AIBU to think "not wanting to ruin your body" is a perfectly valid reason not to have biological children?

Any reason is a valid reason to choose not to have a child.

It's obviously an incredibly shallow reason not to have a child when you do actually want to have a child though.

But it's up to you. No one has been harmed by you being incredibly shallow and a little boy has really benefited. Lets hope you don't bring him up to be so shallow and looks oriented though, that would be my concern.

If it is just one of many reasons then that is different. But that wasn't really what was suggested by your question.

Just to add to my post OP, despite wanting biological children I have a general disconnect about biology too, many adopted people have. I have 9 half siblings that are a few hours away and I honestly couldn't be arsed to meet them. That's before I consider cousins, aunts, uncles. There are 2 entire clans out there that I give no thought to. My sister and friend share this view. In theory if I donated eggs I wouldn't think of it much. I don't feel DNA is important. I really struggle to understand people obsessing over long lost cousins and half uncles. Those reality shows where they make a drama out of everything really annoy me! But to be fair many people hold a different view.

Any reason is valid. To register a "normal" birth you need a live baby and a vaginal delivery. How you get there is not important. Fuck that.

The misogyny is breathtaking.

I have a friend who absolutely hated the idea of pregnancy and birth and always said if she ever had children it would be through adoption. As it happens she changed her mind and is childless but it's the same approach as you OP. I never questioned it. For me having a biological child was very important. I felt a physical urge to be pregnant. Part of it for me was also a biological connection because I was adopted. Funnily enough my (non bio) sister like your Dh was also adopted and liked the idea of continuing the tradition and adopting too, but she and her Dp didn't pursue because we live somewhere where it is virtually impossible to adopt. They had their own biological children. We both share a positive view of adoption. So you are not entirely alone in your view. I think what you have done is admirable and noble actually, especially the egg donation. The element of not wanting to ruin your body does come off as a bit shallow to be honest, but it's also valid. Most women are not ruined by pregnancy and most of my friends believe the relentless sleepless nights and stress of parenthood does more damage than pg and birth. It's worth bearing in mind you might find ageing more difficult because you have more to lose and you obviously have a lot of your confidence and identify tied up in your body. The reality is when people do anything deemed unconventional people will question it and struggle to understand.

I totally see where you’re coming from and of course adopted children are family and should be treated as such. As long children have a loving home that’s all that matters. Let’s be honest, there are those who have biological children that are the worst parents imaginable.

I guess my thoughts are probably biased as once I met my husband I knew that I wanted children with him. Had we been unable to do so, we’d probably have adopted.

I think you're totally within your rights to not have children for whatever reasons OP, and if you want to adopt, good for you.

Can I ask though - are you not at all curious to one day meet the child that came from your egg? Even just to see what they look like? Are you not concerned about how their life may turn out? What if they want to meet you in later life?

I think your first post was disingenuous but you've now explained further.

I think you had stronger reasons than most for adopting, but it doesn't sound like your body was the primary reason.

I also think it's dangerous to equate adoption with having a biological child - the former has some of the same challenges as the latter, but many different ones.

Don't think for a minute many of us weren't worried about the effects on our bodies before and when we were pregnant. Going up a size or two is trivial (to me) but I do feel strongly about birth injuries that could have been avoided by our current poor maternity services.

Also agree with a PP that it would be highly insensitive to mention this to anyone who's given birth - but you don't sound insensitive.

I would also say, that by definition, your DH has seen the most extreme situations, so his perspective is likely to be skewed.

I find the choice to adopt quite hard to understand to be honest- although it’s obviously fantastic that people do it. When you have children, the thing that you want the most is for them to have happy, privileged lives, so to knowingly create a family where the child(ren) are likely to have mental and physical health problems seems like setting yourself up for heartbreak. Not to minimise the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth, but for me they are not enough of a reason to adopt.

That said, it’s lovely to read a positive thread about adopting.

why on earth do you think having a baby means you can't have a toned stomach and have sagging breasts?

The funny thing is that if you are too toned too quickly in the public eye, people accuse you of having a surrogate 😂

Surely the ageing process comes to all eventually, birth or no birth. Pensioners arent known for perky breasts.

I don't think it's just about feeling like you've aged or got saggy bits! I don't have children and have never been fussed about having my own biological offspring and have always thought I would like to adopt, and may have with a different partner, however I was diagnosed with a condition at 20something which although it doesn't impact me in a serious way at the moment it was mentioned that it might leave me wheelchair bound if I was to become pregnant. Just as well I'm not inclined that way though fully aware some are, and indeed enough to WANT to be surrogates for others.

I think I heard (too many) women coming up with the "peri-menopause/ menopause" excuse to justify letting themselves go, rarely pregnancy.

A few have suffered from a left-over excess belly soon after surgery which was obviously hard to get rid of, but that's it.

I think it’s strange because to me eggs are part of me and carry my DNA etc. They are not a commodity. It’s the same for sperm donors. If my husband was to donate sperm I’d think it weird that my children had half siblings we knew nothing about. Having said that, if people want to donate eggs etc then that’s their choice.

Even the birth mother?

Of course our bodies change as we get older, but what on earth is wrong with making choices which prolong physical health, fitness and appearance, such as not giving birth? Perhaps OP wants her 30s and 40s to be an extension of her 20s in that regard, and doesn’t want the sagging breasts, loose-skinned/untoned stomach etc.

I wonder if some people are objecting because there exists a legitimate way for a woman to pursue parenthood without destroying her body? Women having more choice and trying to have their cake and eat it always ruffles feathers (like men don’t do the same in almost every aspect of life…).

This sounds a completely win win situation for all involved.

Exactly! I was very slim and fit before I got pregnant both times and my body went back into shape quickly afterwards. I breastfed and lost weight very quickly. I also walked everywhere (no car) so stayed active.

I don’t know anyone whose body has been ruined by pregnancy/childbirth. This includes my mother who had seven children. Yes, there is a small risk of injury or death, as with many worthwhile activities in life. But pregnancy and breastfeeding reduce the risk of several cancers so the risks are not entirely balanced against childbirth.

I completely reject OP’s notion that having a baby = not looking after your body.

I said the child you love not that their birth mother loves and I don't know her circumstances
I am sure you do love him that he will have a good life with you. I don't dispute that .
I just feel very uneasy that one of your main reasons for adopting was not ruining your body .
Our bodies change as we get older anyway.

It’s not just vanity though is it. Pregnancy and childbirth carry risk of injuries and even death.

I completely understand anyone not wanting to go through it, even though I did but couldn’t due to fertility issues.

I think it is matter of perception whether or not child birth 'ruins' your body. I only gave birth once and have stretch marks and boobs were never quite as firm again after bf. However I always wanted to experience pregnancy and birth and find the whole process fascinating ( I would have had another but circumstances weren't right) I too am fit and ran half marathons when I was younger. Maybe 14 hours of labour gave me endurance! You don't need me to tell you that your experience of motherhood is any more or less valid than mine, just arrived at by a different way.