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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would you feel if your husband said this about your best friend

154 replies

workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:23

That she was incredibly attractive and that every man in the world would want to be with her. Context is that she has split up with her DH and is planning and trip and would perhaps like some fun on it. When I said it was important for her that people found her attractive that’s when he said the above and that she was delusional if she couldn’t see and tell that every man would want to be with her. When I challenged him on it he got defensive and wouldn’t speak just saying I was being ridiculous to be upset. A few days later he’s now saying he doesn’t find her attractive- was being sarcastic and wouldn’t be with her if she was the last women on earth etc. what hurts the most is that he has never spoken about me with such passion or said such things. He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her. Both of my friends are good looking for context .. Aibu to be absolutely gutted by this ?

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 03/08/2026 18:51

I think ditch him and go and enjoy your freedom on holiday with your mate.

Happyjoe · 03/08/2026 18:49

I don't know, I first thought perhaps he was clumsily trying to support you and your friends by saying she will be fine and people will find her attractive. Then you write about your history and the lack of complements to you. I'd also feel put out and a little insecure.

chocoluv · 03/08/2026 18:48

I would be hurt that he was so honest but it sounds like he was just being clumsy.

He shouldn’t have said it in the way that he said it but he probably forgot he was talking to you and thought it was one of his mates or something.

I know I have often said things about men that I find attractive - I would never act on it but if my DH heard then he’d be upset too.

I’m glad you told him that it upset you but there’s not a lot to be done now apart from move on from it.

cupfinalchaos · 03/08/2026 18:48

No you’re really not over reacting. No woman would feel comfortable with this however secure in themselves and their marriage they were.

Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:47

Poppystone · 03/08/2026 18:44

If your friend is attractive, he and most men are going to fancy her. It's what they do about that which matters. I.e. should be nothing.

I would he didn’t go into just how attractive in such explicit terms .. she’s my closest friend. He’s also never spoken about me in those terms. The other comment was years ago so it’s harder to do anything about that. Weirdly abjectivelly I’m the more attractive of the two of us

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theneighboureatmysalad · 03/08/2026 18:46

Why should we be allowed to find another man attractive, but men wouldn't?
It's normal.

Poppystone · 03/08/2026 18:44

If your friend is attractive, he and most men are going to fancy her. It's what they do about that which matters. I.e. should be nothing.

Tollington · 03/08/2026 18:44

The comment he made a few years back is horrible. I would have more of an issue with that one

Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:41

DonaldWheresMaTweezers · 03/08/2026 18:37

As it followed you complaining about it, the 'I was being sarcastic' was a lame attempt to appease you.

As pps have said, commenting years ago that you'd have been second choice behind some other friend was pretty bad, yet you stayed with him - there must have been a reason for that.

It's hard to know without more examples whether he's bad at expressing his feelings for you or he's deliberately 'negging' you to keep you in a state of compliance.

Show quote history

I don’t think he’s negging me to be honest , I just think he fancies my friend which of all the people to fancy I don’t want it to be one of my best friends ..

OP posts:
Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:40

Poppystone · 03/08/2026 18:38

Ah, so you don't like your friend?

Show quote history

I do like her , someone had said it was in response to my friend being insecure and I was saying she’s not insecure, devastated etc

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Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:38

I also never brought up her attractiveness , he said it and I said she wanted people to think she was attractive and it was importantly to her

OP posts:
Poppystone · 03/08/2026 18:38

workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:33

No she’s not insecure and it wasn’t said like that , saying lots of guys would like a shot is different to saying every man in the world would want to be with her and she’s incredibly attractive.. she’s not insecure.. she just likes people finding her attractive and she broke up with her husband

Show quote history

Ah, so you don't like your friend?

TheRealMagic · 03/08/2026 18:37

Like others, I think the recent comment about your friend was perhaps a bit tactlessly phrased but basically fine. The one about picking someone different was very much not.

DonaldWheresMaTweezers · 03/08/2026 18:37

workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:31

I was saying how would you like if I said the same about one of your friends and how can he not see saying something like that , when he never ever speaks about me like that and he was like I was being sarcastic .. it doesn’t even make sense

Show quote history

As it followed you complaining about it, the 'I was being sarcastic' was a lame attempt to appease you.

As pps have said, commenting years ago that you'd have been second choice behind some other friend was pretty bad, yet you stayed with him - there must have been a reason for that.

It's hard to know without more examples whether he's bad at expressing his feelings for you or he's deliberately 'negging' you to keep you in a state of compliance.

Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:36

theneighboureatmysalad · 03/08/2026 18:35

if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her.
there's only reply for that: good luck and goodbye. (or fuck off)

For your current friend, YABU.
Have you never said that a man was good looking/ hot without meaning any more than that?

It's ok to find someone attractive, it doesn't mean anyone is doing a comparison, it doesn't mean they are more attractive or anything.

It's a bit ridiculous to have to watch what you say because your partner is jealous or gets angry. He didn't make any inappropriate comment.

I never get jealous and absolutely not someone where you have to watch what you say. But saying someone is good looking which he has on many occasions is v v different to saying they are incredibly attractive and every guy on the planet wohld want them

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gannett · 03/08/2026 18:35

He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her

This is a much worse comment and I don't think I'd have continued a relationship if a man said that to me.

In the context of the conversation you were having, and the fact that you brought up your friend's attractiveness, it's not unreasonable that he commented on it. But there's clearly a history of disrespectful remarks.

HollyhocksandPeons · 03/08/2026 18:35

A cup of tea. Katherine Mansfield. Explains it all.

theneighboureatmysalad · 03/08/2026 18:35

if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her.
there's only reply for that: good luck and goodbye. (or fuck off)

For your current friend, YABU.
Have you never said that a man was good looking/ hot without meaning any more than that?

It's ok to find someone attractive, it doesn't mean anyone is doing a comparison, it doesn't mean they are more attractive or anything.

It's a bit ridiculous to have to watch what you say because your partner is jealous or gets angry. He didn't make any inappropriate comment.

TheSlantedOwl · 03/08/2026 18:34

I wouldn’t waste my love, time or energy on someone who made me feel like this.

Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:33

Poppystone · 03/08/2026 18:31

In the context of a normal relationship where you were talking about how insecure your freind is and how she'd like some male attention, I don't think it would be unreasonable to say many men would be glad of the opportunity.

Your issue seems to be more about how he treats you than what he says about others. He's just not very nice to you.

No she’s not insecure and it wasn’t said like that , saying lots of guys would like a shot is different to saying every man in the world would want to be with her and she’s incredibly attractive.. she’s not insecure.. she just likes people finding her attractive and she broke up with her husband

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2026 18:33

So he has put you down both implicitly and explicitly? Then gaslit you to think you’re overreacting. Urgh! He has no respect for you.

Poppystone · 03/08/2026 18:31

In the context of a normal relationship where you were talking about how insecure your freind is and how she'd like some male attention, I don't think it would be unreasonable to say many men would be glad of the opportunity.

Your issue seems to be more about how he treats you than what he says about others. He's just not very nice to you.

Original poster
workshy46 · 03/08/2026 18:31

DonaldWheresMaTweezers · 03/08/2026 18:29

How did he come to bring the subject up a second time (when he said he'd been being sarcastic the first time it was discussed)?

I was saying how would you like if I said the same about one of your friends and how can he not see saying something like that , when he never ever speaks about me like that and he was like I was being sarcastic .. it doesn’t even make sense

OP posts:
WhatAMarvelousTune · 03/08/2026 18:29

Personally I think the thing he said years ago is much much worse!

DonaldWheresMaTweezers · 03/08/2026 18:29

How did he come to bring the subject up a second time (when he said he'd been being sarcastic the first time it was discussed)?

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