AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I wouldn’t invite her. My dad came to my siblings wedding with his new wife (who was also the OW). I don’t think my sibling even thought it through but it was very difficult for my mum. She behaved with absolute dignity and the rest of the family provided lots of support but it wasn’t fun.

I say that as someone who gets on ok with the wife (I suspect he lied to her as much as my mum), so I definitely wouldn’t do it if I actively disliked her.

My dad used her as a bit of a shield when he left my mum - wouldn’t meet us (adult) kids without her being there etc. I think he thought it would avoid us questioning him but we just thought he was being a dick really

He's married to her- it's not his mistress, you can't invite him and not his wife- that's just unbalanced.

Rubbish. Don't invite her, don't perpetuate the disrespect shown to your mother and he can do what he likes after that.

It sounds like you want to cut her out of your life anyway OP.

If that's the case, then you need to accept you'll be cutting your dad out too. You can't expect him to attend without her for every wedding/funeral/baptism/family event for the rest of his life when you've said you want to cut her out of yours.

That's your choice: but make it with your eyes wide open.

I was in this situation a few years ago except my ex’s girlfriend was only a few months in. She wasn’t invited by my daughter but her father steamrolled her decision and brought his girlfriend anyway. I attended the wedding and pasted on a smile throughout and had a civil conversation with the girlfriend. I felt uncomfortable throughout but I didn’t want to upset my daughter and son-in-law. I did leave mid evening though. It was mentally draining for me but my daughter knew I would do that and was fine about it.

I wouldn’t been keen to invite this woman based on her being the affair partner, but when you add in that she has the cheek to be abusive do your mum, there’s no way I’d be allowing someone that childish and potentially volatile to my wedding .

If he won’t come without her, then that would be the decision made for me. If either threatened not to come, I’d allow them not to come. However, if you want her there then I’d invite her.

I'm that case I wouldn't invite her. Also your dad needs to be accountable and part of that means not doing something like this.

Id invite just your dad and just your mum. Then its in your dads court. He shouldn't be manipulating you and frankly you suffered as a child as a direct result of their actions so I wouldn't be bending over backwards for either of them.

I think as pp said, tell your dad you understand his position and that he’ll be missed.
There are lots of reasons you don’t want his new wife there, so don’t invite her.
Ask a good friend to walk you down the aisle. 🩵

Honestly if I was the mother in this situation I wouldn’t attend with the other woman being there and made welcome, it would be such a mockery to the institution of marriage and would be grossly unfair.
You need to discuss it open mindedly with your mother though, and work on a solution.

Like fuck is she family! No way could you have her there. Think of your mum. If your dad won't come then too bad, he'll have to miss your wedding.

In this situation I think you just say <name> is not invited, it’s my wedding and she’s not welcome. You’re my dad and you are invited. If you choose to not go to your daughter’s wedding that’s up to you.

Given everything else you say (oh god can people please stop using the AI version?) I would tell my Dad that I am not actually inviting his wife but would very much like him to be there. His choice whether he attends or not.

It was HIS behaviour that has caused all this, and it sounds as if you yourself were upset by the whole thing. Your father has repeatedly put his new wife before family and I see that he now doesn't have the sensitivity to put your happy day before his determination to be loyal to his new wife.

Honestly I would prefer my Mum to have a happy enjoyable day shared with you than have to see him at your wedding at all!

If your choice is not to have a relationship with this woman, and you would not have invited her, then don't change that because of your Dad's ultimatum.

This is your wedding @Zoobaloo and it's clear that you don't want this woman to attend, both for you and for your DM. Please don't be bullied into inviting her by your father. He sounds like a terrible father and a selfish man.

The mistress should have the decency not to attend knowing the hurt she had caused the family. Unfortunately he is your childs dad so up to him if he once again chooses her over his daughters happiness.
Edit:
Just seen you are the bride. Don't invite her.

Really it's up to your adult DC, it's really no different to inviting your ex's new wife- if he married her, if it's a long term relationship i don't see the problem.

I would say “it’s a shame you’re going to miss my wedding dad”. I would feel the same as you and there is not a chance I’d want the OW there under any circumstances, particularly if she’s been vile about your mum.

I would attend but cut her dead at all times.

Diana would have had to suck it up and would have been given zero choice. She wasn’t the type of woman who wouldn’t have attended her son’s wedding.

Your dad probably wants his mistress their as he knows he's done wrong and doesn't want to show up alone and be the bad guy by himself.

It's your wedding, what do you want?

Personally for me if I was in that situation I'd rather my mother be there. Especially is dad is giving an ultimatum 'if she can't come, I can't come'.

It's different if you've grown up and had a bond with this woman or are good friends etc. But I would always choose my mum over my dad. Unfair opinion from my side though TBH my mum died 12 years ago and my dad turned to alcohol and we dont speak 🤣

It's your choice though.

I can understand why you want to invite her.
Your dad says that she's ,' family '...but she isn't is she ? You don't accept as such and I think it's wishful thinking on your dad's part that she'll be accepted.
Your mums feelings matter more than your dad's. Why would you make your mum feel upset and have the day spoiled for her...you wouldn't..
Don't invite her..

Also my take. It isn't even necessarily about who did what to who, it's who can be trusted not to cause a scene.

I was you and I didn't invite the mistress, my dad didn't come to my wedding either and he wasn't missed 💐 mum takes precedence 🤷‍♀️

But by the time William got married, his mother had died, so they didn't have this problem.