AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

@mtobrokeme Sadder place for you maybe, not the world though eh?
He's also saying he likes something that they aren't having. It's sensitive and shouldn't be used as a weapon in public to make OP feel bad. He's trying to bully her into BJs.
Would you love your oral sex as much if you knew your partner didn't want to do it?

He didn’t make the first comment about blowjobs though. Her friend did. And actually, yes, the world be a sadder place if I didn’t get oral sex! That’s not snide it’s just acknowledging he likes a blowjob after someone else brought it up.

Because he made a snide comment recently about BJs to their friends in front of OP.

Right, but this is some time ago now? You had a rough patch a few years ago where he moaned he wasn’t getting any blowjobs, but now you have a ‘great relationship’?

I’m not sure why you let it bother you the first time if he was talking out of his arse and I really don’t know why it’s still on your mind if the relationship is good?

Why?

What a catch he sounds. I would not be with a man who said this out loud to your friends, it's gross and shows a level of misogyny. If he said the world would be sad without "oral sex" that would be slightly better as would imply he likes to give and receive, but clearly all he cares about is getting it.
The worse thing though is saying it in public when clearly you aren't doing BJs, it's a complete dig at you and designed to make your feel insecure. Discussing sex issues through public jibes and insults during arguments are no way to resolve things. He sounds very immature and I would also agree with others that it's abusive behaviour. If he wants to improve your sex life it needs to be through discussion and treating you well.

OP - I do hope you get counselling because you need help to self reflect.

And more generally - if you ask for opinions on something, it implies that you are wondering if your thoughts, reactions, feelings are justified.
And very clearly a lot of people gave you the opinion that no - this level of hurt and upset over 2 years over such tiny comment is not really justified.

You dismissing these opinions by saying "they dismissed my feelings" - just shows that you are not, in fact, ready to think about your own issues and why you react the way you react. You just want people to agree with you, and that is not a great start, and, most importantly - that won't help you to feel any better.

Not all feelings are justified, just because we feel them. You can feel hurt - and be "wrong" about that feeling - if you misunderstand, or misinterpret, or (like in your case) if your own issues make you over react/and twist the situation.

Separately - I am not sure you have stayed with someone who is this insecure as to suggest you are cheating while visiting a toilet. That wouldn't give me most people a performance anxiety - that would generally drive people away.

She hasn’t done it for two years SINCE the comment. As a result of the comment.

It’s in the OP.

What's the disdain towards oral sex? I know it's not everyone's preference, but I will admit I enjoy receiving and giving oral sex.

DH and I make it fun and make off-the-cuff remarks. He likes to visit 'Hollywood', and I enjoy his 'love spell'.

What a bizarre comment for him to make!
im sure he’ll have forgotten about it now or at least would say he has! How come you’re thinking about it now, is it because you want to give him one? At the end of the day, think about what you want out of the bigger picture for your relationship and work towards that. It might mean you let that comment go.

Honestly, men who say this sort of thing are just idiots.

I can't even remember who it was said about but, when I was younger, my then boyfriend made a comment about some random woman (I can't even remember if she was on TV or in real life now) and said she had the perfect mouth for a blow job (she had full lips).

My head went straight to - he's looking at her/other women and imagining/wanting a bj from her; I don't look like her so he isn't satisfied with a bj from me; and felt that every time he looked at me doing it he'd be wishing I looked different or was someone else.

He didnt ever get another and then I ended it because I realised I just didn't feel 'safe' in the relationship. Not physically unsafe but emotionally unsafe. And that's an absolute sexual intimacy killer.

The thing is, this is still bothering you which is your subconscious looking out for you. It's communicating that there's something not right in the relationship and that's not going to get better unless you can both talk about it honestly and openly.

It was two years ago??
You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and just winding yourself up at this point with nothing to justify it.

If he pisses you off this much, just leave him.

It sounds like you both will be better off with other partners, maybe one who doesn’t get anxious so easily to help demonstrate a healthy and realistic approach to sexual relationships.

OK, so he makes a comment when you were both unhappy and you find it hurtful, fair enough. But to still be hung up on it and not be giving bjs 2 years later....is really not normal.
Not the actual Bj thing Obvs, but hanging onto it. Someone says something hurtful to me, I hurt and then move on.

Why don't you communicate properly after 20 years? Why have you both still got all these hang up? Life is just not worth this extra stress. Freeyourself from this, OP. It's really not good for your mental health.

Well I probably would have said at the time- " a comment like that is certainly not going to get you one any quicker" particularly if it's nowhere near true. He sounds like a bit of a toddler, over estimating times like that is childish.

Hi OP,

I wonder if you two are ready to move on from anxiety? Anxiety in the bedroom is not going to be good for you moving forward...

Soo, what can you do together to move on from it?

I have in the past ruminated about things that happened that were not ideal. Ruminating on them was like a rabbit hole - 'hmm, so if that happened, then it means this, and THEN what???'

It just got worse and worse.

With one issue, when it came to the new year, I decided that I was simply not going to think about it anymore, to hurt myself by thinking about it, to ruin my mood, potentially ruin my relationship etc. I just decided to stop and move forward, and it worked 100%.

If both of you want to continue your sex life happily, then work on your head space. Maybe he said a thing that meant something, but said it wrong. Maybe he was expressing that he would like more somehow? Maybe he hasn't yet let himself go there? If you can accept that the clumsy way he said the thing doesn't detract from the truth of the thing, and that is what you are actually dealing with, then maybe you can think, 'right OK then, let's do something about it.' Then you can put it down and move forward.

All of it points to the idea that you could get together, get stuck in together, come closer, communicate more honestly, grow closer emotionally, and both end up having great oral sex that makes both of you feel good, both as giver and receiver?

If you want to remain close to him, I wonder if this sort of idea may help. Your relaionship can be protected, both of your humanities can be given grace to be not perfect, and you could end up closer....

Sooo, you reacted to his silly comment about not getting blowjobs by... proving him right and not giving him blowjobs...

YABU.

Really? you don't sound happy at all if you're still dwelling so much on a comment made two years ago. To me this whole relationship just sounds incredibly hard work.

sounds like splitting is the best way forward

Therapy.

Your relationship is incredibly strained @nilbyemouth

I could not live like this.

I think in your position, I’d be seeking solo counselling. It sounds like you could do with some help putting yourself back together before deciding if this relationship is healthy for you both?

This all sounds so exhausting!!!! It’s not normal. I agree with others that you’re
a. Focusing on the wrong thing and
b. It’s a form of abuse.

This all sounds a whole lot bigger than a flippant blow job comment to be honest.

I think your focussing on that as to not open Pandora’s box.

Accusing you of cheating because you were too long in the toilet and getting told off for being vigorous with a sex toy to climax is abusive behaviour.

Personally I think you’ve become hyper focused on the wrong thing.