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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to limit contact with my widowed father despite his demands?

69 replies

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 03/08/2026 19:31

After the unexpected death of my mother earlier this year my 91y father has become a nightmare. He is fit and healthy and living in an apartment building, with other retired people, about a mile away. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 14y ago and my lovely OH helps me to manage this by undertaking most of the household chores which enables us to enjoy our retirement. My father does not understand how Parkinson’s affects people in different ways and tells people “my daughter SAYS she has Parkinson’s”.

The last 3 weeks of my mother’s life involved daily trips to the hospital for 4 hourly visits during which my father barely spoke, neither on the journey or at the hospital. My Parkinson’s symptoms eventually got worse due to anxiety and lack of sleep, making it almost impossible for me to leave the house.
My father now expects me, and OH, to look after him as he is now, understandably lonely. He doesn’t require any kind of care, as such, but we arranged a local care team to visit twice a week to help with things like changing and laundering bed linen etc. and he also has a cleaning lady once a week to ensure the kitchen and bathroom get cleaned properly as he actually enjoys vacuuming, dusting and polishing!

We have both offered to help with sorting out shopping, paying the bills, doing diy around the apartment etc. and have been taking him out once a month for lunch {all I can manage due to Parkinson’s} but he refuses our help and moans saying we don’t take him out enough - we also transport him to 2/3 hospital/GP appointments each month as he is a hypochondriac but his GP is overly cautious.
After weeks of argument he has eventually agreed to keep the cleaning lady, but will not entertain the lovely carer who he considered to be unnecessary because he has me. He expects me to go daily, when I probably only visited 3/4 times a month before mother died as we sent text messages continuously, and when I did visit he rarely spoke and never asked how I was - he has no empathy at all.
He has started sending ‘urgent’ messages saying he needs help, but when I arrive it turns out to be he’s lost the TV remote, or his ‘broken’ iPad has just not been charged up. We end up ‘having words’ then when I get home he sends messages saying how he’s sorry about bothering me and that he misses me, and that I am his favourite daughter. I’m the only daughter and he’s ruining my life!
He now expects me to send text messages each day because he says he’s worried about me. He often doesn’t respond to these for hours, hoping that I will call him - if I do he just laughs and asks if I was worried!

OP posts:

Vitany · 05/08/2026 12:48

I understand your situation, seems like it has gotten progressingly worse and although he wants companionship the way he's going about trying to get it is actually pushing you all away. I can see why you're fed up.

SisterMaryLuke · 05/08/2026 13:26

Has your husband had a talk with him? I realise this may sound sexist, but often that generation listen to other men more. If your husband explained your illness and how you were getting worse due to tiredness/stress etc it may sink in better.
Could be worth a try.

HereForFootie · 05/08/2026 13:35

Pistachiocake · 03/08/2026 20:02

You say the GP is overly cautious-a lot of health conditions can be much more serious at his stage and it's really not unusual for people his age to go to the doctor that often.
You might be able to get some flexibility at work if you're a carer, and you could ask friends about sharing pick up/drop off at school, if that's relevant for you. I know how hard it is to manage FT work, kids, and caring for family all at the same time, but it's worth doing all we can to help the people who made us/our partners and demonstrate the importance of family to our kids. I'm far from perfect, but it's just about doing as much as we possibly can, and trying to talk to them and listen to make their days as good as possible.

Poor OP. This sort of post will stress her out more. I'm pretty sure she knows that.

OP, can I suggest getting another phone, maybe a brick phone, and giving your dad the new number. Then, look at messages when you feel up to it, and give the brick phone to someone else when you need some space. Has he got fall alarms etc?

You need to put in really firm boundaries and make sure you stick to them. Could a local sixth former pop in as part of Duke of Edinburgh?

His health important, but so is yours and if he is refusing carers then you've done what you can.

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2026 14:47

How's it going OP.

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 06:27

EmotionalBlackmail · 04/08/2026 08:39

I’ve started using Do Not Disturb on my phone with my elderly “D”M, as the constant interruptions with texts, messages and calls were stopping me getting anything done - I’m not disabled but work FT and have children at primary school.

It’s on to cover work and commuting hours but I’ve set it up so DH and the children’s school/wraparound care can get through. In a genuine emergency she’d manage to get hold of DH who could then get me but it’s stopped the endless messages.

Thanks so much for this great idea. Have set up and will keep my fingers crossed 😎

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 06:45

Laurmolonlabe · 04/08/2026 11:29

You have to have a frank conversation with him- and tell him you are not well enough to be called out except in an absolute emergency, it's understandable he is lonely, look into groups he can go to (the council can arrange transport) he needs more in his life than simply making your life miserable.

Thanks so much for this, I have an outpatient appointment later this month and I have arranged for him to attend. If anyone can explain my situation to him, my Parkinson’s nurse is perfect. She’s very direct, and has more than 20y experience, he may take more notice of her - fingers crossed.

In the meantime I am making notes of what I am able/willing to do, and what he can do to help himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 06:52

StroudMould · 04/08/2026 11:41

You’re doing a grand job with your dad! No elderly parents alone is quiet and un- needy and if they were, we’d be worried about them! The fact that he can’t learn new things and is sending URGENT messages arent good signs for his mental future. I’d guess he finds texts from you à great comfort. It’s a tightrope, to care for yoursekf and for those close to us. No easy solution, but just wanted to say, you’re doing great by the sound of it and you’ll never regret being loving.

Thanks so much for this. I’ve been completely overwhelmed by the number of kind, supportive and helpful responses. We have asked his neighbour and cleaning lady to let us know how if they have observed any issues he is having, or any unusual behaviour so we can make plans to see his GP for a dementia check. Our surgery offers an annual elderly person health checkup which sounds very helpful.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2026 10:08

Well done. Remember you are at the centre of your own life, or at least you should be.

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:17

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2026 14:47

How's it going OP.

I have an outpatient appointment later this month and I have arranged for him to attend. If anyone can explain my situation to him, my Parkinson’s nurse is perfect. She’s very direct, and has more than 20y experience, he may take more notice of her - fingers crossed.

In the meantime I am making notes of what I am able/willing to do, and what he can do to help himself.

{I wrote this reply earlier to another helpful response - it rather neatly answers your query. The best news is I got a really good nights sleep last night!}

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:27

HereForFootie · 05/08/2026 13:35

Poor OP. This sort of post will stress her out more. I'm pretty sure she knows that.

You need to put in really firm boundaries and make sure you stick to them. Could a local sixth former pop in as part of Duke of Edinburgh?

His health important, but so is yours and if he is refusing carers then you've done what you can.

Show quote history

@HereForFootie
Thanks for your super suggestions - I have just recently changed his ring tone so I don't panic every time I receive a text message. I'm also now waiting a minimum 5mins before responding, and I've started sending quick responses at mealtimes/whilst showering/at physio etc. {e.g. "at physio atm"}. This seems to have reduced the long, to & fro messages.

I love the DoE idea - I do have a lovely chatty 14yo neighbour doing DoE, I'll chat to his mum first. It may be better to involve a teen I don't know!

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:32

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:27

I love the DoE idea - I do have a lovely chatty 14yo neighbour doing DoE, I'll chat to his mum first. It may be better to involve a teen I don't know!

Show quote history

N.B. his emergency alarm gadget {on a handy lanyard} is in the sideboard drawer, along with his mobile phone {except when he's bugging me} so he never has it if out of the apartment on his own!
They are in the drawer with mother's hearing aid, where it resided for the duration of her hospital stay "to save the batteries"!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:41

SisterMaryLuke · 05/08/2026 13:26

Great idea. Yes we tried this as he always asks how OH is, even if he just has aches & pains following a long bicycle ride!
Sadly the result was a telling off for letting me 'get away with' being lazy and not keeping on top of the housework. Apparently if I did more housework I may find I lose some weight as I've let myself go 😐

However, I have an outpatient appointment later this month and I have arranged for him to attend. If anyone can explain my situation to him, my Parkinson’s nurse is perfect. She’s very direct, and has more than 20y experience, he may take more notice of her - fingers crossed.

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:44

Vitany · 05/08/2026 12:48

Thanks so much for your summary, which I am going to utilise when we have the next discussion, probably later this month.
I have an outpatient appointment later this month and I have arranged for him to attend. She’s very direct, and has more than 20y experience, he may take more notice of her - fingers crossed.

OP posts:

stellter · 06/08/2026 18:51

If he lives in sheltered accomodation, is there a warden or a lifeline service? In a genuine emergency, it would give you peace of mind to know he can press a buzzer to get help. If he texts to say he needs help, you can tell him to call lifeline if it’s an emergency. If it’s not, well, you don’t need to keep rushing over.

It is very difficult indeed - but it is very good that he’s at least living in suitable accommodation. I’m currently trying to persuade my dad to do that and having no joy!

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:51

Sueandthegoldfish · 04/08/2026 19:38

Dutiful daughter here. My parent died last autumn at 96. I live over 100 miles away and work. He wanted me there 24/7 - I phoned every day from wherever I was (near the Chinese border once 😳)
I constantly felt guilty whatever I did but did manage to set some boundaries for my own sanity. I would only go down every couple of weeks although he had a carer a couple of times a week and I managed all his shopping and finances.

Still sorting out his estate but slowly starting to decompress. I hadn’t realised just how utterly worn out I was.
If is really hard to set boundaries but very necessary for your own health.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel this will be me, although at least I'm not 100miles away - but we used to be in far flung places until mother's passing.
He has noticed we've not been away this year and when he asked why, I told him 'because of you'. He seemed genuinely surprised and said "it never bothered you before"?!?

I hope you manage to find yourself again once you have fulfilled your remaining 'duties' 🤗

OP posts:

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:55

stellter · 06/08/2026 18:51

It is very difficult indeed - but it is very good that he’s at least living in suitable accommodation. I’m currently trying to persuade my dad to do that and having no joy!

It's a facility for over 55's, not sheltered {unfortunately}, he has an emergency button on a handy lanyard which he keeps 'safe' in the sideboard!!!

We have tried to suggest a move but he is adamant about staying where he. Apparently his apartment is perfect and very convenient for me - argh!

OP posts:

Ilovemyfam · 06/08/2026 18:55

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 00:39

Sorry, pressed wrong key!
My Parkinson’s makes it impossible to be his carer, but I do need to somehow get him to accept this.

Show quote history

My sister and I both live a long way from DM so our visits could only be monthly. We did video calls regularly - she had a phone specifically for that with no passwords to worry her. She was 94 and not technical. Three years later she has had to move to a residential setting. Is that something he might like so you could see each other more regularly.

The other point of my post is that dementia (undiagnosed but we know it is) was making her seemingly selfish and ungrateful. It was not helpful to say “don’t worry about me” when I said that not asking her carers for specific help was giving me stress (and raised blood pressure). She would try to get us to reduce carer visits because “it breaks up your day”, but then say she was lonely. This was so frustrating. I tried to see it as her illness and not take it personally.

Good luck.

Original poster

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 19:01

Veilsofmorning · 05/08/2026 10:28

This must be very difficult for you, OP. It does sound as if there are some cognitive problems, may I suggest that you look up, consider and try to establish lasting POA as soon as possible while your father is still deemed to have ‘agency’, both for finances and health. It could be explained as keeping family matters in family hands if he is secretive.

Thanks for this. We are on the case. He has just made a new will, which was undertaken by a Will Writer who is a colleague of my best friend. She kindly agreed to assess his cognitive abilities during the process - she visited him on 3 occasions to get a broader picture. She said that he's OK, atm, to make decisions such as a new will, sorting his own finances etc., but advised a GP visit which we are doing as part of our surgery's Senior Health care monitoring.

OP posts:

hellobellow359 · 07/08/2026 09:36

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 06/08/2026 18:17

In the meantime I am making notes of what I am able/willing to do, and what he can do to help himself.

{I wrote this reply earlier to another helpful response - it rather neatly answers your query. The best news is I got a really good nights sleep last night!}

Show quote history

I found explaining how broken I was, how stressed they made me etc etc made no difference whatsoever when caring for an elderly relative with dementia or signs of cognitive decline. In fact it made me feels even worse because I would think - how can they do this to me when I’ve just told them the way they treat me has made me have to lose my job/get therapy/ made me vomit with stress. I used to describe in detail exactly the impact of their unreasonable demands and expectations had on me. They’d listen with a slightly puzzled look on their face but that was it. A frank conversation makes NO difference whatsoever with many of the elderly. There’s something about old age that makes many very very selfish and self serving. In the end, like a PP said, you are so hollowed out and exhausted by their behaviour that you stop caring what they think of you, what they tell others. Eventually, in order to survive, you have to chose yourself. I wouldn’t bother trying to explain to your DF the impact his actions have on you - you’ll feel
worse having explained and him carrying on regardless. It is soul destroying. I felt better stopping trying to draw empathy and understanding from my DM and just accepting she was now always going to put her own wishes and needs ahead of mine. Even if she could see she was breaking me into bits. Drop the rope mentally and physically and stick to it. It’s the only way in my experience.

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