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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to limit contact with my widowed father despite his demands?

69 replies

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 03/08/2026 19:31

After the unexpected death of my mother earlier this year my 91y father has become a nightmare. He is fit and healthy and living in an apartment building, with other retired people, about a mile away. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 14y ago and my lovely OH helps me to manage this by undertaking most of the household chores which enables us to enjoy our retirement. My father does not understand how Parkinson’s affects people in different ways and tells people “my daughter SAYS she has Parkinson’s”.

The last 3 weeks of my mother’s life involved daily trips to the hospital for 4 hourly visits during which my father barely spoke, neither on the journey or at the hospital. My Parkinson’s symptoms eventually got worse due to anxiety and lack of sleep, making it almost impossible for me to leave the house.
My father now expects me, and OH, to look after him as he is now, understandably lonely. He doesn’t require any kind of care, as such, but we arranged a local care team to visit twice a week to help with things like changing and laundering bed linen etc. and he also has a cleaning lady once a week to ensure the kitchen and bathroom get cleaned properly as he actually enjoys vacuuming, dusting and polishing!

We have both offered to help with sorting out shopping, paying the bills, doing diy around the apartment etc. and have been taking him out once a month for lunch {all I can manage due to Parkinson’s} but he refuses our help and moans saying we don’t take him out enough - we also transport him to 2/3 hospital/GP appointments each month as he is a hypochondriac but his GP is overly cautious.
After weeks of argument he has eventually agreed to keep the cleaning lady, but will not entertain the lovely carer who he considered to be unnecessary because he has me. He expects me to go daily, when I probably only visited 3/4 times a month before mother died as we sent text messages continuously, and when I did visit he rarely spoke and never asked how I was - he has no empathy at all.
He has started sending ‘urgent’ messages saying he needs help, but when I arrive it turns out to be he’s lost the TV remote, or his ‘broken’ iPad has just not been charged up. We end up ‘having words’ then when I get home he sends messages saying how he’s sorry about bothering me and that he misses me, and that I am his favourite daughter. I’m the only daughter and he’s ruining my life!
He now expects me to send text messages each day because he says he’s worried about me. He often doesn’t respond to these for hours, hoping that I will call him - if I do he just laughs and asks if I was worried!

OP posts:
hellobellow359 · 05/08/2026 10:19

EmotionalBlackmail · 04/08/2026 08:39

I’ve started using Do Not Disturb on my phone with my elderly “D”M, as the constant interruptions with texts, messages and calls were stopping me getting anything done - I’m not disabled but work FT and have children at primary school.

It’s on to cover work and commuting hours but I’ve set it up so DH and the children’s school/wraparound care can get through. In a genuine emergency she’d manage to get hold of DH who could then get me but it’s stopped the endless messages.

This is very good advice. I also called my phone service provider and asked them to disable voicemail - because on do not disturb I would still receive countless voicemails from my parent who had zero boundaries for my working hours. Then I would have a traumatic time listening to the relentless voicemails that only ever induced stress. Once voicemail was disabled my stress levels reduced significantly.

Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 05/08/2026 10:17

Vitany · 04/08/2026 21:43

Can you ask the GP for access to social prescribers for your father? They might be able to direct him to local activities for his age and church morning clubs etc. He probably needs help building his social network and a routine now that he doesn't have your mum?

Also, was he a good dad? You don't sound as you were terribly close/love him lots as you seem to not have much empathy around his situation. He also doesn't seem to have empathy towards yours so I suppose you are both acting callous at times. If I had been close to my dad growing up I'd even have offered him to move in with us in your situation even with my own disability. You don't need to do much more if you can't, but this is just my opinion.

Thanks for this. We have indeed tried social prescribing, he was really keen on a number of schemes whilst we were at the consultation. However on the drive home he was sulky and told he he didn’t see the point in going because he would ‘be on his own’. He has since refused to even let us take him to a couple to try them out.

He was a good dad to my brother and I, but was always controlling and secretive. He has always been a hypochondriac and avoids anyone who he deems ‘ill’. My brother moved to the US decades ago and rarely visits as their relationship broke down. Over time I became exasperated as he refused to help his siblings care for their mother who had stomach cancer, he rarely visited her during this time despite living 3 miles away. He subsequently avoided both his sisters who fought breast cancer, then lung cancer. Our relationship became very difficult after my mother had a stroke 2y ago and once she returned home he expected her to just continue running their lives as she had previously. Unbelievably the other folk in his apartment block think he is a wonderful person!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 05/08/2026 10:02

hellobellow359 · 04/08/2026 19:53

Perhaps ask for this to go on the elderly parents thread where you will be extremely understood and welcomed.

I cared for my DM who had Parkinson’s for over 16 years, so this blows my mind that someone with it would be expected to do caring themselves. There is no way my DM would EVER have been able to care for anyone. In fact, she was difficult in all the ways your DF seems to be. The only way to deal with it is to decide what you can do, keep rock solid boundaries and ignore his sulking.

So sorry to hear about your experience. I’m hoping to get him sorted out before it becomes beyond my capabilities. I’m beginning to wish he would consider a move to a facility with access to more organised activities and care.

Ill check out the thread you suggested 😎

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 05/08/2026 07:59

MimiGC · 04/08/2026 09:58

Do you think he would really like to come and live with you?

Yes because when he comes for tea, occasionally, he always says how nice it would be just stay longer. I don’t think he would enjoy the reality of living with us!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 04/08/2026 21:47

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:45

Thanks so very much for this. You have definitely given me some perspective. I don’t actually think I’ve really had the opportunity to grieve the loss of my mother. One of the last things she said to me was not to worry about my father as she put it: “don’t let him fool you, he can look after himself” and “ we’ve both enjoyed our long lives, don’t let him rule yours”.

I hope I can make progress. Your advice is much appreciated 😎

Show quote history

You need to take your lovely mums advice she gave you

Vitany · 04/08/2026 21:43

Can you ask the GP for access to social prescribers for your father? They might be able to direct him to local activities for his age and church morning clubs etc. He probably needs help building his social network and a routine now that he doesn't have your mum?

Also, was he a good dad? You don't sound as you were terribly close/love him lots as you seem to not have much empathy around his situation. He also doesn't seem to have empathy towards yours so I suppose you are both acting callous at times. If I had been close to my dad growing up I'd even have offered him to move in with us in your situation even with my own disability. You don't need to do much more if you can't, but this is just my opinion.

rookiemere · 04/08/2026 21:39

In a way his cautious GP may be a help. I would write to him and outline your concerns about your DFs cognitive decline and ability to look after yourself. I would say that due to your Parkinsons you are unable to offer any support over what you currently provide i.e. transport to appointments and as your condition worsens you may not be able to do that.

We only get one life OP and a diagnosis of Parkinsons at a relatively young age is a hard burden to carry.

Inevitably with elderly DPs the demands ramp up until the carer crumbles, the elderly person worsens and they end up in care. Unfortunately it’s unpleasant but to short circuit this a bit, pull back now. His GP is on the ball and social care exists. Your DM knew what she was saying.

hellobellow359 · 04/08/2026 19:53

Perhaps ask for this to go on the elderly parents thread where you will be extremely understood and welcomed.

I cared for my DM who had Parkinson’s for over 16 years, so this blows my mind that someone with it would be expected to do caring themselves. There is no way my DM would EVER have been able to care for anyone. In fact, she was difficult in all the ways your DF seems to be. The only way to deal with it is to decide what you can do, keep rock solid boundaries and ignore his sulking.

Hatty65 · 04/08/2026 19:49

Sympathy OP! My father is about to turn 90 and can't grasp the fact that I have serious chronic fatigue syndrome. To the point where I'm pretty mostly bedbound.

He has been known to say, 'She says she's tired. She's always tired'.

He's deaf, so phoning him isn't much use. DH is good and pops in once a week or so and he has plenty of help, but he just doesn't get that I can't become his full time carer. I'm at the point where he can die believing I'm a shit daughter if he likes. It's less exhausting than having to try and explain CF again. All I get is 'can't the doctors give you something for it?'

Sueandthegoldfish · 04/08/2026 19:38

Dutiful daughter here. My parent died last autumn at 96. I live over 100 miles away and work. He wanted me there 24/7 - I phoned every day from wherever I was (near the Chinese border once 😳)
I constantly felt guilty whatever I did but did manage to set some boundaries for my own sanity. I would only go down every couple of weeks although he had a carer a couple of times a week and I managed all his shopping and finances.

Still sorting out his estate but slowly starting to decompress. I hadn’t realised just how utterly worn out I was.
If is really hard to set boundaries but very necessary for your own health.

StroudMould · 04/08/2026 11:41

You’re doing a grand job with your dad! No elderly parents alone is quiet and un- needy and if they were, we’d be worried about them! The fact that he can’t learn new things and is sending URGENT messages arent good signs for his mental future. I’d guess he finds texts from you à great comfort. It’s a tightrope, to care for yoursekf and for those close to us. No easy solution, but just wanted to say, you’re doing great by the sound of it and you’ll never regret being loving.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/08/2026 11:29

You have to have a frank conversation with him- and tell him you are not well enough to be called out except in an absolute emergency, it's understandable he is lonely, look into groups he can go to (the council can arrange transport) he needs more in his life than simply making your life miserable.

SusanJJ · 04/08/2026 10:11

GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 00:39

Sorry, pressed wrong key!
My Parkinson’s makes it impossible to be his carer, but I do need to somehow get him to accept this.

Show quote history

You can't take the carer role, but could you phone him once a day? He sounds scared and knowing that you will be in touch may calm him. You will just have to keep explaining that you're not well enough to keep going over to do his house work. Show him your GP records if he doesn't believe you.

MimiGC · 04/08/2026 09:58

Do you think he would really like to come and live with you?

EmotionalBlackmail · 04/08/2026 08:39

I’ve started using Do Not Disturb on my phone with my elderly “D”M, as the constant interruptions with texts, messages and calls were stopping me getting anything done - I’m not disabled but work FT and have children at primary school.

It’s on to cover work and commuting hours but I’ve set it up so DH and the children’s school/wraparound care can get through. In a genuine emergency she’d manage to get hold of DH who could then get me but it’s stopped the endless messages.

Italiangreyhound · 04/08/2026 02:04

OP your mum seemed very wise.

"don’t let him fool you, he can look after himself” and “ we’ve both enjoyed our long lives, don’t let him rule yours”.

Print that out and put it in your bag/phone case!

Just FYI my mil died this year leaving 90 fil alone. He is managing well.

I am also 61 and have a few health issues.

We must look after ourselves.

Xxxxxx

Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:50

Italiangreyhound · 04/08/2026 01:13

Re "...often reduced me to tears with his criticism. "

You need to make it very clear to him that any criticism or negative talk will result in the termination of that call. You need to toughen up, sorry, but your time is valuable and he is abusing your kindness.

You need peace. You don't need this. If he sends rambling texts about things that are not relevant to you or him, have a stock answer. 'Oh terrible story. Luckily, it doesn't affect wither of us."

Thanks again. I really do need be brave and lay down firm ground rules, and stick to them 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:47

Francestein · 04/08/2026 01:10

Time to go to the doctor with him and get the doctor to explain how Parkinson’s affects you and why he is making your symptoms worse.

Now why didn’t I think of this? Thanks so much 😎

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:45

Italiangreyhound · 04/08/2026 01:08

I am so sorry.

Sorry for your condition and sorry your dad is being so difficult and unreasonable.

"My Parkinson’s makes it impossible to be his carer, but I do need to somehow get him to accept this."

Write out what you feel, and the absolute minimum you will be able to do. Then present this to him with your dear supporrive husbandand discuss.

Suggest ways he could have company and/or support - Day centre/Age UK etc.

If he would like a short phone call or a text daily, I'd offer that. But I would not expect anything back, no empathy or support from him.

Limit your physical time with him to what you want/can cope with.

Yes, he is lonely and grieving.

But you are also grieving your mother and dealing with a serious medical condition.

Do not over-offer or over-commit.

I may sound harsh but in all honesty none of us know how long we have to live and you must prioritise your life.

Thanks so very much for this. You have definitely given me some perspective. I don’t actually think I’ve really had the opportunity to grieve the loss of my mother. One of the last things she said to me was not to worry about my father as she put it: “don’t let him fool you, he can look after himself” and “ we’ve both enjoyed our long lives, don’t let him rule yours”.

I hope I can make progress. Your advice is much appreciated 😎

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:32

Octavia64 · 03/08/2026 19:57

You are disabled,

I am also disabled and have an elderly mother and she has only slowly come to understand this, largely through me having rock solid boundaries.

keep saying no and keep saying it’s because you are disabled. It goes in eventually

Thanks so much for this. You’ve given me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel 😎

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:30

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · 03/08/2026 19:54

YANBU to have boundaries, and you can decide where those are.

Perhaps phoning him more regularly would help, but combine that with absolutely refusing to physically go and visit more than you can cope with - so if he demands you go over because of a fake "emergency" then you cancel whatever planned next visit was expected because you can't manage more than X visits per month.

You are ill, with an illness that gets worse when you overdo it - of course you need to ration your energy.

Can I derive from reading between the lines that you have a brother or two? How far away are they and how much help do they give?

Thanks so very much for this kind and helpful advice. This looks like a plan which might just work 😎

Yes I do have a brother, he’s in the US and is currently having a difficult time. He was, unexpectedly, made redundant in May and is also caring for his partner who has a brain tumour which requires a lot of complex medication. Despite this he has offered to come over to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:23

nonevernotever · 03/08/2026 19:47

You have all my sympathy. It really doesn't get easier, particularly when you have your own health challenges. The one thing that I wanted to comment on was the broken iPad and lost remote control. The first sign of my mother's dementia was when she started phoning me asking if I could fix her broken laptop (usually she had the mouse upside down) or help her to find the remote because she'd lost it. I don't mean you need to do more - I don't see how you can, but just wanted to suggest that he may not be being difficult deliberately.

Thanks so much for this insight. We are in fact keeping a check on his state of mind as he does appear to exhibit some dementia related symptoms. He is convinced he is paying out too much in bank direct debits, but will not allow me or OH to check his statements. He also finds any new task challenging - using the hob to cook is still tricky for him as my mother did all the meal preparation. Luckily she had trained him to use the microwave and oven. Bacon sandwiches usually end up with the smoke alarm going off 🥴

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/08/2026 01:18

"...whatever we agree I don’t think it will be enough for him."

It will just have to be. The minimum you want to offer is safer to commit to.

If he asks for more, the answer is no.

Waitingforgod26 · 04/08/2026 01:15

Well, this is easy. You're not in the wrong. At all.

Original poster
GertrudeIsABadDaughter · 04/08/2026 01:15

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2026 19:43

I think the answer is rock solid boundaries and making peace with the fact that he'll tell everyone he meets how awful you are. This is how I cope. I ring my dm every other day, take her shopping weekly and visit twice a week, that's all I can manage. The thing is, if I made an extra visit it would still not be enough.

Decide what you can offer, let him know and don't give in to blackmail. You could suggest the carer takes him out to activities if he's lonely?

Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate the advice, and agree whatever we agree I don’t think it will be enough for him.

He gets out more than I do as he has 4 chums who he meets twice a week and the other apartment residents have encouraged him to join them for coffee and cake in the common room, which is also a weekly event!

OP posts:
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