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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD more than AIBU, tip run/strength issue

20 replies

Noodge · 04/08/2026 11:07

I have a lot of rubble in my garden as I am renovating it. My dad has been a lot of help with lending me tools and has done some jobs that I didn't have the skills and/or strength to do.

This morning he's told me he's booked a slot at the tip to tip the rubble.

We have already done one tip run a few weeks ago with some plastic boxes of rubble. We went in separate cars as more than several boxes of rubble. They're HEAVY!

While there, the tip guy was directing me to where to park so he could help with the load, and my Dad was shouting out of his car to park nearer him. When we got out, he continued shouting and swearing and the tip worker, not realising we were together said something to me about that he was going to have him (my Dad) removed. Then my Dad must've said something that identified that me and him were actually together and the guy said 'Oh are you together, never mind!'

I actually found this very embarrassing and I was quite scared, there's history, my Dad is an angry man always has been.

Not just that but at one point, me and my Dad were getting one box of rubble from the car and he was telling me to lift it and I said 'Dad, I can't!' I literally am not strong enough to lift them. I can carry them with my Dad ahold of the other end of the box but I can't actually lift them to get them into the skips.

If relevant, I am strong for my size, I work out almost every day Dad knows this, I am not a weak woman, but I am still a (small) woman, and coupled with my height (5"2) I literally could not maneuver the box upwards enough.

We managed it in the end probably with him doing most of the lifting and me just being a bit of help. That must've been a heavier box as I was okay with the others, they were still very heavy for me, mind, but I could just about lift them enough.

Anyway, after that trip, there was another one and he took my BIL with him instead which I assume was a lot less stressful for him (and me of course).

So he's now booked for me to go with him on Friday.

My thinking is, he has been a lot of help, this is my rubble, It's up to me to get rid of it, not Dad or BIL or anyone else. I understand that. However I am slightly miffed that he's booked it without even checking that I am free! He knows It's my day off but he doesn't know that I didn't have anything else on that day. And also, after last time, I feel that I am not the most suitable person to do it and I am scared that he'll become irate and angry again.

For context my Dad helps my BIL and Sister out a lot (they're unrelated but live very close) with all sorts of things, grunt work, lending tools, providing them with free booze when they visit, meals etc etc, what I am trying to say is BIL doing him a favour is fine, and not a huge ask given how much my Dad does for him. He's also a very strong bloke.

What would you do here? My current thinking is just go along and do my best, but I am not sure whether another in my position might protest! I could even ask one of my male friends to do it with him (and pay of course).

FWIW my Dad doesn't know what the tip guy said to me before he realised we were there together just separate cars.

YABU- your rubble, you shift it
YANBU-given what happened last time and the fact you're weak as hell compared to a man, Dad should ask BIL or a friend to go with him.

I am aware that perhaps he's already asked BIL and he's busy, given they went together last time.

OP posts:
AzureLurker · 04/08/2026 11:14

Neither really, your dad's reaction was disproportionate but surely he knows you can only do so much this time? I would give it another shot but make it clear beforehand that you need lifting? Fellow 5'2er here currently attempting to fill LARGE boxes for moving - even when willing and able you can only lift so much!

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 11:18

AzureLurker · 04/08/2026 11:14

Neither really, your dad's reaction was disproportionate but surely he knows you can only do so much this time? I would give it another shot but make it clear beforehand that you need lifting? Fellow 5'2er here currently attempting to fill LARGE boxes for moving - even when willing and able you can only lift so much!

His reaction was to me not parking where he wanted, rather following the tip man's instructions, not to me being unable to lift, just to clarify.

He also seemed very surprised that I wasn't as strong as he thought.

OP posts:
AzureLurker · 04/08/2026 11:27

Noodge · 04/08/2026 11:18

His reaction was to me not parking where he wanted, rather following the tip man's instructions, not to me being unable to lift, just to clarify.

He also seemed very surprised that I wasn't as strong as he thought.

Show quote history

Oh yes I see that now.
Better that than him assuming you can't isnt it! I've had that a few times, I enjoy being 'stronger than I look' 😂

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 11:51

Haha yes, I do understand that. And I too have often been told I am 'stronger than I look'. Had no bearing on these rubble-boxes though, honestly I really struggled. Might not make much sense but true! My biceps are noticeable in a T-shirt nowadays but still somehow useless in the tip situation!

OP posts:
DahliaDelights · 04/08/2026 11:59

Can you not get a skip? if there is that much rubble to clear, a mini skip i think is about £100 here. (or whatever the smallest skip is). Much less aggravation than multi tip trips and all the associated effort. Makes it less likely that dad will explode

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 12:14

DahliaDelights · 04/08/2026 11:59

Can you not get a skip? if there is that much rubble to clear, a mini skip i think is about £100 here. (or whatever the smallest skip is). Much less aggravation than multi tip trips and all the associated effort. Makes it less likely that dad will explode

This is the last lot (I hope) I think four boxes left. Not worth getting a skip. Although I do agree it would've made sense to do that in the first place!

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 04/08/2026 12:21

Can't you use more boxes but put less rubble in each one? Or get some rubble sacks if you don't have more boxes?

exhaustedandoverit · 04/08/2026 12:31

MagpiePi · 04/08/2026 12:21

Can't you use more boxes but put less rubble in each one? Or get some rubble sacks if you don't have more boxes?

This. When I had a load of sand to get rid of I had to just load the bags with an amount I could carry easily. It meant more bags but took a lot less time to actually get rid of them.

LilyOfTheValley25 · 04/08/2026 12:32

How old is your dad? I assume not in th first flush of youth.}
0i think it's a bit of a cheek on your part berating him for booking the yrip on your day off when you had nothing planned. It sounds like he does loads to help you and you are being churlish

Pootles34 · 04/08/2026 12:36

I would go alone, without him if you can get away with it, and just have smaller boxes of rubble. You said you could do the lighter ones, so just pack the boxes yourself, and make sure you can lift them all.

Better not to rely on unpleasant men.

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 12:59

LilyOfTheValley25 · 04/08/2026 12:32

How old is your dad? I assume not in th first flush of youth.}
0i think it's a bit of a cheek on your part berating him for booking the yrip on your day off when you had nothing planned. It sounds like he does loads to help you and you are being churlish

I did do have plans! I've had to forgo them. I have appointments in the afternoon and luckily he's booked a morning slot. But I wanted to walk the dog and go to the gym in the morning. Now I've got to walk the dog much earlier, and I can't go to the gym. It's fair enough, as he is helping, I understand that. But I'd never personally just book something and assume someone was free.

He has done a lot to help with the garden.

I don't believe that because you're helping someone you've the right to give them verbal abuse over very small matters however.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 13:01

Pootles34 · 04/08/2026 12:36

I would go alone, without him if you can get away with it, and just have smaller boxes of rubble. You said you could do the lighter ones, so just pack the boxes yourself, and make sure you can lift them all.

Better not to rely on unpleasant men.

The booking is in his name so I can't unfortunately. If I went alone, the tip guys would help, they won't do it when I've got a big burly man with me of course. I have recently moved closer to my parents, I have lived a long way from them for most of my adult life so this is a new thing for me having him around. I rarely ask for help, other than borrowing tools and one particular job which I wasn't strong enough to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 13:01

MagpiePi · 04/08/2026 12:21

Can't you use more boxes but put less rubble in each one? Or get some rubble sacks if you don't have more boxes?

This is what I would have probably done. My Dad has been instrumental in the packing of the boxes (which are his) unfortunately.

OP posts:
NotHisLastName · 04/08/2026 13:07

I wouldn't bite the hand that feeds.

Appreciate the time may not be your preferred time and it would be best for him to ask you, but unless you actually aren't free, I think you need to gratefully accept the help you're getting.

PS, I really don't like the phrase weak woman. I think that whole para was unnecessary. And moaning about moving your dog walk and gym time while your dad blocks out time and, quite literally, does the heavy lifting to clear your garden is an absolute piss take.

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 13:30

NotHisLastName · 04/08/2026 13:07

I wouldn't bite the hand that feeds.

Appreciate the time may not be your preferred time and it would be best for him to ask you, but unless you actually aren't free, I think you need to gratefully accept the help you're getting.

PS, I really don't like the phrase weak woman. I think that whole para was unnecessary. And moaning about moving your dog walk and gym time while your dad blocks out time and, quite literally, does the heavy lifting to clear your garden is an absolute piss take.

I was saying I was not a weak woman. How else could I have phrased that? If I was male and said 'I am not a weak man, I go to the gym a lot' would that be wrong too?

Some women are weak (as in weaker than they otherwise would be) due to illness or conditions that mean they can't do a lot. I was illustrating that I wasn't one of those, however the boxes are still too heavy for me to be of much help with.

I didn't moan about that at all. I haven't mentioned it to him. I was responding to a PP who said I 'didn't have plans'. I hadn't said I didn't have plans, and I actually did. That's not a moan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 13:32

LilyOfTheValley25 · 04/08/2026 12:32

How old is your dad? I assume not in th first flush of youth.}
0i think it's a bit of a cheek on your part berating him for booking the yrip on your day off when you had nothing planned. It sounds like he does loads to help you and you are being churlish

Sorry I missed part of this. No, he's not young. It's why I think someone stronger would be a lot more helpful for him, he's very strong but not as he used to be, and I am not much help.

Also it's not just that, It's that I do not want another scene at the tip either. I was hugely embarrassed! And if the man hadn't have thought what he did (It's okay for him to shout/swear because they're related) he may have still made my Dad leave and I don't know how that would have panned out unfortunately.

OP posts:
NotHisLastName · 04/08/2026 14:22

Noodge · 04/08/2026 13:30

I was saying I was not a weak woman. How else could I have phrased that? If I was male and said 'I am not a weak man, I go to the gym a lot' would that be wrong too?

Some women are weak (as in weaker than they otherwise would be) due to illness or conditions that mean they can't do a lot. I was illustrating that I wasn't one of those, however the boxes are still too heavy for me to be of much help with.

I didn't moan about that at all. I haven't mentioned it to him. I was responding to a PP who said I 'didn't have plans'. I hadn't said I didn't have plans, and I actually did. That's not a moan.

Show quote history

"I am not weak"

"The boxes were too heavy for me"

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 15:06

NotHisLastName · 04/08/2026 14:22

"I am not weak"

"The boxes were too heavy for me"

Show quote history

So it would be better to say 'I am not weak, but I am still a woman'?

What would I be saying the second sentence in replacement of?

You didn't answer my question.

OP posts:
NotHisLastName · 04/08/2026 15:22

Noodge · 04/08/2026 15:06

So it would be better to say 'I am not weak, but I am still a woman'?

What would I be saying the second sentence in replacement of?

You didn't answer my question.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry that I didn't answer your question. Your "if relevant" paragraph was irrelevant. You covered off perfectly sufficiently in your para above that you weren't strong enough to lift them. No extra information was needed.

Q: If I was male and said 'I am not a weak man, I go to the gym a lot' would that be wrong too?

A: Yes, because your sex has nothing to do with it.

Original poster
Noodge · 04/08/2026 15:34

NotHisLastName · 04/08/2026 15:22

I'm so sorry that I didn't answer your question. Your "if relevant" paragraph was irrelevant. You covered off perfectly sufficiently in your para above that you weren't strong enough to lift them. No extra information was needed.

Q: If I was male and said 'I am not a weak man, I go to the gym a lot' would that be wrong too?

A: Yes, because your sex has nothing to do with it.

Show quote history

Thank you for apologising.

Men generally are much stronger than women, and my Dad is much stronger than the average man of his height, weight and build. Those are facts, albeit unfortunate ones at times.

If I didn't go to the gym 6 days a week I doubt I'd have been able to lift any of them, hence thinking it might be relevant. I'd not be posting at all then, as my Dad wouldn't have ever considered me a suitable 'partner' to take to the tip. Part of the issue was his surprise that I struggled.

If it wasn't, fair enough. I always think that is a helpful caveat when for posting and reading threads. If anyone posts about a situation they are unsure about, they don't know some or all of what might be relevant to those they're asking for opinions, otherwise they would not be feeling the need to get advice.

Editing, I read/post too fast.

If a man posted here, I would think it would be relevant for him to clarify his sex. I've been burned because people have assumed I am a man, on more than one thread.

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