AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

Based off this you shouldn’t invite her as you are going to end up stressed the whole day

Speak to your dad.
Explain that although you like his partner, out of respect for your mum, you don’t want her attending the wedding.

If he refuses, then don’t invite him.

I wouldn’t be sending him an invite just addressed to him, in case he turns up with her.
Just don’t tell him the date or venue until after it’s happened.

It is your wedding and you can invite who you want.
If it’s more important to you that your mum attends and feels comfortable then I wouldn’t feel bad about not inviting my dad.

My sister was in a similar position and chose to invite neither parent as she just didn’t want the drama.
She was made to feel incredibly guilty and it was odd that neither parent was there but the wedding was stress and drama free.
In our situation mum and dad are both as bad as each other and so it was easier to invite neither.

I'm normally of the opinion that "parents have to be able to be in the same room together, for the sake of their children" - but in your situation, no way would I would have her at my wedding.
She is someone who could ruin your day, and upset the MOB.
Your Dad is a fool if he misses your wedding, but so be it. I'd leave the choice up to him.

The only invitation I would extend to someone who called my mum names would be be invitation to get fucked, frankly. Your dad is a disgrace.

If your father chooses to stay at home with this woman instead of coming to your wedding, that’s his problem. Sounds in keeping with how he has treated your family life.

Nope you invite your dad and it up to him if he comes or not

actions have consequences and your dads actions means his wife isn’t invited to your wedding

You should have just explained that in your OP, because even without the title, you've obviously made it look like you're the mother, not the child.

It's your wedding and therefore entirely up to you whether you invite your dad's wife, or indeed if you invite your dad. If he won't come to your wedding without her, that's up to him.

Personally, I think if you are disgusted that your dad had an affair, it's odd to put all the blame on his new wife and exclude her from the wedding but not him. They both hurt your mother. If your mother's feelings are more important to you than having your dad at the wedding, don't invite him at all.

If I were your mother, I would accept that you probably wanted your dad there and if that meant also inviting his new wife, regardless of how hurt I was by the affair, I would accept it because I wouldn't want to make your wedding about my beef with my ex-husband. I'd just rise above it.

This. Your dad seems to have forgotten it is your wedding. Your mum has been through enough as it is, it would be wildly unfair to invite the woman involved in her marriage break up who still seems intent on hurting her.

If it were my child’s wedding I would take the path that would cause my child the least amount of anguish.

Even if someone was invited who had caused me pain and trauma, I would just buckle up and get on with it.

I would not make my attendance dependant on who was or wasn’t invited. My issues with people would be set aside.

I would not issue any sort of ultimatum or use emotional blackmail

He is the root cause of this, because he choose to have an affair. He disrespected your mother and broke up the marriage. She's clearly better off without him. It would be different if they had split up and then he met his partner.

Probably true, but he’s still the OP’s father.

I think the voting is all skewed now because at first we didn't know what we were voting for

This is the brides mother not the bride!!! The bride has invited her father and her fathers wife who was his mistress. Now the brides mother doesnt want to attend the wedding.
No way Id miss my daighters wedding whoever was invited.

Truthfully OP your parents and the OW are all behaving badly here - they are all putting their own wants before you.

I think I’d elope it’s the only real solution.

Not really. A wedding celebrates bringing two families together. And new spouses and children are part of that.

I'm afraid you are mis-remembering.

Diana always said "There were three of us in this marriage."

Charles and Camilla were together on and off from the 1970s. She was referred to as 'the most hated woman in Britain' by the press for - frankly - decades.

This is a very complex on the face of it, but at the end of the day it's your day, your wedding. You're entitled to invite who you want. Neither of your parents should pressure you on this score. Your choices are:

• Invite both parents, but not your father's partner
• Invite both parents and your father's partner

If your father doesn't come because you didn't invite his partner that's on him. If your mother doesn't come because you're father's partner is invited that's on your mother.

Based on the little you've told us I would not invite the partner, and probably I'd not invite your father either. He is the root cause of this, because he choose to have an affair. He disrespected your mother and broke up the marriage. She's clearly better off without him. It would be different if they had split up and then he met his partner.

One thing you have not mentioned. How is your relationship with your father?

What would hurt more, her presence or his absence?
Setting aside his behaviour to your mother, has he been a good father to you?
What does your mother think?

No it’s not remotely the same dilemma as William’s mum wasn’t still alive.

Your wedding is also a celebration of your origins - your Mum and Dad and extended family, neighbours, old friends.

Dad's 2nd wife is not part of that circle, in fact she helped to collapse your nuclear family alongside "Dear" Dad. Time for him to use his diplomatic skills - come alone, behave graciously on your Daughter's special day (quietly reflect on his shortcomings). If that's so painful, he doesn't need to stay till the early hours. But behave like an adult!

I was in a similar situation but actually, my mum is in a lovely relationship, dads still with the OW, I invited them all and they all
behaved.

How close were you to your dad growing up? Was he a decent father?

You don’t owe him anything.

I wouldn’t invite him if it was me as I loved and appreciated my mum far more as she did everything for me growing up as dad was an alcoholic.

My dad and stepmum had an affair. That's both came to my wedding (and see my mum multiple times a year at various kids birthday parties etc.).

Honestly, I'd really struggle if they didn't all have a civil relationship. I appreciate it's slightly different if the split happened when you were an adult, but is there any chance all three will agree to be polite to each other and keep their feelings out of it for your sake? Otherwise you're looking at a lifetime of hard decisions.

BTW after that event at the wedding the years passed and the father died and the new wife also went on to disinherit his children. Truly, we have seen that by your actions you shall be known. Give her this chance….. she may truly be a good woman, generous and kind, wise, not greedy, and one you would welcome into your family…. Give her the chance to choose.

Don’t invite her. Your dad will follow his dick (what’s new?) and not attend, and that’s on him. You don’t need them there ruining your wedding.

Solution: similar situation in own family. Approached the new wife and politely requested that in interests of future family unity she graciously stood down and by her request the dad (her new husband) attended the wedding alone, thereby giving the bride a wonderful day, bride‘s mother peace of mind and the bride‘s father, the moral high ground. I considered this to be the action of an adult, a person of selflessness and quality. A person we would wish to welcome into the family gently at a future, more low key event. New wife refused and thus settled her future stance and status within the family. Father was disinvited from the wedding. The person who makes the choice for the greater good is the person to be valued. By your actions, shall you be known.