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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend making it about him

108 replies

PinkLipsticks · 04/08/2026 13:08

I am in my 40s, a lone mum with a 2yr relationship. At the moment I am doing lots of job interviews as my fixed-term contract is expiring. It is nerve-wracking to say the least and I am knackered and fraught, unable to truly relax on summer holiday with the kids.

Boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) has a stable, long term job he likes, but has kind of copied my recent activity and is now scouring lots of job sites for himself. He previously had no reason or wish to change, but instead of cooking me dinner and being my support during this time he is asking me to look over his CV and saying he's busy doing his LinkedIn and so on.

AIBU to think he should just stop and be stable for me these few weeks of intense interviews and stress? I feel upset and kind of like he is copying me and vying for the sympathy/attention,

YABU: No, he should be allowed to do his own time-consuming job search right now that needs engagement and support.
YANBU: He should stop and be supportive.

eta: And can anyone explain this behaviour?

OP posts:
Ruthietuthie · 08/08/2026 01:59

And SO MANY congratulations on the new job! Well done!

Ruthietuthie · 08/08/2026 01:57

My (deeply problematic) dad is like this. If someone or something else was getting attention, he suddenly has something that needs even more attention. When my new baby was born and my mum was giving the baby some attention, my dad bought a new iPad and had to keep drawing my mum's attention to its features.
It would be comical as it is so transparent if it wasn't so sad and dysfunctional.

He is showing his true colors, I am afraid.

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 08/08/2026 01:16

That is horrid @Negroany, what a prick.

OP posts:
Negroany · 07/08/2026 23:56

My ex was like this, turned everything into something about him. Even when I got my law degree with first class honours he told everyone I got it because he oversaw my studying (he didn't, obviously, but he did try to mansplain topics to ne that he had no idea about, and tell me how to revise - all of which I ignored).

Ex......

fivepastmidnight · 07/08/2026 23:49

Some people have to make everything about themselves and it sounds like he's one of them. you want somebody who's going to support you and you can support not who's going to be in competition with you about everything even things that are stressful.

Congrats on your new job though.

ScabbyHorse · 07/08/2026 23:44

Well done for getting the job! Concentrate on yourself and your child and career. He sounds tiresome and emotionally stunted.

outerspacepotato · 07/08/2026 23:34

PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:14

I am returning to this to say I got a job finally! Texted bf and he immediately started asking my opinion about something he was annoyed about. I’m so upset to be feeling red flags about this, it is ruining my job relief.

I bet you:'re so relieved, congrats on the job!

You BF will never be supportive. He's competitive and selfish and a bit of a misogynist. He didn't want to see you get a really good job. He's a what can you do for him guy. Sorry, throw this one back. Do the Freedom Program and read up on boundaries. Woman Who Love Too Much is excellent, so is Lundy Bancroft 's Why Does He Do That which is available as a free PDF.

knottywig · 07/08/2026 23:30

Congratulations on your new job.
I read something somewhere that men are threatened by their partners success and therefore don’t celebrate or try to minimise success and achievement. Hence why you got the man who tried to put his 2 young kids in front of their mum who was just about to win her half marathon, it’s sabotage and insecurity. Your boyfriend reeks of this. I hope he’s your ex soon. When someone shows your who they are, believe them.

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:29

Not tonight no! He’s at home with the phone off ruminating on his work thing.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 07/08/2026 23:28

PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:14

I am returning to this to say I got a job finally! Texted bf and he immediately started asking my opinion about something he was annoyed about. I’m so upset to be feeling red flags about this, it is ruining my job relief.

Congratulations. Is he cooking you a lovely congratulatory dinner or taking you out somewhere to celebrate?

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:26

I’ve read it sadly as before this I was in an abusive marriage. I really thought I’d healed, hence posting in shock. I really thought he was gentle and kind.

OP posts:
Fishpieandchips · 07/08/2026 23:25

Keep your eye on his next stunts..

Curleywoo · 07/08/2026 23:25

PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:14

I am returning to this to say I got a job finally! Texted bf and he immediately started asking my opinion about something he was annoyed about. I’m so upset to be feeling red flags about this, it is ruining my job relief.

Congratulations.
Well done.
He is a parasite.
Undoubtedly.
You really need to get away from him and focus on yourself.
I think you are far too giving and empathetic which has you attracting this needy, self absorbed type.

This is who he is. He will never change.

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood.

You deserve so much better than this loser.

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:22

Definitely normally yes I agree. Point of the thread was that I worry he’s doing it to minimise me.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 07/08/2026 23:20

He shouldn't be asking you for help but what he os doing is nothing to do with you, he has every right to look for jobs

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:19

I am relieved thanks! It hasn’t sunk in yet. I am a lone parent and am used to being anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:19

We’re very close— we’ve been together two years and see each other all the time. This is a shock realisation for me.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/08/2026 23:19

Congratulations btw !
you must be so relieved, happy and excited ?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/08/2026 23:18

he doesn't really care for you or about you.

Time to end it if you haven't already.

or just let it fizzle out - how long would it take him to realise he hadn't heard from you / seen you.

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 07/08/2026 23:14

I am returning to this to say I got a job finally! Texted bf and he immediately started asking my opinion about something he was annoyed about. I’m so upset to be feeling red flags about this, it is ruining my job relief.

OP posts:
YouMightLikeIt · 04/08/2026 20:39

I knew a whole family like this. I found it weird. One got a new car, they all got a new car. One went on holiday, everybody would also go on holiday. They seemed completely unable to think independently.

You may have simply inspired him. I hear you, though. It would be nice to have some emotional support.

Original poster
PinkLipsticks · 04/08/2026 20:35

Thanks @Bananalanacake I think sadly you are right. Just not weave him in to my essential stuff. I feel very down about it this evening. It’s hard enough at the moment already.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/08/2026 20:32

Don't tell him a bloody thing you're doing, feed him false information,,,, you're buying a camper van, you're going to breed ferrets in your garden. And definitely don't let him move in with you.

Aiming4Optimistic · 04/08/2026 18:30

I bet if you think back, it's always you doing all the supporting and 'propping up'.
Honestly, I'd throw this one back in the sea - he has absolutely no sensitivity or emotional intelligence.

No one decent says to their girlfriend, in your particular situation, that they fancy applying for the same job that you just mentioned applying for!
Sone posters are turning themselves into knots trying to excuse or justify his behaviour or being deliberately obtuse about his behaviour, but you know this isn't normal or acceptable. He's an arse, who will suck you dry if you let him - you'll never ever be able to need anything from him because there will always be something more important going on in his life, that requires all your time and attention. Like 'needing' you to read his CV and help him right now.
Just get rid and save yourself the mental energy you are spending on this selfish prick.

Tumbler2121 · 04/08/2026 18:29

Off subject but I find amusing . An earlier poster asked if he’d been to Eleveneriff .. locally it’s called black catting …

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