner. It’s both or neither, whenever it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

GenXandtired · 04/08/2026 23:24

Pistachiocake · 04/08/2026 18:59

Exactly. And people don't always die/become seriously ill in the expected timeframes. So your daughter could be left only with her.
I would do everything I could to support as many relationships for my children as possible, even if that is difficult/problematic for me.

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I’m doing ok. And I grew up with a supportive family, and was close to my husbands family, until his mental health crisis. This isn’t within my control. Things change. Her adult relationships are her path to walk. She may or may not forge those relationships as adults and they may or may not last.

I can model forging new, healthy friendships. And I can model not tolerating abuse. I think that’s worth a lot of dinners. Parenting often seems to me to be small sacrifices for long term wins.

OP posts:

perlesoup · 04/08/2026 23:55

MagpiePi · 04/08/2026 18:43

Then she’ll have no relations she’s in touch with. Why is that a bad thing? Plenty of us get by without huge numbers of siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.

And presumably by the time the OP dies her daughter is likely to have a partner, perhaps children of her own or at the very least, some friends.

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It’s a bad thing bc the DD wants to be in contact with them.

perlesoup · 04/08/2026 23:56

GenXandtired · 04/08/2026 22:33

Sorry, to be clear, I’m not talking about Christmas dinner itself. Just an annual dinner around Christmas. We spend Christmas alone because no one will spend it with us. And that’s fine. We have made it our peaceful pause. We do other social things with friends at other times.

I don’t know why the wider family don’t include us. It was their choice. It’s clearly not any kind of support network. She hasn’t seen ANY of them with the exception of this dinner for years. They do stuff together all the time, but they don’t ask us. And they don’t come to things I host. We are ALREADY no contact, but for this one annual dinner. For the last four years I’ve gone just because there will be drama if I don’t. I’m genuinely surprised she wants to go.

I am already low contact with my mother. She is still causing big problems and actively violates boundaries. I am ABSOLUTELY happy to facilitate my daughter to maintain contact with her cousins once removed - although I doubt they will reciprocate and I think that will hurt more - I just don’t want to be cornered and have abuse hurled at me again. It’s not acceptable and that’s that.

It’s just it’s such a token effort. If we go, I’ve got to keep appeasing my mother, which is very actively detrimental to both of us and is taking significant effort from me. And for what? Dinner, once a year? How does that make any difference to her life? A annual dinner is a LONG way from any kind of real supper. She won’t go alone and I will support her if I can’t think of anything better. I have tried to encourage her to see the family kids more often, but she doesn’t declines. I doubt she’ll go alone. I think she won’t be that bothered when she can socialise with a wider variety of people at college (she has very niche interests)

I would never prevent contact or expect her to follow suit. It’s completely her decision. I will actively facilitate contact, even with my mother, if my daughter wants that (she specifically doesn’t and has complained bitterly about my mother’s conduct and I’ve had to work hard to get her be social enough not to be rude lately). But clearly I can’t tell my mother we wish for her not to contact us, and then turn up this dinner, can I? (she doesn’t host. It will be in a function room, and it’s an all-day affair. Yes, my mother will DEFINITELY still make a scene if it suits her to)

You can go NC whilst your DD remains in contact. I think you have got yourself tied up in knots here over something that’s actually not too difficult to manage.

Ocelotfeet27 · 05/08/2026 00:13

Just don't tell your mother you are going NC. Block her on everything and if she shows up just tell her she's not welcome at your new home and you don't want her to visit there any more. Go to the dinner but if it is unpleasant just leave immediately. But start as soon as you move forging new relationships for you and DD. You never know what life will throw at you and you need a good support network.

minipie · 05/08/2026 00:24

If your DD is very anti social but still really wants to go to this dinner then it must be very important to her. At least for now.

Can you grey rock your mother at the dinner. Even put in headphones if she starts up?
Or how about if you accompany DD to the door and sit outside, would DD go in alone if you were just outside?

maxslice · 05/08/2026 04:52

Jk987 · 04/08/2026 19:02

Why is it all or nothing? Your mother has done bad things and you don’t want contact, that’s ok. Your daughter can get the phone numbers of the rest of the family who she likes and they can message each other and meet up throughout the year to build relationships. She has a right to do this. She’ll be an independent soon unless her autism is bad.

Does she have similar age cousins? It would be a shame to not encourage her to have relationships with them. If your daughter really wants to go, would both of you be alright with you just dropping her off and picking her up later? I can understand cutting ties with your mother for whatever reason, but why the entire rest of the family?

Francestein · 05/08/2026 05:34

Is there a chance that your mother is going to be abusive or hurtful towards DD if you are not there to be her scapegoat? I would have that conversation with DD. She’s old enough for you to have that conversation, but being autistic, she may not pick up on the cues. Let her know that it’s too painful for you to go, and you don’t want your mother having access to your life anymore.

Francestein · 05/08/2026 05:35

BTW - the other members of the family have nothing to do with DD or OP for the rest of the year. Why do other posters keep bringing them up? Do they think that was going to change?

Likeiloveyou · 05/08/2026 06:19

If she wants to go to the Christmas meal she goes without you.

Elsvieta · 05/08/2026 06:30

Your daughter is old enough to decide who she sees and where she goes. If she doesn't want to go alone, fine, she doesn't go. If she doesn't want contact with people, she can block them. She's less than two years away from being an adult and needs to manage her own relationships.

Atchamps · 05/08/2026 06:46

So ONE meal
NOT on Christmas Day
Your DD is 16 not 6
So drop her off. Then pick her up afterwards.
No drama.

OneFunGreyFish · 05/08/2026 06:47

Why do they exclude you from everything else bar this one dinner? It's one dinner once a year, I'm pretty sure you can handle having hardly anything to do with any of them all year apart from this for the sake of your disabled daughter. I know it would feel real nice to cut your mother off, but you might just have to wait a few more years.

Atchamps · 05/08/2026 06:47

So you are moving very very imminently this is for college in September

Atchamps · 05/08/2026 06:48

Is your family saying that unless you attend, your daughter can’t attend?
No

So what’s the big deal. Your DD goes to this family meal not on Christmas Day. You do your own thing for a few hours, your DD comes back. Drama over. Done

PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ · 05/08/2026 07:23

A Christmas dinner sounds like a key tradition for your DD and as you know, autistic people hold on to routines hard.

I presume you've explained the implications of keeping the relationship going in order to attend?