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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop inviting my daughter's friend because of concerns at home?

46 replies

Goditsmemargaret · 04/08/2026 09:05

This is about my Dd's bestie. TLDR aibu to stop inviting her places and roll back on the friendship due to strange home atmosphere even though my dd and her are mad about each other?

This is probably fairly boring to most people but I'm hoping someone will have some insight who went through similar.

DD is turning 8. Instead of the usual big party she wants to go to a local adventure attraction place with just three friends. I couldn't afford to take a bigger group anyway as it's 50 each then we are coming home to ours for some planned activities and a cake. I need to book now as it's likely to sell out.

The three friends are BFF Emma plus other close friends of my dad Barbara and Millie (all names are fake). Emma is crazy about my DD (it's mutual) and loves coming to ours for playdates and for days out. I've heard some worrying stuff though from the other girls, she tries to turn them against my dd or can be mean to my DD. It's only when there's a playdate organised with one of the other girls - it's obvious she wants my dd all to herself but I encourage my dd to have multiple friendships.

To me this is part of navigating friendships, jealousies, group dynamics etc. I speak to my DD about it.

However I have increasing concerns about Emma's home life. The playdates and - often expensive - days out have never been reciprocated despite me getting on very well with the mum. We live in a beautiful area and do very cheap days out too with picnics or just playgrounds in the parks. I decided ages ago to not expect it to be reciprocal and that's ok. Millie's parents are always reciprocal, we have become friends with the parents over time and would be happy for dd to go for sleepovers at some stage. I wouldn't even want DD in Emma's house for a daytime playdate now. Barbara has a very busy house and I wouldn't expect a return invitation but the mum always gives me a prompt reply.

In the past Emma's mum has accepted invitations, I've paid for tickets and then when I've messaged to arrange pickup cancelled last minutes with just a whoops sorry I forgot, we are away overnight now.

Another time I took all the girls to an expensive show then dropped them home. I was at the front door with Emma which opened a crack, the mum pulled her inside and didn't speak to me at all. It gives me chills to think about it. Emma had been very withdrawn all day. I wondered was the mum hiding as she had bruises on her. As I said we get on well and she's often been in my house for coffees and chats.

I feel really sad about Emma as I know from what she tells me that there are stresses at home and she loves being with us. Truthfully I was that child that other families invited out with them and took an active interest in. All my happy childhood memories are with other families. I don't know if this is affecting my perspective.

Now I'm getting to the aibu part finally - apologies I took so long.

My dd keeps asking if there's a reply yet from Emma for her birthday. She really wants her to be there. I've bought the other tickets and they are due to sell out. I've asked twice and the mum has sent back oh gosh sorry I haven't given a definite answer but I will let you know today. I'm getting quite pissed off about it now. We are tight on money at the moment so I definitely won't be buying a spare ticket. I've been left out of pocket before. There isn't really a replacement person either to invite last minute.

Her birthday is in two days, we have been planning for about a month so the families got loads of notice.

Yabu - leave the invitation open until the last minute and hope there are still tickets
Yanbu - talk to your dd now, explain Emma won't be coming. Even if the mum accepts say it's too late, no tickets left.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 07/08/2026 16:26

TerribleEntrepreneur · 07/08/2026 13:50

I think I was Emma when I was a child. Fortunately my 'difficult home life' didn't make my friends' parents withdraw from me. Their homes were a safe haven, they modelled a normal healthy household to me, and it meant a lot to me and still does that they let me in.
Sadness isn't contagious OP. Your child won't be harmed by dint of hanging around with a generally well-behaved child who's facing challenges. In fact, it'll probably help her grow into an empathic person.
I can understand you not wanting your dd to go to Emma's house, and of course dealing with the mum must be a pain (mine definitely was and I'm very grateful to the parents of friends who carried on being kind to me despite it) but please don't hold back a friendship that clearly means a lot to both.

You've misunderstood me. I was definitely Emma, my few happy memories took place in other people's homes. I was wondering if this was colouring my view; I'm so keen to provide the safe haven for Emma I'm forgetting my own child in all of this.

OP posts:
TerribleEntrepreneur · 07/08/2026 13:50

I think I was Emma when I was a child. Fortunately my 'difficult home life' didn't make my friends' parents withdraw from me. Their homes were a safe haven, they modelled a normal healthy household to me, and it meant a lot to me and still does that they let me in.
Sadness isn't contagious OP. Your child won't be harmed by dint of hanging around with a generally well-behaved child who's facing challenges. In fact, it'll probably help her grow into an empathic person.
I can understand you not wanting your dd to go to Emma's house, and of course dealing with the mum must be a pain (mine definitely was and I'm very grateful to the parents of friends who carried on being kind to me despite it) but please don't hold back a friendship that clearly means a lot to both.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 07/08/2026 13:21

Ok so Emma is coming apparently. Coincidentally Millie cancelled with a legitimate reason so I had a spare ticket. I sent a fairly direct message to Emma's mum saying will you please give me an answer. She apologised and accepted.

To answer some questions -

I have never seen any bruises. I have seen Emma very withdrawn and sad looking. I know the dad from the school gates and honestly he seems lovely so it's not a personal instinct against him that's driving these concerns.

It's Emma herself - she says things like "trust me, you don't want to know my dad... " How she's happy he doesn't come on holiday etc. My dd said she gets really worked up if she gets a speck on her clothes as her dad will be angry. Emma is always asking me when she can come to ours.

Apart from all of that the parents are really friendly to us, especially the mum who I have spent multiple evenings in the company of.

Money is tight for them. The mum is an entrepreneur like me. The dad is doing shift work and had hurt his back for a long time. He was sleeping downstairs during the day - this could well have explained the front door incident which was extremely weird. I know a pp said she'd also do this but it was more than simply being too busy to chat. The mum could see me through the door so to not even open up and give a cursory thanks so much was very odd.

Emma has no siblings.

We are not wealthy either, not at all. When I said expensive days out, I meant we budget for paid activities so it's annoying to have a cinema ticket or soft play go to waste.

However most of the playdates are free; picnics on the green or playground or similar. We might walk to get an ice-cream. We aren't big spenders.

Thanks for all the replies. Fingers crossed the birthday goes well and if I have any future concerns I'll mention them to the school. I'll continue to organise playdates and encourage my dd to have other friends too.

OP posts:
Newstart3 · 07/08/2026 00:12

I would be concerned about Emma and Emma's mum. Safeguarding should be he concern here not tickets. However two things can be true at the same time and it's still you daughters birthday and she still wants Emma there. I would continue to contact the mum to encourage Emma to be at the event. I would continue to try and engage with Emma's mum and it would spoke a safeguarding concern should be raised to check all Is ok. If she was just being flakey I would agree to pull back but sounds like it's possible there is more to it.

Morganrae1 · 06/08/2026 22:34

Does Emma ever have bruises? If so you need to tell someone.On the matter of the tickets I think Emma's Mum has decided that Emma is not going and for some reason won't say.
Are your daughter and Emma always together in school? Maybe they have grown apart and Emma doesn't want to go. Either way don't buy a ticket and invite her round to yours after for cake and fun.

AreYouAGod · 06/08/2026 20:58

Have you considered that perhaps these expensive ‘days out’ make her mum uneasy? I’m sure she doesn’t want her daughter to miss out, but maybe she can’t afford a gift for a friend who is taking her to a £50 a ticket event. Or maybe it’s another ‘day out’ for Emma that her siblings never get and causes conflict and resentment.

You are being really generous but maybe your extravagance is off putting and showy to the other mum.

If her home life is chaotic and there are safe guarding concerns there may well be tension over money.

I can appreciate it’s hard being let down financially but if your daughter’s BFF is in need of a safe space and positive role models and you could be that for her, you could have a real impact on her life.

Maybe suggest cake and a playdate the day after her birthday just the two of them.

SandAndSea · 06/08/2026 19:45

You could send her a link to the tickets saying that your DD would love her DD to be there and leave it with her to book her own ticket. If she shows up you can always refund her.

Lollipop81 · 06/08/2026 19:02

your comments make me concerned for this little girl. Is she ok? Don’t ever be afraid to report abuse of you think there is something more sinister going on.

TheBlueKoala · 04/08/2026 11:31

@Goditsmemargaret I would message mum to say that tickets are now sold out but Emma is welcome to have cake at our house at x o clock . Explain to your daughter that Emma wanted to come but her parents didn't confirm her presence so no tickets available.

honeylulu · 04/08/2026 11:26

Don't message again about the tickets, the mum knows. If she says yes and there then arent any tickets left that's not your fault. If she says no or doesn't answer then you haven't wasted money. I would probably avoid inviting her to stuff that involves expensive tickets.

But definitely continue to include her in other less formal playdate stuff. You have concerns and it's best to keep an eye out and it gives Emma a safe space if she wants to confide anything.

User7989776 · 04/08/2026 11:22

Goditsmemargaret · 04/08/2026 11:13

I don't understand the question. It started as me organising playdates with a little girl in her class that she liked. Over the years a pattern developed.

My concern and yes frustration has grown. I wanted to get some other opinions of how to proceed here.

Show quote history

This sounds exactly like a girl from DD's class and we're not pursuing the friendship anymore. The difference is that she tends to be a frenemy so she's mean to her friends as well, tells lies about other girls and very dominant in forcing other girls to be her best friend.

Tbh money or reciprocity isn't a key issue. I would be happy to pay for things if DD wants a friend there and won't expect anything in return. You can't put a price on a childhood memory after all. But it's the "concerns at home" that also bother me a bit. I feel the girl comes from an unsettled home environment. We know both parents but you never really know what goes on behind closed doors or inside a marriage.

I worry that if the friendship continues, she'll end up dragging DD into some dodgy situations that might be normalised for her. Definitely not comfortable at all with having a sleepover at their house so at the moment we have a no sleepovers anywhere rule.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 04/08/2026 11:13

CurlewKate · 04/08/2026 10:41

Why did you start with reciprocity if you think the mother is being abused??

I don't understand the question. It started as me organising playdates with a little girl in her class that she liked. Over the years a pattern developed.

My concern and yes frustration has grown. I wanted to get some other opinions of how to proceed here.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 04/08/2026 10:42

And why would you stop inviting the daughter? You may be providing her with a safe haven.

CurlewKate · 04/08/2026 10:41

Why did you start with reciprocity if you think the mother is being abused??

Mulledjuice · 04/08/2026 10:38

If you suspect Emma's mother is being abused then there's much more to this than someone being flakey and inconsiderate.

It would have been great if you could have invited the mum for coffee - you say she has been before - and said then that you will need to book the tickets so can she confirm Emma will be coming.

Would you consider inviting Emma to stay the night before the outing?
If the tickets sell out so quickly can you buy one in the knowledge that you will be able to sell it on if she doesn’t show?

Also, it sounds as though you have safeguarding concerns about Emma and you should let school know.

Malinia · 04/08/2026 10:34

I think for me it would depend what kind of event it is. If it's like the theatre where you have to buy the tickets because you're going to be sitting next to each other and you can't buy another one later because it will be in a different place then I would just draw a line under it now and explain to your daughter that unfortunately they didn't reply and so they're not coming.

But if it's something like a festival where you can buy tickets at any point and still be with your friends then I would buy her a ticket and I think if it's due to sell out because it's popular then you will be able to sell that ticket on to somebody else if they pull out.

My local Facebook groups are always full with people selling tickets to events like that where someone is no longer able to attend and they are always snapped up with lots of people wanting them.

I get the sense though that this isn't about the party and that this is about you wanting to pull away from the friendship completely but I think that's a bit unfair given that you don't really have anything except the mum's flakiness to hold against her, and it does sound as if she might be in a domestic violence situation in which case I would expect you to have a little more empathy and compassion if I'm honest.

Moonnstarz · 04/08/2026 10:29

I think you need to explain to your DD that Emma hasn't replied and you need to book the tickets so sadly Emma can't make it. Perhaps suggest a play date at home or a park trip where there are no costs involved.

I don't think there is any point in chasing any more. You have already followed up and mum has not been able to commit, so I would now leave it.

itsgettingweird · 04/08/2026 10:27

I wouldn’t chase Emma’s mum.

Of you posh for an answer because the tickets are selling out she may just say yes to make sure the ticket is available - and then let you down last minute again anyway.

Just text her and say - sorry it’s too late to get a ticket now.

Wherethedogsits · 04/08/2026 10:21

She’s not RSVPd so don’t buy a ticket but don’t try to stop the friendship due to Emma’s home life.

My home life was chaotic (understatement) and I lost so many friends. I really needed a friend and a to see what normal was.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 04/08/2026 10:14

Poppingby · 04/08/2026 09:44

No, they lost touch when they went to different secondary schools. In some ways I was glad about that because she did make DD's life complicated a lot, but I think about her and her mum often and hope they are all right.

FYI every time something happened that made me feel weird like the doorstep thing you describe I had a word with the safeguarding lead at school. She never said anything about it but kind of collected the info with a nod. I felt like I'd done what I could to build a picture for anyone looking if it became relevant without making a big horrible and disruptive fuss about it.

Show quote history

Good call, I hadn't actually thought about the safeguarding lead at school. I'm not in the UK so not sure if it's the same title here.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/08/2026 09:59

I think I’d message to say if you don’t get a definite yes by midday, unfortunately you won’t be able to get a ticket.

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 04/08/2026 09:55

I would keep the invite open till the last minute but that’s because I would have someone to fill it last minute (my kids have a lot of cousins so I’d just abduct one of them for a day out). I also wouldn’t stop a friendship like this because I would be concerned and want to keep and eye on the kid. However, if I did catch her being mean to my DD or anything like that I’d tell her off. I have no issue telling off other people’s kids though, so you need to decide if you’re willing to actually tell her off if she is being mean.

Poppingby · 04/08/2026 09:44

Goditsmemargaret · 04/08/2026 09:31

Oh so you get it! How did things pan out - did the girls stay friends into their teens.

Show quote history

No, they lost touch when they went to different secondary schools. In some ways I was glad about that because she did make DD's life complicated a lot, but I think about her and her mum often and hope they are all right.

FYI every time something happened that made me feel weird like the doorstep thing you describe I had a word with the safeguarding lead at school. She never said anything about it but kind of collected the info with a nod. I felt like I'd done what I could to build a picture for anyone looking if it became relevant without making a big horrible and disruptive fuss about it.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 04/08/2026 09:36

mindutopia · 04/08/2026 09:32

I would say that you are buying tickets today at 2pm. You need to know by then that she is coming or you won’t buy her a ticket. The girls would really love for her to come, so please let you know.

I wouldn’t overthink the rest of it. I don’t often reciprocate play dates. It’s because we’re busy. Dh works from home and I can’t have screaming kids running around during a work day. My eldest has an after school job and trains and competes at the national level in a sport. I spend a lot of my out of school hours being a taxi driver to job and training and my 8 year old has to come along. I also have cancer (which you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking at me). I spend a lot of time at the hospital or resting after treatment when I’m not taxiing. It’s not because home life is bad that we don’t have many play dates, it’s because we’re busy have such a full life.

Sonetimes I barely open the door when people come to drop off. It’s not because I’m hiding bruises. It’s usually to keep the dog from escaping. Sometimes I’m half dressed because people have turned up at an awkward time. It sounds a bit like you are catastrophisising it all.

As for the invite, you need to be firm. Give a deadline. Say you absolutely will not buy her a ticket. Say you will ring at 2pm if no response and then call her. If no luck, don’t buy the ticket. Unfortunate, but that’s life.

But keep the door open to play dates. Likely the relationship will fizzle out towards end of primary anyway. My dd had a friend like this, very bestie clingy sort of friend, could be awful to others, problematic home life. They are in secondary now and not friends anymore. The friend has gone off with the girls who are into boys and drinking and vaping in the park. Dd now has a new set of very lovely sporty friends who are not drinking or vaping in the park. They find their people, but it sounds like it would be nice to facilitate the friendship for now.

Yeah you see this is bang on - I could totally be making something out of nothing. My home life was crap and other parents were so kind to me. It has coloured my view like all of us are coloured by our own life experiences.

OP posts:
Blissybop · 04/08/2026 09:35

I would send a final text and just say you’ve spoken to the the venue and tickets are final release/very close sold out so you’ll be purchasing them at 2pm today. If she doesn’t have an answer yet you’ll assume she isn’t coming as you won’t be able to source a ticket for her after that.

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