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Original poster

AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

116 replies

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:16

Me and my partner have a great relationship but both struggle with anxiety and it sometimes affects our sex life. We’ve been together almost 20 years. We had a rough patch (relationship in general) a couple of years ago and would argue every week. In the middle of one of these arguments, out of nowhere (at least I felt like it was out of nowhere) he said something to the effect of “you’ve not given me a blowjob for a decade”.

Obviously it really pissed me off because it was not even remotely true and when I’ve tried to be a spicy with him he often gets awkward about it. He says he gets anxious and for a long time he’s told me when I demand too much from him sex-wise it gives him performance anxiety. So it pissed me off even more that he would make a comment like that which obviously would lead to performance anxiety for me.

I told him to take the comment back, which he did. But to the damage was done, it completely put me off oral. Haven’t done it since, almost two years I think, but honestly can’t remember…

Thoughts?

Advice on how to get past this if you have any?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2026 02:43

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 01:54

@HundredMilesAnHour Yes, I agree that’s the point of counselling. Personally, I enjoy counselling even though it stirs up negative or suppressed feelings etc. He says if just makes everything worse for him.

I’ve wondered whether part of his hang up is that I had my fair share of “experiences” before we met, we talked openly about this stuff when we first met (we were just friends at first), but he seems to have committed it all to memory.

So when I suggest spicy stuff or make bold advances I get the sense that he links it to these stories he heard years and years ago… which is crazy. This, I think, is what gives him performance anxiety.

Do you like him? Because he sounds awful. Seriously why would you put up with this insecure, negative, anxious, paranoid person who shovels his sexual anxieties onto you by the truckload? He is massively and unreasonably anxious about his masculinity (performance anxiety, jealousy, fear of your infidelity) and choses to externalize it into you. And he won’t do anything about it for your sake or for his?

I hate hearing about these crap men. Why settle for someone with such a fragile ego?

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/08/2026 02:06

@nilbyemouth do you think he does actually want to improve things between you? He seems like someone who sticks his head in the sand with no inclination to change and/or make things better? Given that you’ve been together 20 years, surely it shouldn’t matter what you did before you got together. I mean 20 years! How can he still be insecure? It sounds like he’s the one who really needs therapy rather than you. In fact I’m starting to wonder if he is actually a contributing factor to YOUR anxiety.

Original poster
nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 01:54

@HundredMilesAnHour Yes, I agree that’s the point of counselling. Personally, I enjoy counselling even though it stirs up negative or suppressed feelings etc. He says if just makes everything worse for him.

I’ve wondered whether part of his hang up is that I had my fair share of “experiences” before we met, we talked openly about this stuff when we first met (we were just friends at first), but he seems to have committed it all to memory.

So when I suggest spicy stuff or make bold advances I get the sense that he links it to these stories he heard years and years ago… which is crazy. This, I think, is what gives him performance anxiety.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 04/08/2026 01:42

He doesn’t want to do counselling, says it stirs up too many negative feelings.

But isn’t that the whole point @nilbyemouth ? He can’t resolve those feelings if he won’t actually face up to them. I don’t understand why he finds it acceptable to say things that hurt you yet when you say anything back, he says you’re causing his performance anxiety. There’s a bigger underlying issue here.

Original poster
nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 01:33

Sashya · 04/08/2026 00:57

OP - have you tried counselling, either individual, or as a couple?
You are feeling defensive now and dismissing comments that state that your reaction is really over the top. But, the truth is that for a relationship of 20 years - this all sounds very strange.
You are mature adults that have been together for ages. Oral sex is not something "spicy", and talking about it - or the lack of it, whether real or imagined should not be this huge anxiety generating event.
And the impact it had on you - having happened a couple of years ago - again is not within what most people would consider unusual, or normal for a mature relationship.

So - I don't think discussing this on MN would help you. Talking with a professional, who could possibly help you re-frame how you look at your sex life.
(separately - the fact that you immediately imagined infidelity from that one comment about absence of blowjobs is also something strange, and counselling can help you figure out why your mind went there)

Thanks for this. I am dismissing comments that are dismissing my feelings. I was hurt by the (BS) comment he made and i’ve explained why. I stand by that. But I appreciate the situation is unusual, that’s why I’m asking for thoughts and advice.

He doesn’t want to do counselling, says it stirs up too many negative feelings. I’ve done counselling but not for this specifically.

BTW - when I mentioned spicy I wasn’t talking about just giving oral - I agree that isn’t inherently spicy.

My mind went to infidelity because for a really long time in our relationship he would behave as if I constantly had the opportunity to cheat and would ask me to not cheat on him, sometimes daily (as he left for work in the morning). He says it’s due to his insecurities/anxiety/whatever but the point is he put that idea in my head. He doesn’t do that (ask me not to cheat) anymore because I made it clear it was not helpful at all and made me stressed and paranoid.

OP posts:
Sashya · 04/08/2026 00:57

OP - have you tried counselling, either individual, or as a couple?
You are feeling defensive now and dismissing comments that state that your reaction is really over the top. But, the truth is that for a relationship of 20 years - this all sounds very strange.
You are mature adults that have been together for ages. Oral sex is not something "spicy", and talking about it - or the lack of it, whether real or imagined should not be this huge anxiety generating event.
And the impact it had on you - having happened a couple of years ago - again is not within what most people would consider unusual, or normal for a mature relationship.

So - I don't think discussing this on MN would help you. Talking with a professional, who could possibly help you re-frame how you look at your sex life.
(separately - the fact that you immediately imagined infidelity from that one comment about absence of blowjobs is also something strange, and counselling can help you figure out why your mind went there)

Fortnightly · 04/08/2026 00:55

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:48

Cool, I think you’re a little strange for not having anything more constructive to add

Show quote history

How about ‘just give him a blow-job’ and move on. Or don’t and tell him why - then move on.

Or LTB!

CheeseStrings55 · 04/08/2026 00:53

I think there's likely bigger issues at play here with communication in general. Counselling maybe?

Happyjoe · 04/08/2026 00:51

If you are unable to sit down calmly and talk about now, or over the last 2 years, how is he supposed to know that what he said is the reason why your sexual relationship has changed?
I think if you can, pick a moment when both in a good mood and have a chat to move forward.

Original poster
nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:48

Fortnightly · 04/08/2026 00:45

I think you’re both a little strange to be getting performative anxiety from ‘nothing’ comments.

It was a lie. Not hurtful. Stupid if anything.

Show quote history

Cool, I think you’re a little strange for not having anything more constructive to add

OP posts:
Fortnightly · 04/08/2026 00:45

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:27

Yes. Really weird. AND hurtful because (as i’ve now said 3 or 4 times) if I had said something like that to him he would have complained about getting performance anxiety from it. I have to tiptoe around requests from him meanwhile he says weird shit like that to me in the middle of an argument

Show quote history

I think you’re both a little strange to be getting performative anxiety from ‘nothing’ comments.

It was a lie. Not hurtful. Stupid if anything.

maxslice · 04/08/2026 00:41

ohyesiseethatnow · 04/08/2026 00:21

I don’t really get it.

You give him regular blowjobs.

he says “you haven’t given me a blowjob in a decade!”

that’s not hurtful….its just weird. It is technically a lie, yes, but he knows that YOU know that you HAVE given him blowjobs…..so it’s just weird?

It’s hurtful if she’s hurt.

maxslice · 04/08/2026 00:39

HollyhocksandPeons · 04/08/2026 00:08

But that is because you are NORMAL.

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You both have my sympathy.

Original poster
nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:39

JMSA · 04/08/2026 00:34

A big deal over nothing, sorry.

Super unhelpful comment, sorry.

OP posts:
JMSA · 04/08/2026 00:34

A big deal over nothing, sorry.

2026newname · 04/08/2026 00:34

@ohyesiseethatnow She hasn’t done it in 2 years it’s in the OP.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 00:31

I think if you’ve been together for 20 years but are a) still getting anxiety about sex together, b) dwell on a throwaway angry remark for two years and c) aren’t able to actually talk about these things together, what you both need is some fairly extensive therapy because this relationship sounds very odd, repressed and dysfunctional to me.

Sensiblesal · 04/08/2026 00:31

He exaggerated in an argument and your response has been to prove him right and not give him a blow job for 2yrs. Meanwhile he is still giving you oral but you don’t enjoy it.

how have you been together 20yrs and not learnt how to communicate with each other?

what he said wasn’t hurtful, your anxiety is telling you it was hurtful. I think there is a difference/nuance in that.

work on the anxiety maybe and communicate with your partner

WinterSunglasses · 04/08/2026 00:28

Your sex life sounds fraught with anxiety. Was it very different once upon a time? If you want to stay married it makes sense to me to try and get past this so you can return to enjoying sex. Counselling with a therapist who deals with sexual issues would seem like a way forward.

Original poster
nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:27

ohyesiseethatnow · 04/08/2026 00:21

I don’t really get it.

You give him regular blowjobs.

he says “you haven’t given me a blowjob in a decade!”

that’s not hurtful….its just weird. It is technically a lie, yes, but he knows that YOU know that you HAVE given him blowjobs…..so it’s just weird?

Yes. Really weird. AND hurtful because (as i’ve now said 3 or 4 times) if I had said something like that to him he would have complained about getting performance anxiety from it. I have to tiptoe around requests from him meanwhile he says weird shit like that to me in the middle of an argument

OP posts:
ohyesiseethatnow · 04/08/2026 00:21

I don’t really get it.

You give him regular blowjobs.

he says “you haven’t given me a blowjob in a decade!”

that’s not hurtful….its just weird. It is technically a lie, yes, but he knows that YOU know that you HAVE given him blowjobs…..so it’s just weird?

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 00:21

HollyhocksandPeons · 04/08/2026 00:08

But that is because you are NORMAL.

Show quote history

You think it’s abnormal for people to give each other oral sex?

Christ alive, this forum is deranged.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 00:19

GourmetGardener · 03/08/2026 23:32

Personally can't stand giving oral or receiving it tbh. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me want to heave! Fortunately my dp doesn't enjoy giving it either so we don't really bother. Lots of other fun to be had where you are both enjoying it!

That’s not really the point of the OP’s dilemma.

Fortnightly · 04/08/2026 00:19

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:11

@HundredMilesAnHour

Agree that it’s too long - it’s why i’m looking for some advice (thanks for your suggestion).

I’m honestly worried about how to even bring it up and - just being honest here please don’t all have a go at me - after a stalemate this long it feels like losing a battle… almost humiliating. But I obviously don’t want it to go on forever!

Edited

You’ve been together 20 years, so just blurt it out! Surely after this length of time together all topics can be discussed.

Ive been with my H 26 years and I certainly wouldn’t hold back if I had something to say.

Original poster
nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:11

@HundredMilesAnHour

Agree that it’s too long - it’s why i’m looking for some advice (thanks for your suggestion).

I’m honestly worried about how to even bring it up and - just being honest here please don’t all have a go at me - after a stalemate this long it feels like losing a battle… almost humiliating. But I obviously don’t want it to go on forever!

OP posts: