AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

Yes. It's about your child, not the other guests. You smile sweetly, think 'whore' and find someone else to chat to.

Sorry, I read your last update and changed my mind. Don't invite her and tell your dad if he is willing to miss his child's wedding because his affair partner isn't invited, he was never much of a father to begin with. Please RSVP as soon as possible as you will want to get another relative to walk you down the aisle if he isn't coming.

I think most situations where it’s a long time ago and everyone is civil, the OW new wife should be invited (my Ds is only 14 but I’m sure his dads partner who was OW would be invited to his future wedding and that’d be fine with me, we are civil and it’s all water under the bridge).

however your poor mum has been called names and basically bullied by this woman? Has all this happened recently? I think assuming that there has t been a
lot of time passed, no way would i invite her and it sounds like your dad is blackmailing you with his attendance. In this case, I’d put my mums emotional wellbeing first and not invite OW. Just say to your dad that the invite is for him only and it’s up to him whether he accepts.

No. A dad and his wife should be able to attend his child's wedding as should the mother. Everyone needs to be adult about this.

My wedding was the same. I invited my mum and my dad and his partner. They got on with it fine for me

If I was in his woman then I would offer not go because of the past issues.

If I was OPs dad, I would encourage my wife (who doesn’t get on with the bride’s mother) to not go.

Considering that neither are doing this, tells me what type of people they are.

Honestly I think your mum needs to suck it up. The day isn’t about her, she can put on a happy face and go back to being upset the day after your wedding.

@Zoobaloo I feel your pain because this was me.

My mum and dad divorced as my dad had many affairs and the last was the deal breaker, my mum never remarried. I was brought up by my mum and felt for her as she was the innocent party.

I wanted both my parents at the wedding, no-one but me wanted my Dad there and Dad wouldn't come without his wife (the reason my mum and Dad got divorced) and his wife stated she would come but wouldn't enjoy it. My sister said she wasn't coming if Dad came. I had invited everyone, with a carefully considered seating plan and order of service to avoid unnecessary conflict.

In the end I sent them all a message, its my wedding and I invite who I want. I will arrange things to make everyone as comfortable as possible, no top table etc, but basically this is my wedding and if you all love me, you will button it for a few hours for my sake and after that if you wish to leave early you can.

Sadly I can't give you a positive outcome that is relevant to you as my Dad died just before my wedding and my stepmum was unwilling to attend without him, which I understood, so the probably was solved.

You’re not responsible for protecting your mum from the consequences of your dad’s choices. You’re responsible for creating the wedding day you want.
If you want your dad there, invite him. If he won’t come without his wife, that’s his boundary and you can decide whether you’re willing to accommodate it. You invite him and if he decides not to come, that is on him.

You can manage the day so everyone is comfortable: no top table, thoughtful seating, separate arrival times, and maybe no FOB speech if you feel he cannot be trusted, etc.

But ultimately, it’s your wedding. The people who love you should be able to put their feelings aside for a few hours so you can have the day you deserve.

And its sounds easier said than done but I made the statement and my mum, please her, said she loved me and would do want needed to be done to make the day as happy as it could be for me. Now that is what you call a mother and someone that loves you.

Fuck him I wouldn't invite her. Having a wedding free of animosity and that my mum was comfortable and happy at would be far more important to me. If your dad chooses not to come because his partner isn't invited, then that's telling you all you need to know about his prioritiess and feelings for you. If he didn't come I'd just cut him out my life entirely to be honest.

At least the OW in this case has not yet manipulated your DDad into dropping you altogether, which is what happened to me in the end. The OW was an evil witch who was allowed to come to the wedding and wore the biggest black hat she could find. Her only end goal was to get the DDad's first marriage children entirely out of her life, allowing her to come to the wedding made no difference in the end. She still won.

Who raised you? Who worked but also did the day to day to keep your thriving? Did your dad provide?

My dad has had a relationship with another woman for the last perhaps 50 years. I would have no more had her at my wedding than I would saw my own leg off. She was Mum’s best friend and constantly treated Mum as if she was the other woman. Manipulative bitch.
However, no matter how much in thrall Dad is to her, there is no way he would’ve expected her to come to my wedding.

@Arregaithel @thepariscrimefiles

I was referring to the dad....he should leave his wife at home.

Guilt tripping to get your own way is poor behaviour so I voted YABU. However with your update it appears to be your father who is trying to manipulate your decision.

You shouldn't be coerced into inviting someone you don't like to your wedding. Your dad, like all adults, is responsible for the choices he makes.

All things considered in this particular scenario, I would invite my mum, and my dad, but not his wife. Up to dad whether he comes or not.

Sorry just seen he is refusing to come if she isn't allowed and I don't think he should be allowed to blackmail you. Sounds very much like my dad and many others on the thread.

In this case where he is blackmailing you over whether he will or won't come, then I think I'd just let him be and say goodbye then! I recognise its not that simple but eurgh.

I sympathise, it's a very difficult situation where you don't want to cause your Mum pain.

In our family, my brother got married and both parents came. They are divorced and my "dad" came with his mistress/now wife.

To be honest they were the loners in the room.

My Mum although perhaps internally found it uncomfortable, but outwardly what she focused on was that it was her sons wedding and he should be able to have the day he wanted.

I see how tricky it is.

As it happens I am absolutely no contact with my Dad and for quite serious reasons but again did put it aside to try and give my brother the wedding he wanted.

Not at all. The father is choosing not to attend his DD's wedding despite being invited. That is his choice. A very selfish one but hardly surprising given his past behaviour.

She can invite whoever she chooses to her own wedding. She is choosing not to invite this woman and to show respect for her own mother who raised her.

I wouldn’t invite her.

It’s legitimising their relationship in a way that I don’t think this sort of relationship should ever be legitimised - ok the state recognises it but you don’t have to.

I have never been any of the parties in this scenario before anyone accuses me of being bitter or similar.

I didn't imvite the woman my dad left my mum for to my wedding and they had been married 10 years by that point, why would i? I don't like her and have no relationship with her. If my Dad had refused to attend one if my brothers could have done the traditional father of the bride stuff.

I feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in. Your father sounds very much like mine.

No. I wouldn't be blackmailed into inviting someone who I didn't want at my wedding. Especially not given it will be inevitably be very upsetting for your Mum. If you wanted her there, fine, but you don't.

In this situation I would tell your Dad that he is welcome but she is not.

If he chose not to attend then so be it.

She doesn’t have to invite anyone that’s insulted her mother. You don’t get a free pass for being abusive.

"Dad i want both you and mum there, but if I have to choose one of you it'll be Mum."

In your case I would want my mum at my wedding above msny other people. If dad wants to spit his dummy out I’d tell him he is invited but not his wife .She is not nice to your mum , I’d be not nice to her .

I was going to ask how long ago this all was. My mum hated my dad for the rest of her life after their divorce, and I told her to play nice at my wedding or not come.

But this update changes things. I wouldn't want someone I didn't like and who called my mum names at my wedding. No invite for her because she's not someone you like or want to attend. Your dad can decide not to come, or he can attend with grace. His choice.