Boyfriend making it about him

Poor woman - I hope she leaves him. I think that when a person is generally kind and supportive, they can be in situations for a long time before noticing that support and propping up is only going one way! But once you see it, you can't unsee it. Nor should you. That's the time to get out of these relationships and start putting themselves first!

Because your job hunt put pressure on him to be a little bit supportive. That pressure to put you ahead of him for just a little bit brought out a really unattractive side he's kept hidden until now. There's a deep streak of entitlement there.

If you or your kids got sick, he would get sicker. He expects your attention and when you're focused on something else, he either competes with you or tries to get your attention back on him. At its core, he was trying to sabotage your job hunt.

And god help her if she ever became ill.
This type, like a lot of men, simply cannot cope.
My friend is suddenly incapacitated and her spend thrift husband of 30 years is stressed and snappy.

He goes on a lot of solo trips as she has always been the main earner and his trips will likely be impacted.

He is very quiet as well.
Very quiet, selfish and so focused on his needs being met.

He has already suggested that she move in with one of her two younger sisters, to be looked after so he can go on holiday.

Her sisters quickly told her absolutely no way.
Unlike her, they have children at home, work full-time and have no intention of being used so he can go on another walking/cycling/sailing trip.

Things are tense. I am being somewhat supportive, but have told her to look at paying for a private stay somewhere if he is determined to go on his holidays.

Expecting her sisters to care for her when they are so busy with their families, and she has a perfectly healthy husband who simply doesn't want to, is completely unreasonable.

I have been sympathetic but frank, in a similar situation I would be ending my marriage.
I wouldn't see the point of remaining married to him.

I suspect he won't go.
Not that he cares about her, but because the optics will be too stark and will draw huge attention.

The problem isn't him looking for a new job - it's the choice to do this at the exact same time as the OP (when she is under time pressure and he has no immediate need), and expecting OP to focus on his needs instead of her own and not being available to give her any support. Whenever she has a problem, he'll have a bigger one. Whenever she needs help, he will not he available because he will suddenly have his own all consuming thing going on.

I don’t see the problem with this really. He’s entitled to job hunt if he wants to.

If you were married with shared children it might be different but you are two independent family units.

While I can see why it might be irritating that he’s copied you, ultimately its up to him.

It's certainly puzzling behaviour but it also appears that this is the real him. The man behind the quiet job.

Huge congratulations OP.
I know it can be hard to be alone, but this is not a man you ever want to move in with.
He would compete with you, your children and undoubtedly be covertly abusive as he simply wouldn't be able to cope with your focus elsewhere.

He really isn't who you think he is.
This is a mask.
The real him is a horror of selfishness.
It often takes two years for the truth to emerge with such types.

I really hope you realise this and protect yourself and your children.

He will not change. Ever.

Congratulations on your new role!

I guess this has opened your eyes somewhat to the kind of man he is when you’re feeling the pressure. What you do with that info is up to you but it’s good to know!

He's competing with you for the same job? That is a big red flag!
Edited: got to the end of the thread now. Congratulations on the new job. I don't think much of this man. He foregrounds himself and 2 years into the relationship you still feel a lot of anxiety as a single mum. I know he isn't responsible for your child but your relationship should help you weather the difficulties. He sounds incapable of offering support and putting you first. He also sounds immature from what you've you've said about his expectations of being able to move into jobs for which he is not qualified. Either that or he is thick! Time to end it, I'd say.

Brilliant well done!

Hopefully you end your relationship now too. Your BF is selfish, insecure and wants all the attention on him. He’s not a partner

I know you’ve been with him for two years and you say he’s lovely in lots of ways. But this is the point where you need to decide whether on balance you can put up with occasional moments of needing to Elevenerife you (usually when you need his support the most), even if the rest of the time he’s lovely and brings joy to your life.

It could be that’s a trade off you’re happy to make, especially as it sounds like by definition you’re having to be strong, capable and solve your own problems for you and your kids when they arise. But are you ok knowing that when the shit hits the fan on current form you can’t rely on empathy or support from him? Do you have other friends or family who would help give you that support if you needed it?

Also I think the other key question is how would he react if you had a frank conversation about his behaviour over the last few weeks?

Congrats on the new role though - it’s brutal out there! (Another one living the contractor life, I usually work on 12-18 month type projects but the market finding the last two has definitely felt noticeably tougher than previously).

Huge congratulations OP!
Especially in the circumstances, you've done brilliantly to keep your focus.
I'm afraid you've got a bad one there. He is incapable of putting you at the centre of anything, at any time, for anything.
If you are still together when you start your new job, (I hope you're not) he will probably have quietly dropped the job search, but will suddenly have all sorts of challenges in his current job that will overshadow anything that is happening in yours.
In his world, you exist to be his support act, he is the star of his show.

Sorry this is happening OP. It does not sound supportive. I hope he at least congratulated you.

Congratulations @PinkLipsticks 🥂

I'm sorry this has highlighted his character/behaviour like this. I had an ex like this, I still have no idea why he was the way he was, but it was like he couldn't stand me having something more 'interesting' to talk about than him and would either be incredibly negative toward me about it, or try to do something similar but 'better'. Awful man, who is now apparently sad, bitter, and lonely, according to a mutual friend!

Very well done to you. Ignore him. He's an arse.

I really can't understand why anyone who is happy and in a stable job would actually want to throw themselves into the job market at all.

Job hunting is shit. Demoralising, disillusioning and full of rejection. If you can even get as far as interacting with another human. Why on earth anyone would put themselves there by choice, as he has, is beyond me. It must be some weird form of attention seeking.

He is nuts. You can't stop him though. Just be aghast at his madness.

Missed this post.

Congratulations OP. Well done. Please go and celebrate with people who are happy for you and cheer you on.

My cousin is married to this man - not much longer as they are separated. 🤞🏻

She had a horrendous time at work, resigned but won a big constructive dismissal case. Instead of supporting her, he had a massive tantrum and stormed out of his long term easy going job, vowing never to return. His employers were so shocked they called my cousin to offer help and say he was welcome back when he was better.

She used to think it was his way of showing empathy but realised it was all about attention. Whatever she was doing or going through, he does something similar and as you say in your post it becomes all about him and what he is doing or going through. She ends up making herself smaller so she can help him and support him etc.

Has your boyfriend for form for this? Has he done it before?

Oh well done! I obviously hadn’t read the full thread. I see he’s not someone who’s going to support you or celebrate you unfortunately. I’d go to dinner and invite friends who’ve been supportive. You can tell him this dinner so just for the people who have been supportive of my stressful time job hunting. You haven’t and haven’t even managed to congratulate me so you’re not on the list.

Including to say wow I might apply for that one? When she shares a job? That’s asshole behaviour.
message him; hi, I’m really stressed with job hunting as I need a job, and I can’t support you in your job hunting right now. You aren’t supporting me so I am surprised you expect support from me. I can’t even mention a job now since you seem to think you might start applying for the ones I’ve mentioned. That was pretty upsetting and makes it really difficult to spend time with you when I have to keep things secret since if I share you think that’s an invitation for you to be my direct competitor, and I think it’s best we not talk for a few weeks. Good luck in your job hunting.